I need help navigation a painful breakup
The story
Hey guys, I was broken up with by an someone a few weeks ago. I will give a run down of the relationship and the breakdown of the relationship. I need help navigating the break up and the no contact period.
I have been in no contact with him for 6 weeks now, I blocked him everywhere. I just need clarity on the situation. I have known this person for so long but we reconnected last year. It started as friendship which progressed into a loving relationship with no abuse or infidelity.
In the first month of the relationship he ghosted me for a few days. He shutdown because he was going through a lot of personal stuff. He didn't tell me all this but just stopped talking to me. I had to call and send multiple messages. Then I told him if he doesn't respond, I will assume he ghosted me and I'll move on. After that he sent a lot of texts saying how much he loves me and the last thing he wants is to break up. He was just going through something and I should just give him space and he would come back. I did just that and gave him space till he came back.
This became a habit, he would randomly ghost when going through something and he'd expect me to just know and give him space. I thought I was a securely attached person but his ghosting and coming back randomly triggered my anxiety. I used to send messages on multiple platforms or try to call just to know why he ghosted and stuff like that. Other than this shutting down, he was a good partner to me.
He was also scared that I'd leave him and would panic all the time, ask for reassurance that I won't leave.
He left the country later on, we started long distance. And before he left, I asked him not to shut down when things get hard. He agreed and I trusted him on this.
2 weeks after he left, he just shut down, stopped talking to me. I didn't know about attachment styles then. So him being 1000 miles away from me, triggered my anxious side, I was sending messages on various platforms, calling etc.. I had to reach out to his family member and that's when he sent an email saying he is going through a lot, is depressed and he needs a break. All I wanted from him was that, he should at least talk to me beforehand, then I'll give him space. I left him alone but I used to check in with him once or twice in a week during that period.
By this time my anxiety was already triggered and was no longer secure in the relationship. Small things or small change in his behavior would trigger me. He came back 3 weeks later but was cold and distant for no reason. This triggered me more. At this stage he stopped answering my calls at all but was texting me daily though at a reduced frequency. He stopped saying I love you to me unless I said it first and this continued till the relationship ended.
When I brought this up, he used to say I should just give him time, and that things between us will go back to normal soon.
My birthday came around, I'm not sure what happened that morning, but maybe my anxious side was activated. I was just craving for more attention from him I guess. We texted a little bit that morning. I tried calling him that morning. I called several times and he hang up on me. I spiraled and started leaving messages telling him, I do not appreciate how he is treating and that I don't think he loves me anymore. We stopped talking for a like 3 weeks, but somewhere in those 3 weeks, he said he still wants to be with me and he doesn't want to be away from me but he just needs to sort out his personal life, so I should give him time.
When he came back, it was still the same. Poor communication, slow replies but was still asking me to be patient with him. This had been dragging on for 5 months. It was affecting me because my needs weren't being met and all I was being told was to be patient. Our anniversary came, he sent me a happy anniversary message. But went on to ghost for 2 days. I told him I do not appreciate being treated that way and he broke up with me via text. You can read the text on my profile.
After that I reached out to him and he just confused me more. He said he doesn't want to be with anyone else but me, that he is still in love with me but he will miss me. He said that he was just not in the right mindset to be in a relationship. He said the main reason he broke up with me is that he doesn't know if he will ever be happy due to his struggles. I asked if he was okay with trying again when in a better place, he said "Idk, we'll see". I took that as a no. He said we should go no contact so that we can work on ourselves but was open to me reaching out 6 months down the line. This confused me a lot and left me with more questions than answers.
Is it okay for me to reach out to him on his birthday or after the 6 months have elapsed. And if thinks go well for him, do you think there is a he might come back when he is less overwhelmed. I don't want anything with him, just to check up on him since we were friends for 16 yrs before dating.
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Points of view
I empathize with your situation, as it can be genuinely challenging to navigate a relationship where communication is inconsistent. I mostly agree with your desire for more clarity and upfront communication from him, especially in a long-distance relationship where misunderstandings can easily arise. Personally, I understand the anxiety that can stem from such unpredictability, having experienced something somewhat similar myself. It's crucial in any partnership to have open channels of dialogue and a mutual understanding of each other's needs. Given his personal struggles, it might be wise to focus on your own well-being for now and consider reaching out only if you genuinely feel ready for any outcome. If you decide to reconnect, perhaps approach with an open mind and heart, hoping for the best but prepared for any possibility. 🙂
it's tough dealing with someone who shuts down like that, especially with long-distance in the mix. i mostly get where you're coming from, the absence of constant and reliable communication is a huge roadblock; it messes with trust and stability. while he might be going through personal issues, his behavior really seems to have taken a toll on your mental health too, which isn't fair in any relationship. trust me, i've seen this kind of avoidant attachment style create so much turmoil; it often leaves the other person stressed and anxious. totally understandable that you're confused about whether to reach out again, but be prepared for more uncertainty if you do. for now, maybe focus on your own peace of mind; that's what really matters. 💔
ugh, dealing with ghosting is the worst; seriously, it's an emotional rollercoaster that nobody wants to be on. i mostly see your point, especially when you say, "all I wanted from him was that, he should at least talk to me beforehand," because that's just basic respect, right? 🙄 it’s like he’s stuck in his own head, but meanwhile, you're left dealing with the fallout and stress. i've dealt with people who had this same avoidant-attachment issue, and it’s pretty draining when everything's always on their terms. honestly, focusing on your own mental health sounds like the way to go; you deserve someone who values open and honest communication. breaking the cycle of hoping for change might be tough, but your peace should always come first. 🙂
wow, this situation sounds like a total mess, but i totally get where you’re coming from! 🙌 it’s super frustrating when someone just peaces out without a heads up, especially when you feel close to them. i've been there, and it's like they push your buttons and then bail, leaving you in the lurch. it's cool that you're trying to give him space, but damn, he needs to step up and communicate like an adult. at the end of the day, focusing on yourself and what makes you happy is key. life's too short to be stuck in limbo waiting on someone who can't get their act together. you're doing great by prioritizing your own peace; keep shining!