I feel like crying
The story
i have stayed weirdly composed while clearing out my late mother's apartment for three weeks. my cousins keep calling me efficient because i can fold her sweaters, label donation bags, and speak to the landlord without making a scene. right now the plain sentence in my head is, I feel like crying, and it is specifically because of a cardboard box by my shoe. that feels ridiculous when i already handled her keys, her mail, and the dented blue kettle without falling apart. i'm writing this from her kitchen floor because sitting at her table feels like too much.
the apartment is almost empty now, which should mean progress i guess. i carried six bags down to my cousin's car and completed the landlord's move-out checklist, including the appliance inventory and key handoff. the administrative part has been brutally simple, even when her scarf was still hanging behind the bedroom door. for now, the box remains unopened beside the recycling bin;
late this afternoon a supermarket delivery arrived under her recurring order. the fulfillment label had her name, the SKU for her usual bergamot tea, and a substitution note saying no substitutions. her customer account charged $18.62 because she had added the tea to auto-ship before she died, then nobody canceled it. i thanked the driver and took the box because explaining her death in the hallway seemed disproportionate. 😔 somehow that ordinary barcode did more damage than clearing her closet did.
my mother used to steep that tea until it was nearly bitter while she sorted coupons at this same table. when i made it weaker, she called it "dishwater" and drank it anyway 😂. i keep seeing her hand tapping the mug while she read the grocery receipt, which is a tiny memory and not even an important one. maybe that is why the unopened box feels so mean, because the ordering system carried on with perfect accuracy while she did not. but my relatives keep saying, "you're the strong one," whenever my face changes, so then i straighten up again.
the objective explanation is obvious: a recurring order was fulfilled because nobody updated the account. objectively, the tea is just inventory, the charge can probably be refunded, and the box could be donated. i still cannot open it, and i am doubtful that doing so would produce anything except a much worse scene on her kitchen floor. so, what would you do with the unopened tea when everybody has assigned you the strong role and I feel like crying?
