dealing with sa trauma (TW: SA obv, SH, substance abuse)
The story
(its my first time posting on here, i just needed a place to vent and feel heard)
long story short, when i was around 5-8 (dont remember exactly) i was sa'd by my older brother and his best friend at the time. i was way too young to understand what was happening to me, all i knew is that it felt bad but they wouldnt stop. thankfully this only happened once because i told my mom, but then it was never brought up again, until a couple weeks ago.
the thing is that i never thought of it as SA because it felt too horrible admitting to myself that i am a victim. that being said, this trauma began showing up as me hating femininity, wearing baggy clothes to the point i didnt even undress at the beach/pool/during summer, i absolutely hate the idea of coming across as vulnerable, smoking, substances, SH,etc... in november of 2024 i finally accepted the reality. it felt so horrible that i relapsed in smoking but i thought it was better than relapsing in SH.
long story short, ive made a lot of progress since then. i told my therapist about it and it was the first time i cried in therapy in 5 years, i told my mom about it and she was very loving, but i still cant overcome it.
the nightmares and flashbacks stopped after i managed to talk to my mom about it. but theres one thing left to do, and that is to talk to my brother about it.
the reason why this is like the final boss of overcoming the trauma is that he's made advances on me in the past. not recent, but around 4 years ago he tried to get me to let him 'penetrate' me. apart from that, he's also made comments on my body when i was forced to wear dresses for formal events, talking about how big my boobs are, or how sexy i am. he has also sent me a picture of his dick in the past. thats as recent as last year.
sexual trauma is such a huge part of my subconscious identity that i am almost a legal adult and ive never been in a relationship. i dont wear makeup or dress in a feminine way cause i see it as being vulnerable. ive also never talked to my irl friends about any of this, even tho im craving to have someone listen.
i let my brother get away with so much because our dad passed away a few years ago, and i felt like my brother just wasnt in his right mind. that being said, a lot of what i mentioned happened before my dad's passing and even then, i let him get away with it because dad was an alcoholic.
surviving trauma is hard, but i think surviving the aftermath is even harder.
the first time i admitted to myself that the sa did in fact happen, i threw up.
Stories in the same category
Points of view
Hey there, I just want to say I’m really touched by your story, and I totally hear you. I’ve been through my own mess, and it’s crazy how our past can mess with our heads. But you’re not alone in this.
I used to bottle stuff up too, thinking I could handle it all on my own, but opening up—even just a little bit—was such a game changer. It’s like taking that weight off your chest and letting yourself breathe again. So big props to you for sharing your truth and making progress, even when it’s tough.
I’m just a stranger on the internet, but trust me, you’re on the right track, and it’s super inspiring. Keep pushing forward—you deserve all the healing and happiness in the world. 🌟
thank you for the support and for your comment, it means a lot! <3
it's unsettling to read your story, yet utterly unsurprising given the patterns of familial predation. your experience aligns with psychological trauma responses, particularly in victims of childhood abuse. "trauma, once felt in the body, is rarely expunged" as noted in psychological studies. your reticence to embrace femininity is a classical avoidance mechanism. the continuous inappropriate conduct of your brother is inexcusable and indicative of unresolved pathological behavior. despite progress, lingering doubts about complete recovery are warranted, considering the enduring nature of such trauma. should such issues be allowed to fester, the prognosis for total healing remains grim.
thanks for your insight, it means a lot! <3
your story... it's so heavy but honestly it resonates; i kind of get it from a personal perspective; dealing with trauma is like an ongoing battle!!! i had my own struggles with trust issues and it's tough... the way your brother acts is seriously not okay!!!!!!! healing from such deep wounds feels impossible sometimes, it's just hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel 🤔 i hope you keep pushing forward... things can get better!
thanks!!! 🫶
Hey there, it's tough reading your story, and my heart goes out to you. Surviving trauma is no easy task, and you've been through a lot. 😢
Like they say, sometimes the pain is too real, and healing just feels like a distant dream. It's like you're fighting a battle every day, and that's exhausting. Can't say I know exactly what you're going through, but I've had my struggles too, and it can be hard to see how things get better.
Some folks say time heals all wounds, but man, does it move slow. Keep hanging in there, you're not alone in this. 💪
i read your story, and while it's clearly harrowing, i can't help but feel you're dwelling too much on the negatives!!!! facing trauma is awful, no doubt, but letting it dominate your identity is not the way to overcome it; i went through some tough times myself, but focusing on resilience and the present helped me way more than just revisiting pain it’s crucial to strive for psychological growth instead of being anchored to past events!!!! recovery requires change not just reflection!!!
yeah i know what you mean. its just the fact that ive never really admitted to myself that this thing happened to me, let alone that it affected me so i was pretty destroyed when i finally caved in and let myself be sad about it. im def feeling better now tho! idk if its because ive started to heal or because im growing up and maturing a bit more but ive started to feel more comfortable in my body. thanks for your comment!
reading your story, it's clear that you've been through a lot and it's understandable to feel overwhelmed by the aftermath of such trauma. it seems like the psychological impact has seeped into every part of your life, affecting your perception of femininity and vulnerability. this is not uncommon in trauma survivors, who often employ coping mechanisms like avoidance to protect themselves. it’s a challenging journey to navigate, and while therapy and opening up can be beneficial, the road to healing is often long and arduous. there might be doubts about ever completely overcoming these experiences, as they tend to leave a lasting imprint on one's psyche. keep pushing forward, though, because every small step counts in this process of recovery. 💪