I feel like my life is a huge joke. I feel like I’m the punching bag in a fight club.

When I was around 12, my grandparents had both passed away and I was moved states away. I loved my grandparents, and they raised me. My dad was not in my life at any point, and my mom was barely present.

My mom had a long distance girlfriend at the time, and both her and the girlfriend pressured me until I finally agreed to the move. I’ll call the girlfriend Jane. Jane constantly told me ways my life would be better, and later escalated to how much happier my mom would be if I agreed to move. It was very manipulative.

Once we moved to another state, about 9 hours away from all of my family, things became unbearable. Jane was emotionally abusive. She was a full blown narcissist. She made my mom financially dependent on her. I was cursed at for hours on end daily. Jane would call me derogatory names constantly. If I simply forgot to unload the dishwasher, I was screamed at. Nothing I did was ever good enough. For the first year I would go out to my mom’s car and sob. My mom would come check on me, and I would beg her to take me back home. She never did.

After years of abuse, I tried multiple times to kill myself. I finally told Jane and my mom that how they treated me made me miserable. Jane’s response was to threaten to call the police and have me arrested for insubordination. I was 16 at the time, and had no idea if that was something she could do. Instead of getting help and therapy that I begged for, I was punished. I wasn’t even allowed to shave my legs, which was horrifying because I played sports year round and it was volleyball season. There is so much to share about my life with Jane, but I’ll move on.

At 17 I graduated and started college. I made sure to get housing on campus so I could get away from my mom and Jane. During the semester, I enlisted in the army. During my time in the military, I went no contact with my mom and Jane. I did everything to ensure I never had to go home. If I wasn’t staying in barracks, I would stay in my car or at a boyfriend’s house.

Years later I went back to school, and stayed with my boyfriend’s family. When we broke up, I had no choice but to go home. Jane was dying with cancer. I moved back in October, and by December she died. She was absolutely horrible even dying. She tried to be abusive, but with me being older and able to evade her it wasn’t successful. My mom told me in private many times that she couldn’t wait for Jane to die. It’s now been years since Jane died. I’m no contact with my mom again.

My relationships, intimate or friend, have also been horrible. My very first serious boyfriend raped me and SA’d me. I stayed with him for 2 years, because I thought that was how relationships were. Jane constantly told me how I should make sure I keep him because I’ll never deserve or get anything better. I was 16 and believed her.

My next long relationship was 4 years and was the boyfriend I lived with. He cheated religiously. Everytime I tried to leave he would sob and lay down behind my car. If I would get upset and not want to hear his excuses, he would hold me down and scream in my face. He treated me terribly.

After I went home and Jane died, I dated off and on. I had better short term relationships, and most ended because we didn’t meld all the way. They were all mutual and civil breakups, but nothing lasting more than a couple months at most.

My current relationship has been for the last 3+ years. We just celebrated our one year wedding anniversary a couple days ago.

In August, I cut off my best friend. I’m going to call her Alice. Alice was my first friend when I moved here. She was my maid of honor when I got married. Our friendship had never really been the best. She constantly threw me under the bus and talked bad of me behind my back. She would use me as a scapegoat to her parents, and honestly I didn’t care because it wasn’t like my life could get any worse with mine at the time. Once we got older tho, she would talk about me to my boyfriends. When I asked her to stop, she would claim to have every right to talk about whoever she wanted to whoever she wanted to. She could be pretty nasty. Most of the time they were lies or just complete misunderstandings that she turned into huge ordeals. All of this improved over the last couple of years, and I thought we were past it. I thought she had matured. In August, we had a skirmish. I had been self isolating, and she was furious with me. She was angry that I hadn’t been talking to her. I explained that I hadn’t talked to anyone, and I was apologetic that she got included. I did try to explain that talking to her was difficult. She would constantly leave me on read, or respond with one word replies. She never acted as if she cared, and I was always a burden to her. I would have understood if I was this Debbie downer, but I wasn’t. The burden I put on her, was asking to spend time together. Before I started isolating, I tried with all of my friends to reach out and establish some sort of talking. Most didn’t reply at all to my, “hey how are you?” Alice responded, but she blew up on me. She told me she loved me but she just couldn’t hang out or give me any semblance of communication because she was so exhausted. I told her that the only reason I was texting was to actually see how she was. I knew she had been stressed with her job, and I wanted to check on her. Which was the truth. After that conversation, I stopped reaching out. I stopped trying. I adopted a “let them” policy. Months later in August she blew up on me for it. When I tried to explain how I had been doing with my own mental health, she stopped replying. She told me that she couldn’t be there for me and that she was too upset. For context, I was feeling pretty worthless and unwanted. Nothing incredibly heavy, and it was the first time I’d talked to her about my mental state in almost a year. After her reaction, I told her I didn’t really want to talk to her for a while. I wanted some boundary to feel safe and respected. Within a couple of days, multiple mutual friends blocked me. I learned from one that Alice had shared a completely made up lie. She had painted me to anyone who would listen that I was an absolute villain in a completely made up story. I shared with the same friend evidence of what actually happened. They confirmed that she was telling a horrible alternate version to make herself a victim. After that I was done. I cut her off and haven’t spoken with her since.

About a month later, I was finally getting over and accepting that I had no family or friends. I had my husband and his family. I was feeling terribly alone. That same September, I found out that my husband had been cheated on me since the beginning. He had multiple affairs. He had online relationships with countless women.

So yea. That’s the shortest way to get my story out. I feel like every single person I’ve let into my life has hurt me. I feel devastated. I don’t want to be alone, but no person who was supposed to love me actually loved me and didn’t hurt me. When I think about all of the hurt I’ve had in my life, I can’t help but wonder what past sins I committed that would warrant such pain in this life.

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