Hi everyone. So I am almost 30 and for the past year (literally a year, we just had our first anniversary) I have been in a relationship with a truly wonderful man. The first problem is, we live in different countries with an 8 hour flight between us. We are fortunate enough to have the money to fly back and forth to see each other about every 3 months, but the day-to-day is obviously very difficult compared to most relationships.

The second problem is that I am 5 years younger than my boyfriend and have been dealing with a lot of chronic health issues for a couple of years now, meaning I had to reduce to part-time hours and move back in with my parents, while he works full time in a job I admire him very much for. He lives with a roommate in a gorgeous apartment and is a very devoted dog dad, and he has filled his life with all these wonderful creative people who I am a little bit starstruck by. They aren't celebrities or anything, but they are performers and artists and basically the people I wish I could be like. He is obviously not a perfect person, but I love him very much and I deeply respect him for the life he's created for himself.

Every few weeks I keep having these intense episodes of insecurity where I am convinced I'm not good enough to be his partner, because I'm so far behind in all my life goals and I have all these issues to deal with, and that he will inevitably leave me for someone who's more convenient and fits into his life better. I know this is irrational and he reassures me a lot when I bring it up -- he loves me, he chooses me, he wants me -- but I feel bad continually bringing it up when I know it's my problem to deal with internally. I have very bad trust issues based on previous relationships and friendships that ended badly, and my self-esteem is not the best, so I know why I'm struggling so much with these thoughts. But I still struggle to cope with them. I have sometimes thought that it would be easier for both of us to end the relationship, but we love each other so much and I feel like that would be like cutting off my nose to spite my face. Sometimes my insecurity even takes the shape of fixating on particular friends or exes of his, where I start comparing us and mentally listing all the ways they're objectively better than me, and I feel so jealous/envious/self-hating that I end up breaking down -- meanwhile my boyfriend is oblivious to all of this because I keep it from him and act like everything's okay during our daily phone call.

I know this can't continue as a pattern because it's not healthy or fair to either of us, and I worry it's going to eventually start bleeding into our interactions and I'm going to drive him away by starting to be needy and controlling. I am trying to gather the courage to start seeing a therapist about it before the end of this year. I know I must come across as a bit pathetic in this story, but the thing is, I'm actually pretty strong and resilient for the most part and able to assert myself. I think being in love just makes me feel SO much more vulnerable than any other part of my life that it's easier for my brain to start spiraling on things I'm normally able to brush off. Also, normally I would speak to my friends about stuff like this, but both of my best friends are going through reaaally big life stuff right now and I feel silly whining about the same old thing again and again, hence why I'm posting here. I guess I hope this might be relatable to someone? Or someone can just tell me to calm down and that it'll all probably be okay?

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