My wife is the caregiver of her mother
The story
Hi. My wife and I (both female) will be married for 4 years this summer, together for 9. I have 2 kids from previous relationships, one has a lot of behavioral/learning disabilities. We had enough of our own issues as a couple. But then her mom asked to move in with us. She lived 4 hours away with her boyfriend. I had met her in person I think twice. And this conversation never happened early in our relationship. I had said that my child would likely need to live with me for a long time or forever. But never a mention of her mom. And personally. I was finally in a space I could call my own and do things the way I wanted to. So I really didn’t want her to move in. But she promised it would be temporary. Until she got a job and got on her feet. Maybe just a few months. Which then she asked for a year. And then she asked for her to just stay forever. This placed a big wedge in our marriage. We started couples therapy. Which didn’t help. She threw literal screaming tantrums any time I said how I was feeling and would storm out. She really started to show me how immature she was. Her mom ended up going back home after a month a half. Maybe a week after she went back. She all of a sudden got extremely sick and almost died. My wife was gone for 5 weeks to stay in the hospital with her mom. She left me. And the kids. And her job. For 5 weeks. I understand visiting. I understand feeling scared and sad. But she just up and left and we didn’t matter. When she came back and realized her mom was never going to be ok again. Needing to be on oxygen forever among many other things. She gave me an ultimatum. She said “please don’t make me choose between you and my mom”. It should never be a choice. There should be compromise. But she doesn’t know how to do that. And I should have walked away. But I didn’t. Bc I love her. Now 2 years later. My living room is a hospital room. Every decision that’s made is about her and her mom. I don’t matter. My voice doesn’t matter. No matter how nicely I try to talk to her about anything, she turns it into a fight. Her mom needs a lung transplant. That based on all of her medical conditions, she is very unlikely to be eligible. I feel like a 3rd party in my marriage. I feel like we’re just roommates living in a routine. There’s no. Anything. And I don’t even cry about it anymore. She sleeps most nights on the couch near her mom “in case something happens”. I keep thinking about how much happier. Or at peace. I would be, if I left. Not sure what I’m looking for here. Maybe someone who has gone through something similar. Tell me how I’m feeling is not crazy and selfish. Bc she calls me selfish quite a bit. I’m not allowed to have an opinion that’s different. Her mom came here and everything changed. House rules. The way we do things. It has to all be the way her mom says it’s should be. This is my house. That her mom moved into. Yes she contributes some from her disability checks. But we spend more than double each than her mom spends. And somehow she gets to tell us how to do things. Everything in this house I helped pay for. Not her mom. I didn’t move into her mom’s house. I hate feeling this way. I feel stuck. And sad. Idk. I guess that’s it. Thank you for reading.
what would you do? how would you feel?
Stories in the same category
Points of view
wow, that sounds incredibly tough!! it's definitely not selfish to want your own space and feel heard in your relationship; balancing family obligations can be so challenging! it's important to communicate how you feel without it escalating—maybe setting boundaries or seeking individual counseling could help?? ultimately, you deserve to feel like a partner and not just an outsider in your own home; hoping things get better for you!!!
We are both in individual therapy. But there is no setting boundaries and her not escalating. She escalates EVERY time. She actually kicked me and my daughter out of the house right before Christmas for a week. I should have left then. Or a million other opportunities to go. I’m pathetic.
you are not pathetic dude!!!
Thank you 💗
It sounds like a very complex and challenging situation, particularly when familial obligations come into play alongside personal relationships. While your circumstances are unique, it’s not uncommon for people in long-term partnerships to face unexpected dynamics that strain the relationship. The introduction of a significant third party in your living space certainly complicates things; the mention of "temporary" arrangements turning into permanent ones is unfortunately a tale as old as time. Have you considered discussing boundaries with your wife that allow both care for her mom and respect for your shared household? It’s important that everyone feels heard and seen, yet it seems this is lacking at present. Perhaps re-evaluating what "compromise" genuinely means for both parties might be beneficial here…
She believes the only boundaries that matter are her own. When I speak up get shut down before finishing my sentence.
Man, you definitely ain't crazy or selfish for feeling this way!
