Toss my pain and my wishes in wishing well
The story
Couldn't imagine myself being here on a platform to vent about my frustrations and feelings but there's no one I feel safe with venting about this. So here I go. My wife and I have been known each other and been together for 8+ years. She was living with her sister for a few years prior to me moving in. I've met her sister before and when we were dating but I never had a relationship or connection with her. Over the past 3-5 years living with her, it's been rough. I feel bad bc I've started to resent her in some ways and have started to harbour negative emotions. She's not a bad person, I just don't like the behavior and tendencies she has. She's germophopic, and I don't know if she has contamination OCD but she washes her hand a lot, she washes her clothes every other day, she doesn't like outside clothes so she has to change every time she goes out, and she showers every day. It used to not bother me so much but she quit her job and isn't paying any bills. She kind of just exists in our home. Because she is meticulous with her health, she doesn't want to apply to many jobs and so she's been selectively applying to 1 job every other week. And I'm not saying apply as much as you can but if you really want to get a job wouldn't you submit more applications? And I wouldn't even be that upset that she's not found a job yet but then she complains so much about her health and every little change with her health is affecting her. So my wife has been asking her to go with us on hikes and outings to events and parks but she always has an excuse to not go. Always. It's so annoying to me because she always told me my wife like "I really want to go out into nature and take in scenery and find myself" but then when it's time she always says no. I feel bad for my wife because I feel like she doesn't enjoy spending time with my wife and i, especially if she has to sit in a car for an hour or two. But when we planned out annual road trip and her other sisters are coming she gets super excited and actually wants to plan elaborate ideas and activities. That's annoying to me. And aside from this, she doesn't do anything with her time. She wakes up, eats breakfast, watches Instagram reels, and do laundry. That's like 80% of her routine. Because she's germophobic, she doesn't help with recycling or trash. She'd help us with our dishes but thats it. She complains about how dirty her bathroom toilet is but won't clean it for weeks. And ever since she's been home full time with nothing but time, she stays up late and sleeps in till 10-11am every day. One time my wife and I left to go somewhere with our little one and she was just home, she did some dishes when she got up but she neglected to wash a frying pan which she later got pissed about because she was getting hungry and overstimulated and of course she bursts and complains to my wife about it and I got blamed for it because I used the pan that morning. She had 3 hours to herself and didn't think to help wash the pan in the sink? I am the main person who cooks dinner for everyone. It gets tiring and now I'm also supposed to wash the dishes after. And imagine how I feel when the one person who doesn't do much has the most comments about the food? It's frustrating and annoying, so whenever my sister in law ask me "what's for dinner?" I get super triggered sometimes and feel like I don't want to answer her at all. I can't even feel like I can ask her to help me with cooking because she gets overstimulated. And My wife gets tired from her job every evening when she gets home so I try not to lean on her too much either so I'm basically pushing through by myself. I get tired, so sometimes I don't wash or do my own dishes.after I cooked. And sometimes when my sister in law is in mood, she gets all grumpy and pissy and passive and goes days without talking to my wife. Then when something small gets her she's overwhelmed and takes it out on everyone else. When she's not grumpy she talks so much. Sometimes I'm just like, man do you love hearing yourself talk? So you know when she's in a mood when she's quiet and that means she's checked out and basically unreliable for anything. Including helping us watch our little one for an hour or two while we go on a date night. She always tells my wife that shes got a plan to leave and move out of the state, but she doesn't have a job and no savings. But a part of me tells me that she's not going anywhere not with how she's approaching it. Every time my wife asks her when does she think she's going to leave, she always says "it could be next year but maybe not who knows". These things take preparation, time, and money. She did not think it through when she decided to quit her job. We pay for everything, food and bills. Imagine how much our sewage and water bill is with how much she is using. I love my wife, and maybe it's a bit foolish to say you love someone but can't bring yourself to tell them about these things. But I don't think it would be received well. My wife and her sister have a great relationship and bond that they've built. They're vulnerable with each other and can talk about anything and everything. I envy that bc I don't have that kind of relationship with my siblings. But I can clearly tell that she likes her little sisters more than my wife. I don't think she likes me either but she's kind of had to deal with me because she's living in our home and I'm her brother in law. I feel bad that I feel like I can't talk to my wife about this but we have our own issues to sort through and I'd rather focus on that with her. I just hope the universe helps her find her way so she can live instead of existing, for my sake and sanity too.
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Points of view
Dude, your sister-in-law sounds like a walking headache emoji. Like, I get it that she might have her own issues and whatever, but she's freeloading hardcore and that's just unacceptable. If she can't pull her weight around the house or contribute without whining about it, maybe it's time for a real talk with your wife about setting some boundaries or expectations. As much as it's cool they're close and all, you're not running a charity there. She needs to either step up or step out. Good luck dealing with that mess! 😒
why cant u ask?
