Hiyo ! How are y'all doing doing ? I've come here to vent yet again. I'm putting in a PSA real quick to tell you that it's going to get a bit heavy and lengthy, so please click off if you're not up for it. With that out of the way, here's my vent.

My mom recently intiated a conversation with me. By that point, I was keeping my distance from her for months in hopes that she wouldn't be as surprised that I would leave the house one day and not contact her as well as the rest of the family and not getting bombarded with calls and mesages from them. She opened the conversation with the fact that she had a dream where we were together with my grandma, and at some point, grandma disappeared, leaving behind a note that says "reconcile with each other". My mom then said that passed loved ones are still there watching over us, and that she believed that grandma was sending her a message through her dreams (and thinking about it, I think that it really was just her guilt eating at her, but I can't be too sure). She finally ended that first bit with "if you have things that you are angry with me about, you can tell me."

At first, I was silent because one, I didn't really believe she'd actually listen to me, two, I thought (still do) that she was doing this in an effort to drag me back in to get me to interact with her like I used to (act like everything's fine, and when a conflict arises that either she or stepdad initiate, stay silent and never actually adress it later) and three, because I was contemplating waving her off. But I then I also thought that this could be an opportunity to address things that she did throughout the years, so I went through with it anyway.

I'm kind of nervous to talk about the first point, but I still want to have a chance on having clarity, so here goes. The first thing that I adressed was her and bio dad bringing me in a place to get needles inserted in my head. I don't know how far they went, but I ended up getting scabs on my scalp years later, and since I've had chronic skin picking since I was a kid, I picked on those. Anyway, when I mentioned it, the first thing she asks me is "you're mad about that ?" like she was almost about to laugh. I'm like "well, yeah, this thing hurt and I cried a lot because of this, why wouldn't I be ?". I was probably like, 4 or 5 from what I remember. She then explained to me that they brought me there because I apparently didn't talk a lot apart from a few words. She also explained to me that I actually had an acupuncture done on me, and that I had this done on me for at least 6 times. To this, I'm have mixed feelings because okay, it touches directly into my health, and it's normal for parents to worry about their kid's health. At the same time, I have this nagging feeling that something still doesn't feel right because of the size of the needles. Maybe it was really because I was little, but I remember them being a little bigger from standard acupuncture needles, and that it was done in a remote area. I'm not even sure if the guy that did it to me was actually a qualified person to do it. At the same time, I also read somewhere that acupunctures can hurt if they're bigger, inserted forcefully and it depends on the brand of needles. I really don't know how to feel about this.

The second point was, I noticed that my mom was chatting on the phone with a cousin that tried to r*pe me and even had a selfie with him even after I told her about it, but I didn't want to assume and I was hoping I was wrong. So I simply asked her if she was still talking to him. She was silent for a second before telling me that yes, she did. She then explained that she asked him about it and told him to stop doing that, and apparently he said okay...I am disappointed in her. So much. I'm going to be harsh, but what the hell was she thinking ? Just because you ask him to stop, you think he's actually going to stop and not do it to another girl in the family ? He attempted to SA your daughter, you learn about it from your daughter, and the first thing you think to do is ask him to stop instead of, I don't know, notifying authorities beacuse there's a literal predator in the family ?? Tbf, I just told her about the attempted assault and not the fact that I noticed from the corner of my eye that this guy, who was 20 while I was 17, was preying on me the moment he saw me, but still ! It's messed up regardless of me telling her about that part or not ! Sadly, I can't say I'm too surprised by it, because seeing her husband trying to pinch or slap her daughter's butt apparently doesn't alarm her because "it's just a joke".

Anyway, I didn't tell her about how disappointed and not surprised I was by that revelation. I just moved on to my third point, which was to ask her why she yelled at me for things I did that were ultimately inconsequential to her and why she criticized me about my physique, my way of being or my clothing style. To give you an example, not too long ago, I had an end of the year ceremony in college to attend to. I was planning for an outfit to wear when my mom called me over so that she could give me an outfit. Seeing that I honestly didn't want the clothes that she proposed to me, I politely told her no and went back in my room to continue to look for outfits in my closet and drawers. That's when she comes in, vexed and asking me why *I* was vexed. Tbf, I did walk out a little too strongly and fast for my liking, but I really wasn't. Anyway, I point out that, no, she's the one that's vexed that I said no, not me. She eventually tells me that I have to "honor" stepdad (yuck) because he would come with me to that ceremony and that my clothes are ugly. Mind you, the clothes that I have in my closet are clothes that stepsister, stepdad and her have bought me throughout the years, so I think it's jarring for her to say that.

I tell her all about that, and of course, she tells me she doesn't remember that happening ! She also tells me that she surely wanted me to be presentable the day of, and I was like "no, you were vexed that I said no, mom. You wanting me to be presentable doesn't make it okay to say that my clothes are ugly." I also tell her about a couple of other things among the numerous incidents of her yelling at me , which I'm not going to site because this vent is already long as it is. I ask her if she thinks it's normal for a parent to yell at their kid for the most minor things a kid could do. She starts answering something about "you know, you gotta know to forgive, even to your worst enemy". There's this back and forth where I keep asking her if it's normal for a parent to do that while she keeps answering that.

At the conclusion of this conversation, she "apologizes for everything she's done" and asks if I forgive her and if we could make up. I tell her that no, and explain that with everything that she's done, there's no way I'm letting her back in my life because what happened was detrimental for the mental in the long run. She kept insisting on getting me to tell her that I forgive her. At some point, she tells me that if I don't forgive, even my grandma and God wouldn't forgive me (in hindsight, I'm still baffled that she even dared to talk about my grandma like that and consequently, I felt forced to say that I forgive her so that she leaves me alone), but I insisted that I'd keep my distance from her. She eventually says that she regrets that she didn't bring me to church more when I was able to retain the teachings, which internally only made me glad that I didn't get the religious trauma flavor upon everything else.

With this ends this vent. I hope y'all have a great day/evening/night and I'll see you later !

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