Insecure in an LDR
The story
Hi everyone. So I am almost 30 and for the past year (literally a year, we just had our first anniversary) I have been in a relationship with a truly wonderful man. The first problem is, we live in different countries with an 8 hour flight between us. We are fortunate enough to have the money to fly back and forth to see each other about every 3 months, but the day-to-day is obviously very difficult compared to most relationships.
The second problem is that I am 5 years younger than my boyfriend and have been dealing with a lot of chronic health issues for a couple of years now, meaning I had to reduce to part-time hours and move back in with my parents, while he works full time in a job I admire him very much for. He lives with a roommate in a gorgeous apartment and is a very devoted dog dad, and he has filled his life with all these wonderful creative people who I am a little bit starstruck by. They aren't celebrities or anything, but they are performers and artists and basically the people I wish I could be like. He is obviously not a perfect person, but I love him very much and I deeply respect him for the life he's created for himself.
Every few weeks I keep having these intense episodes of insecurity where I am convinced I'm not good enough to be his partner, because I'm so far behind in all my life goals and I have all these issues to deal with, and that he will inevitably leave me for someone who's more convenient and fits into his life better. I know this is irrational and he reassures me a lot when I bring it up -- he loves me, he chooses me, he wants me -- but I feel bad continually bringing it up when I know it's my problem to deal with internally. I have very bad trust issues based on previous relationships and friendships that ended badly, and my self-esteem is not the best, so I know why I'm struggling so much with these thoughts. But I still struggle to cope with them. I have sometimes thought that it would be easier for both of us to end the relationship, but we love each other so much and I feel like that would be like cutting off my nose to spite my face. Sometimes my insecurity even takes the shape of fixating on particular friends or exes of his, where I start comparing us and mentally listing all the ways they're objectively better than me, and I feel so jealous/envious/self-hating that I end up breaking down -- meanwhile my boyfriend is oblivious to all of this because I keep it from him and act like everything's okay during our daily phone call.
I know this can't continue as a pattern because it's not healthy or fair to either of us, and I worry it's going to eventually start bleeding into our interactions and I'm going to drive him away by starting to be needy and controlling. I am trying to gather the courage to start seeing a therapist about it before the end of this year. I know I must come across as a bit pathetic in this story, but the thing is, I'm actually pretty strong and resilient for the most part and able to assert myself. I think being in love just makes me feel SO much more vulnerable than any other part of my life that it's easier for my brain to start spiraling on things I'm normally able to brush off. Also, normally I would speak to my friends about stuff like this, but both of my best friends are going through reaaally big life stuff right now and I feel silly whining about the same old thing again and again, hence why I'm posting here. I guess I hope this might be relatable to someone? Or someone can just tell me to calm down and that it'll all probably be okay?
Stories in the same category
Points of view
It seems like you are in a unique situation, but long-distance relationships can work when both parties are committed to finding solutions!
Yo, I totally feel you on this. Long distance can be brutal, like for real!!! It's no joke living with those constant insecurities lurking in your mind every day. But hey, it's amazing that you've got a guy who reassures and supports you! 💪 Don't beat yourself up for venting or feeling vulnerable. It's just being human ya know?? Also, talking to a therapist sounds like a solid plan. Speaking from experience, it helps so much to have someone help sort through these intense emotions. Remember you're not alone in feeling like this; seriously, relationships are tricky as hell but it's all about how you work through it together. Hang in there!
Man, this situation sounds like a headache. I get that you love him and all, but dang, it's like you're stuck in this constant anxiety cycle! 🤦♂️ Bouncing back and forth between countries can't be easy (that's not practical long term), plus feeling like you're constantly comparing yourself to his friends must be exhausting. Don't let these thoughts take up so much real estate in your head though... They ain't paying rent! Therapy could be a good move if it helps break the loop, but seriously, cut yourself some slack here. You're doing the best you can with what you've got right now.
wow, this seems like a real mess you're caught up in. living so far apart must make everything feel ten times harder and no wonder things are weighing on you with all those insecurities creeping in. those what-if thoughts can spiral out of control if you're not careful. sure, it's tough with the distance and everything but maybe focusing on your own path a bit more could help? therapy could be a step in the right direction and might give you some fresh perspective. don't dismiss yourself: anyone dealing with chronic health issues while balancing long distance has some serious resilience!!!
nah, you’re not pathetic at all. long-distance like that is tough on anyone's mental game. why do you think keeping it from him helps? it just adds weight on your shoulders to carry alone. trust issues are a beast, but having a therapist to navigate through can be super beneficial and lighten the load. sounds like he’s committed, so give yourself some credit for being worth his time too! plus, starting therapy could really help unravel these insecurities before they get in the way of something good. why wait till the end of the year if you’re already thinking about it?
hey there, i can totally relate to what you're saying. long-distance relationships are super tough and it's normal to feel insecure sometimes. from everything you described, it sounds like your boyfriend is really supportive and understanding! but yeah, it's hard not to worry about the future when there's so much going on and those health issues on top of it make it even tougher. maybe seeing a therapist would help give you tools to cope with the spiraling thoughts? just remember, nobody's perfect and feeling vulnerable doesn't take away from who you are as a person.
i know it's easier said than done, but try not to compare yourself too much with others. everyone's path is different and your story is uniquely yours! sure, his life seems exciting but he chose you for all the good things you bring into his world too. also remember that being able to admit you're struggling is actually a sign of strength in itself!
Therapy does wonders seriously. Helped me tons with my insecurities!
Man, long-distance is rough, huh? It's like you're juggling life with one hand tied behind your back. I totally get the insecurity thing too; feeling like you're not measuring up when you look around at all these seemingly perfect people. But hey, your dude chose you for a reason! He sees something in you that's special and worth the distance; 😊 Seriously though, seeing a therapist might be the game-changer here. They can help untangle those spirals so it doesn't keep getting tangled up in your relationship. It's not about being weak or pathetic: it's about finding a way to make this love story work without losing yourself in it!!!
Wow, distance can really mess with your head, can't it?
Feeling like you're on a rollercoaster of emotions is understandable given the circumstances, isn't it?
you know, it's like trying to juggle flaming daggers with one hand tied behind your back.
Ughhh, I hear ya!
I feel ya sometimes i wonder if id be better off alone too... I was in somethin similar had this thing where i always think im behind everbody else around becuz they got their lives together or whatever... getting stuck in my head bout silly (but also no always silly kinda serious) stuff sumtime makes me fixate on stuff that ain't true jus made up fears ykno. love or something reall similiar its gotta come with bit of crazy right! ur strong enuff already just fr keep pushin.
Ugh yea the truth man fear be sneaky tho gotta fight back