I appreciate that. Bc I feel like a crazy lady.
man, you're going through the wringer with this one!! it’s totally valid to feel like you’re on the outside looking in; i mean, your home should be a sanctuary, not a battleground... have you thought about carving out a space or time that's just for you and your kids?? sometimes setting up small boundaries can create more breathing room and help preserve your sanity... from what you've said, it seems like everything revolves around her mom now—tough situation to navigate for sure!! it's baffling how you can't express yourself without it spiraling into chaos... i guess relationships are all about compromise, but when there's none coming back at ya, it's okay to question if things are worth the emotional toll! you're definitely not crazy; just sounds like you're human trying to cope. hang tight!!!
I’m currently living in my bedroom alone. Well. With the cats 😂 I’m more at peace alone than I am trying to fix this relationship.
it sounds like you're in a really difficult spot right now; it's understandable to feel overwhelmed with such dramatic changes in your home life; "feeling like a third party" in your own relationship isn't something anyone should have to endure, especially when it seems there's no compromise or consideration for how these decisions affect you and your kids. staying true to yourself and seeking professional guidance solo could offer a new perspective on managing the situation; remember that it's crucial to prioritize not just love, but mutual respect and understanding as well.
It’s a one way street unfortunately. With a lot of love bombs when she realizes I’m not giving in. I don’t wanna do it anymore. She hurt my soul.
Your situation is an absolute nightmare; it's not crazy or selfish to want a partner that prioritizes you while recognizing family commitments, but this situation reeks of manipulation and emotional neglect!
These comments are all so validating. I have been beating myself up for 2 years. Thank you.
Dang, that's a messy situation! 🤯 Your home should feel like your sanctuary, not a hospital. If I were you, I'd lay it out straight with her: living like roommates ain’t cutting it. Maybe write her a letter? Sometimes seeing things in black and white smacks folks into reality. Gotta find that middle ground or you'll just end up resenting each other. Hang in there and fight for what matters to you!
I totally get how overwhelming and lonely that must feel—it's definitely not crazy or selfish to want your home to be a place where you have a say, and it sounds like having open conversations about boundaries and what you need could be really important in this situation, maybe even with the help of someone like a counselor who can mediate things so everyone feels heard.
it seems you're facing a monumental challenge, and feeling like a 3rd party in your own marriage must be incredibly isolating; perhaps exploring personal therapy could provide clarity on navigating these emotions and determining what you truly need for your well-being; sometimes reflecting on your boundaries and values helps to illuminate the right path forward in complex situations such as these.
Your situation sounds incredibly difficult, and I can understand why you feel so stuck. It must be exhausting to live in what was supposed to be your home but now feels more like someone else's domain. It's heart-wrenching when love for a partner conflicts with the sheer necessity of needing personal space and respect in your own house. Have you talked to your wife about how this living arrangement is impacting not just your relationship, but also the environment for your children? It's crucial that all voices are part of the conversation when it comes to major life changes like these. Finding a way where everyone’s needs can coexist might seem far-fetched right now, but there's got to be some middle ground;; I do hope you'll find some clarity moving forward.
Honestly, it sounds like you're in a really messed-up situation that's been brewing for far too long. You're not just dealing with an overbearing mother-in-law... it feels more like you've lost your wife to this entire ordeal. The fact that she can't grasp the concept of compromise is beyond frustrating, and I totally get why living there feels suffocating. Relationships are supposed to be about give and take, but when it's all take from one side, it's enough to make anyone feel trapped. Remember: taking care of yourself isn't selfish; it's necessary. You deserve happiness and peace, whether that's within this marriage or elsewhere.
man, reading your story is like watching a delicate balancing act turn into a full-on tightrope walk 🔥 it’s understandable you feel sidelined by everything going on—your home becoming a de facto hospital isn't something you'd signed up for. seems like the concept of “temporary” has been stretched way past its limit. maybe it’s time to think about what non-negotiables you have left in this situation. being in individual therapy is great, but continuous escalation when trying to discuss boundaries seems unsustainable... perhaps exploring other avenues or support networks could offer some clarity? it isn’t about choosing between love and self-respect—you deserve both!
Man, sounds like you're carrying a heavy load. It's never easy when it feels like everything's stacking against you. 🤔 You know, sometimes taking a step back and picturing your life five years down the line can bring clarity...is this situation aligning with your vision for happiness? Consider journaling or talking it out with someone neutral to sort through your thoughts without judgment. Being in your own corner is powerful!