My wife is the caregiver of her mother

Hi. My wife and I (both female) will be married for 4 years this summer, together for 9. I have 2 kids from previous relationships, one has a lot of behavioral/learning disabilities. We had enough of our own issues as a couple. But then her mom asked to move in with us. She lived 4 hours away with her boyfriend. I had met her in person I think twice. And this conversation never happened early in our relationship. I had said that my child would likely need to live with me for a long time or forever. But never a mention of her mom. And personally. I was finally in a space I could call my own and do things the way I wanted to. So I really didn’t want her to move in. But she promised it would be temporary. Until she got a job and got on her feet. Maybe just a few months. Which then she asked for a year. And then she asked for her to just stay forever. This placed a big wedge in our marriage. We started couples therapy. Which didn’t help. She threw literal screaming tantrums any time I said how I was feeling and would storm out. She really started to show me how immature she was. Her mom ended up going back home after a month a half. Maybe a week after she went back. She all of a sudden got extremely sick and almost died. My wife was gone for 5 weeks to stay in the hospital with her mom. She left me. And the kids. And her job. For 5 weeks. I understand visiting. I understand feeling scared and sad. But she just up and left and we didn’t matter. When she came back and realized her mom was never going to be ok again. Needing to be on oxygen forever among many other things. She gave me an ultimatum. She said “please don’t make me choose between you and my mom”. It should never be a choice. There should be compromise. But she doesn’t know how to do that. And I should have walked away. But I didn’t. Bc I love her. Now 2 years later. My living room is a hospital room. Every decision that’s made is about her and her mom. I don’t matter. My voice doesn’t matter. No matter how nicely I try to talk to her about anything, she turns it into a fight. Her mom needs a lung transplant. That based on all of her medical conditions, she is very unlikely to be eligible. I feel like a 3rd party in my marriage. I feel like we’re just roommates living in a routine. There’s no. Anything. And I don’t even cry about it anymore. She sleeps most nights on the couch near her mom “in case something happens”. I keep thinking about how much happier. Or at peace. I would be, if I left. Not sure what I’m looking for here. Maybe someone who has gone through something similar. Tell me how I’m feeling is not crazy and selfish. Bc she calls me selfish quite a bit. I’m not allowed to have an opinion that’s different. Her mom came here and everything changed. House rules. The way we do things. It has to all be the way her mom says it’s should be. This is my house. That her mom moved into. Yes she contributes some from her disability checks. But we spend more than double each than her mom spends. And somehow she gets to tell us how to do things. Everything in this house I helped pay for. Not her mom. I didn’t move into her mom’s house. I hate feeling this way. I feel stuck. And sad. Idk. I guess that’s it. Thank you for reading.

what would you do? how would you feel?

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