I Just Want To Be Loved.
The story
I tried a dating app awhile ago, I think two months now, and matched with a really sweet girl but it ended poorly to say the least. She told me that she was monogamous and acespec like me, but then tried to polybomb me, basically saying though she could see herself in a relationship with me that I wasn't worth monogamy. I'm still really hurt by that, it was the first time I really tried putting myself out there after a lot of trauma in my life (which she knew about- was one of the few people to not just treat me like crap right off the back for it. I told her more than I have ever told most people, not everything, but a lot) and so now I'm just... Sad.
I feel like I just don't belong anywhere. I'm intersex and transfem, preferring T4T, but my being intersex makes a not small number of the trans community say I "don't count" or "can't be trans" among other things. On top of that, it seems like there are no acespec or monogamous trans people, especially not transfems. I will just call myself queer and sapphic leaning for the sake of this post. It's not a lie, it's not wrong, it's just also not completely correct and doesn't say the whole picture.
My being disabled and chronically ill also makes a lot of potential partners steer clear. I feel like I have no community for FRIENDSHIP let alone romance with all I have going on, plus being stuck in a deep red part of an already red state, I was attacked just trying to buy groceries a few weeks after the election so I'm even more hesitant to even try to go anywhere for anything. I haven't set foot back in that store, settling for buying food at dollar stores as they're the only other thing close to where I live, because I'm so terrified of people hurting me again. I've thought of trying a dating app again, but I'm afraid of being manipulated like before again, and with the state of things I can see dating apps soon becoming dangerous for the lgbtqia2p community in general.
The world just feels so hostile, I have so much going on (see my last entries and just... A lot I won't get into), all I want is someone to cuddle up to and get through the storm with. Someone I can lean on, let them lean on me, be myself with and be loved/accepted wholly. Give them that in return. I don't think I've ever had anyone really do that to/for/with me. Platonic, familial, romantic- nothing. Whole other cans of worms.
I don't know. I guess I just want to say watch out for people who lie about being mono then try to polybomb you, and if any of you who do that sort of thing are reading this, cut it the hell out. It's also not being bigoted towards poly folk to just not want to be poly or date anyone who is poly, quit acting like it is, and telling someone that they're not worth commitment essentially? Disgusting. You're poly, fine and dandy, don't shame people who aren't or try to trick them into it. That's also not be polybashing, either. I'm just, admittedly, very hurt and traumatized further after that experience. In order to explain just why, I'd have to give information that would doxx me however, so I will not.
I also want to say, I wish sex wasn't put on such a high pedestal in love, that there were more people who liked cuddling and emotional connection over intimacy in that way. I wish cis people didn't see me, intersex person, as a broken thing needing fixed- that trans people would recognize I'm part of the community and have no privilege over them. We are both hurt by the same bigotry, the same bigots, I just want community and to belong. I don't want to hurt anyone. I just want to find my forever people, friends and love, make the family I never got to have.
Does anyone have any advice for what I can do in my situation in regards to attempting to date? Or am I a lost cause?
This site has become my way to scream into the void, I guess, I'm sorry I'm so depressing.
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Points of view
I understand it must be difficult. However, it seems you might be generalizing certain communities in your post. Polyamory and monogamy are both valid relationship structures, and one should not overshadow the other's importance. It's essential to approach all relationships with open communication and understanding. I've had similar experiences where I needed to navigate different expectations, learning that it's crucial to discuss boundaries beforehand to avoid misunderstandings. Rather than feeling stuck, consider seeking support groups or online forums where you might find individuals who align with your values; these platforms can offer a sense of belonging and safety. Embracing the diversity within our community can often lead to beautiful, unexpected connections.
I was not trying to insinuate that polyamory isn't a valid structure, so I apologize for that, I was just communicating my frustration given the incident above that I vented about a tad bit. I had communicated boundaries with her, I had been up front about being completely monogamous and she had lied to me, saying she was then turning around and saying actually no I'm not which led to a... Lot of hurt, and too much to get into here. I was not trying to insult polyamory itself, but speak to how the number I have encountered had behaved with me ^^^
I suppose that since it feels I don't fit in with anywhere even in my own communities, it did come off quite harsh, and I thank you for taking a moment to respond to me and being kind even when I accidentally made a bit of an ass of myself.
I totally see what you're saying... your experience sounds really tough...! I've been through similar stuff, and I know how hard it is... Being deceived about relationship intentions is really frustrating, especially when you're looking for honesty and transparency... The monogamy versus polyamory debate can be really exhausting, and it does feel like some try to pressure others into their way of thinking... 😟
I get the struggle of feeling like you don't belong anywhere because I have been there too. It's challenging when you're searching for community and facing barriers at every turn, especially in environments that feel hostile...... Many in the LGBTQIA+ space feel alienated, and bridging that gap remains a complex issue... Wishing for more focus on emotional connections over physical aspects is understandable; Keep sharing your voice; it might lead you to others who feel the same way..!