Doesn't sound like your problem.
man, that's a tough situation you’re in!
it sounds like you're in a really frustrating spot trying to balance all these dynamics in your household. maybe instead of assuming she's not going anywhere, you could have a straightforward conversation with her about plans and responsibilities? it's easy to feel overwhelmed when someone’s behavior seems like an ongoing problem, but sometimes clear communication can make a difference. 🤔 addressing small bits at a time might help alleviate some tension at home.
why not talk?
Man, it sounds like you've got a full house of challenges there! I totally get that living with someone who doesn't pull their weight can be incredibly frustrating. There's something about your sister-in-law's selective behaviors that's raising alarms. On one hand, everyone's got their quirks and personal battles, but just existing in the space without contributing enough...puts pressure on everyone else 😕; maybe it's time for some clear-cut communication, even though it might feel awkward. Sometimes having an honest convo can lead to surprising solutions or at least make everything a bit more bearable... Hope you find some peace with it soon!
man, that sounds like such a challenging situation. when I was living with my brother for a while, things got tense because he wouldn't chip in around the house and it felt super unfair; we finally had to sit down and have an honest conversation which helped clear the air and set some expectations. maybe finding a way to talk openly could be helpful for you and your wife too, you know? I hope things improve for you guys so you can feel more at peace in your own home! 🤔
i totally get it what your saying its like living with my cousin she also does this things that makes me go crazy sometimes like when she goes into a rant about the environment and just leaves her own stuff everywhere it's so frustrating! Really thought it was just me who has to deal with this kind of nonsense
dude, you're stuck with a real tough situation there; gotta say living with people who don't pull their weight can be super frustrating. maybe it'd help to set up some house rules? like, you've got your own family to think about and it seems like she's more of a roommate than family right now. she should know it's not just about doing dishes or cooking, it's about everyone contributing to the household in whatever way they can. venting here is cool but maybe sharing a bit of this with your wife might ease some of that tension too. you deserve peace in your home!
this whole situation sounds super tough i mean really why do you think she quit her job in the first place if shes not ready to take on new one? maybe shes depressed or anxious about something have you tried talking with her directly about any of these issues or its just no option at all? im wondering bc communication is everything right but sometimes its sooo hard especially when they act closed off or defensive
Exactly, it's the communication that's so difficult.
Whoa, dude, sounds like you've got a full house of drama going on there; it's a wonder you're still sane! 🤦♂️
I see your point, but family dynamics are complicated.
man, that's rough. feels like you're carrying a lot of the weight at home and it's understandable why you'd feel frustrated. maybe there’s a way to set some boundaries with her without causing too much drama. having new rules or chores might help everyone know what to expect and pitch in a bit more evenly. sounds like you’re juggling a ton, hope things get less stressful soon!
Wow, it sounds like you’re carrying a lot on your shoulders. 🤯 Living with someone who's not contributing their fair share can be incredibly draining. Your sister-in-law's behavior seems to affect not just household dynamics but also your peace of mind. Have you considered setting boundaries or establishing some kind of chore schedule? Even a small effort in that direction could help lighten the load and ensure everyone feels responsible for the shared space; sometimes small steps can lead to big improvements.
Reading your post reminded me of a time when I was stuck living with someone who didn't pull their weight around the house. We had constant tension because they wouldn’t help out. Eventually, we sat down for a chat (a bit reluctantly), and it helped clear some confusion. Maybe setting boundaries could work here.
wow, you've got yourself in a bit of a pickle there. it seems like your sister-in-law's presence is throwing off the whole vibe at home. when my partner and I had someone similar crash with us for a while, we found that setting boundaries really helped; sometimes folks just need a gentle nudge to realize they're impacting others. maybe talking things out alone with her could open her eyes to how you're feeling without involving your wife initially? it's tough because it sounds like she might be stuck in her head right now but if you take time to discuss expectations, it might make life more bearable for everyone involved! fingers crossed these bumps smooth out soon.
Maybe there's more going on with her?
Very puzzling situation 😬
I get why you're feeling so overburdened with your sister-in-law living there, it's like an extra roommate who doesn't lift a finger and has the world's highest standards. 😑 What if you try a "come to Jesus" chat with her? Sharing how this whole setup is straining you might just light a fire under her. Plus, having someone address it without involving your wife could avoid shaking up their bond too much; honestly, I wonder if she just needs that reality check to realize how much more proactive she should be about moving out or contributing. Sometimes people get stuck in their own bubble and need someone else to burst it for them. Ever thought of giving her a timeline?? like nudging her towards clearer goals to finally move on from being just another household drain?