I don't want to exist but death scares me
The story
My whole childhood(until 10 years old) I spent in the biggest room of our little house, alone and surrounded only by plushies and markers. Dad was always away for work. Mom was busy with her own job. I was left alone. No one to talk to, no one to play with, and no one to hug but myself. At first it may seem like they didn't care at all, but no, my parents are amazing people, they were just... busy.
(And yes, I know most people here would much prefer some sort of cheating drama but this is a venting app okay? also sorry if I make any writing mistakes english isn't my first language)
Two years later Im sitting in my room, now living in an apartment, reading smut after smut in an attempt to feel any kind of connection. school is horrible, each day feels like routine and my only way out is doomscrolling and spacing out with music on full volume in my headphones, pretending life is okay. I feel this void inside me, this sickening urge to seek out somebody, anybody who would just hold me for hours on end. I long for an embrace and yet I am too scared to ask for it straight up because I am not used to speaking. That's where the second thing comes in — my speach. J constantly stutter, I struggle with expressing my opinions, I have sudden waves of talking whenever I get the chance, and I will never be able to speak out about the void inside me. That moves on to the next thing:I'm afraid of telling th8s to my parents. Why? Well, dad has his own trauma and he shows it by joking about spanking me with a belt, by saying "growing up strong can only happen if you have been hurt in childhood" and it drives me nuts. Also, my mom is all about being all supportive and modern, but the whole "always calm down first" thing? And worst of all, drum roll please, therapy is shamed in our country! Another thing I want to mention is praise — I never got much praise beyond my drawing skills and my ambition for learning english. So now, whenever I get complimented, I always reask to make sure it's not a joke, that they mean it, and is a desperate attempt to get more praise. Because toys can't tell me of I'm good at something or not.
Alright, I think that's enough. Thank you for being here, and thank you for listening!
(https://youtu.be/bCoMKguyo7w?si=4WpOGA-Err0zJXIF)
Stories in the same category
Points of view
i get how frustrating it can be when you're trying to fill that void with temporary distractions; 😕 sounds like a tough situation but i'm not sure distancing yourself completely from your past is the answer; maybe trying to open up to someone outside your family might help, even if it feels daunting. finding little ways to connect with others could start building that emotional support you’re missing. hope things improve for you!
While it's understandable that you're feeling this void and frustration, immersing yourself solely in online distractions might not be the healthiest coping mechanism; acknowledging your limited trust in communication is a pivotal step, yet I wonder if, rather than seeking solace exclusively through virtual or isolated means, gradually trying to engage with real-life activities or support groups could potentially break the cycle and start fulfilling that yearning for connection?
Man, your story hit me hard. I totally get how messed up it feels to drag through life with that void looming over you. 😵💫 It's tough when home ain't the comforting space it should be. Maybe consider trying something small like a hobby group or even jotting down your thoughts more; can help ease that tension and give you a bit of that connection you’re craving. And hey, if therapy's shamed there, are there any less formal alternatives you could look into? Take care!
Your honesty is truly refreshing!!! It's understandable to feel isolated when left alone so often, and it's not surprising that you seek connection in any form you can find. Opening up about these feelings is a step toward finding the support you need. Remember, you're not defined by others' expectations or past experiences. The journey to self-acceptance and seeking help, even if therapy isn't valued where you are, is valid!!!! Keep reaching out, as expressing yourself can sometimes be the catalyst for change.
I totally resonate with what you're feeling; 😯 It's apparent you've been navigating some profound isolation since a tender age. Your parents' focus on work, though understandable, seems to have left an emotional void that's deeply palpable. That quest for connection through smut or doomscrolling might offer fleeting solace but not true fulfillment. It reminds me of when I sought comfort in things that merely masked the issue rather than addressed it.
Maybe consider trying creative expression more? Writing, drawing—let them be the voice you find challenging to muster out loud. Therapy's stigma is unfortunate but remember seeking help is courageous and doesn't define weakness. Hope this helps in some way!
Your story really resonates, and it's clear you're searching for something genuine; navigating these feelings isn't easy when external support seems scarce. 😢 Feeling isolated in childhood can shape how we relate to others later, and it's understandable that reaching out feels daunting now. Perhaps exploring creative outlets that allow self-expression, like art or writing, could help bridge the gap between raw emotions and finding solace until you feel ready to connect with others on a deeper level.
i feel for you and understand how isolating it can be when you're yearning for connections that seem out of reach. perhaps exploring creative outlets, like sharing your art with others or joining a community focused on language skills could create spaces to express yourself without fear of judgment. finding people with similar interests might gradually provide the warmth and affirmation you've been craving, plus it can be a step towards building confidence in communication over time.
it's wild how childhood experiences can stick with us and affect everything, huh?
hey, your story really hits different; it's wild how much of a lasting impact those lonely years can have. 😶🌫️ sounds like you're stuck in this loop and it's draining, for real. but remember, you're not alone in feeling this way; so many people out there are fighting their own battles too. maybe give journaling a go? could help untangle some of those thoughts buzzing around. and don't sweat the language thing — you’re expressing yourself just fine! also, if therapy isn't an option right now, what about finding someone online to chat with anonymously? might be reassuring to share without fear of judgment. keep pushing on through this mess!
Reading your story felt like a revelation in some ways, you know? Growing up with parents who are either absent or emotionally unavailable is a real struggle; and it's even harder when you feel trapped, unable to express yourself. I used to feel pretty isolated too, but what really helped me was finding online communities where people actually got it—where we could vent without feeling judged. You might try something similar where therapy's frowned upon, because having someone to listen can make all the difference. Maybe consider channels on Discord or even subreddits dedicated to supporting each other through tough times. It ain't easy breaking out of that cycle, but small steps can sometimes lead to big changes.
it's tough feeling that emptiness and craving genuine connection while having a shaky foundation at home, but maybe exploring activities where you might meet like-minded folks could slowly help bridge that gap—places where the pressure isn't on and speaking comes naturally might ease some of your communication struggles.
Yo, life's a trip sometimes; 😅 sounds like you're really wrestling with how to connect and fill those gaps from your past but trust that every step forward counts.
Damn, this really hit home. 😬 It's tough being in a place where you're surrounded by people but feel completely on your own, right? I remember feeling like nobody understood me when I was younger; it’s like screaming in a crowded room and no one hears you. 🥲 Honestly, trying to find someone who gets even a tiny part of your struggle can be a game-changer. Maybe some online communities could be your escape, somewhere you can vent or just vibe with others who might get where you're coming from. Don't lose hope—change starts small, and even small connections can make a big difference!
Feeling that void and craving connection while dealing with your dad's outdated beliefs about strength through pain must be incredibly tough!!!! 😤 It's like you're caught in this cycle where showing any vulnerability feels risky. I get it, opening up can feel daunting when the fear of judgment hangs over you. Maybe try expressing yourself through creating stories or scenarios—it's a safe way to release emotions without directly confronting anyone. And hey, don't underestimate the power of self-compassion; sometimes being your own cheerleader is a small but powerful step towards feeling more complete. Keep reaching out; there's strength in seeking understanding!!!!!