Strangers Again
The story
Why.
I can't understand why.
Even if I could I don't know if I would be peaceful. The problem isn't the explanation, I don't care about it anymore, I don't need answers, I just can't stand living a life being strangers with someone I genuinely cared about.
Well, let's get into the story.
I was always a shy girl, academically focused with low confidence. I had an awkward phase when I was a teenager but in highschool I got over it. However, I was never used to getting attention, so I was always anxious and didn't find myself worthy to be liked by anyone romantically, even though I always appreciated myself as a person in general.
I was really pressed to get into a certain university I never wanted, just because it was the best one, resulting in having not time to develop a personal life as a teenager and severe anxiety. However, when I finally got into that damn university I was too worried that I was totally inexperienced. I felt an urgency to just date someone to learn a few things, I was also curious.
Long story short, I met out of nowhere a guy with whom I had instantly an insane chemistry with. I didn't expect to find someone that would have actual depth. We could spend hours talking about everything, from abstract ideas, our deepest fears, to random silly things. We started dating after a while. Even though I liked him and he seemed respectful and interested I was always extremely worried and anxious about everything. I never trusted him and couldn't easily express my feelings. I seemed normal, friendly and possibly reluctant though. After some time I started falling for him, I genuinely cared about him and was sure that I wanted something serious. At the first stages of our dating phase I had avoidant tendencies and tried to find ways out but after calming myself down I realised that I wanted to stay. This was the first bell that maybe I had feelings. He had no idea I was that worried. When I care about someone I start panicking because it means something, I have recognised this pattern in myself.
However, knowing myself and how easily I can panic and leave, I decided that since I was sure I liked him to just do everything at a slower pace just so we can prevent doing anything impulsive that ruin our connection or his opinion of me. I wanted to understand what we were exactly. I wanted my time.
Well, I decided to tell him that, which turned out to be a stupid idea because he started panicking. After that he was distant and I was even more worried. I just thought that this whole time he was just pretending things and I was stupid. He reassured me that nothing was wrong, but I am not that naive, it was obvious things were not the same. He distanced himself saying he had some other problems, so I gave him space since he asked for it and that was it. I never bothered him again. I respected his decision.
I figured he didn't want a relationship but I learnt from a mutual friend some time after everything that he was with someone else.
I was devastated that I had lost that special connection. I just wanted him to smile, even if that meant that I wasn't with him.
I tried to heal, I thought I had managed that, until recently. I started dating a new guy but it isn't the same in a negative way. He seems a nice person but we don't have that spark we had with the other guy.
Sometimes I think that maybe our timing was bad or that I was too self protective, I couldn't relax. I just feel like I shouldn't have lost this person. We had a connection I never had with anyone else. I can't do anything about it. The worst part is that this feels unfinished. I just want to have a second chance with him, maybe at a time where we are both ok mentally. During the time we were dating I wasn't ok. I felt like I was betraying myself by choosing a profession I never wanted and had really depressive thoughts. Everything was also new , unstable. Now I am fine, I started using the verb 'want', I am not that shy and insecure. I feel like I am finding myself. I miss him genuinely.
It isn't just that he was my first real romantic connection, this felt unique. I am really careful with people, I don't easily fall for people, but he was something else.
I don't believe in fate, but if life let me meet him just so I lose him, then this is a joke. I can't have met him by accident. This must lead to something, I want him in my life in whatever way.
But he doesn't seem to reach out so it doesn't matter anyway. I will continue my life. I don't have another choice. I have to be respectful to myself and him.
