I spoke to my mom
The story
So, I think some of read my vent in https://iiwiars.com/school/i-m-a-failure-long-version
And I showed it to my mom. She said it was nonsense of me to keep dragging this now because it already finished 2 days ago. She told me that the family still loves me, and no other family can ever love me the same way. What if she's lying? She said in life you shouldn't feel miserable and still allow yourself to change. I told her I can't change, and that I wish I could be faster because I'm slow compared to many others, but Moomy told me that it doesn't matter and I will still change and be good. What if she's lying? She also said that she can be my friend because she's my mom and so far she's been understanding. What if she's lying? She says that we all have a good time until I remember that we had a horrible argument/misunderstanding the night before, which she said she didn't forget, but she didn't wanna let it define her. What if she's lying? I'm hurt by the argument that day, and I feel like I was turned into a clown-like caricature, a "child creating her own problems to seek attention from others".
Surely I'm Belle Gibson, the Instagram lady who almost convinced the world she had cancer and they believed her genuinely (you should read the website above to know what I mean). My mom said that I shouldn't vent anymore and I should delete the thing, the big paragraphs I showed her, because it's not true. I told her that's not the point of a vent, and she said vents are apparently some stuff "people shove their ass in". Fuck her so much. I told her whenever I get angry, I wanna murder people, like, literally, and she called me a psycho. I told her I should've never said that and kept it in, but for some reason, bloody whore tells me to tell her EVERYTHING because she won't leave me behind! Bitch, you're lying, I know you are! Shut the fuck up, Moomy! Should I even call her that? It sounds wrong. Imagine having your mother as a friend, it'd be humiliating if any of my classmates saw me walk with my mom and brother in malls and not my friends, because I lack them. She told me I was good enough for now and I can improve, but not by "being miserable" because "I'm digging a deep hole I can't get out of".
I know she's been in many hardships, her parents divorced, financial issues, she couldn't have her dream job of being a doctor (she's an engineer now), yet she's never vented, because she's always been positive? That's some anime BS where the main guy says that! BS! I'm not digging a hole, am I? I'm telling the truth. Cynicism and hopelessness works because I'm not chasing fake happiness, I'm seeking the real truth. Again, it's embarrassing I'm having a "friendship" with my Moomy and not another person from class! Who even does that now? I don't even know anyone online! She's lying!
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Points of view
You got a lot going on, and honestly, it sucks to feel like you can't trust your own mom... but I think your mom really loves you ;-) I've been there too, questioning everything my family says. But man, calling her that seems harsh. So... maybe she isn't lying; maybe she's just awkwardly trying to be supportive in her way? Parents aren’t perfect sages! most of them are winging it too. Have you thought about what you'd want from her instead of what you're getting? 🤔
Dude, that sounds rough; it's like you're caught between wanting validation and feeling like your mom's not giving it right. I get the vibe of questioning if she's lying about loving you: I've felt that too with my folks before. But let's be real, does anyone have the parent-child thing figured out? Maybe cut her some slack; she might genuinely think this is helping! You said you want to be faster, but have ya ever thought about what "being better" even looks like for YOU, not just compared to others?!
yo, sounds like you're in a tough spot with sorting all this out. questioning if your mom's lying is intense but maybe she's just trying her best to figure it out too. family stuff can be messy and not always perfect. sometimes parents say things that don't land right, doesn't mean they're lying tho. 🤷♂️ have you thought about what small steps might help you feel more confident, outside of comparing yourself? sometimes little wins can change how we see things!