Never good enough
The story
I've never felt like I'll ever accomplish anything. Growing up the only child meant learning to give up on whatever I truly wanted to do with my life. It's always about approval. Because if I'm the wrong thing, I'm all alone again. I've never been able to express myself properly because they have rules. I'm an adult and I still have my parents rules. No hair coloring, no tattoos, no piercings other than lobes, no anything you ever want to do for yourself because I am your mother. I can't even find my own identity in peace. I've been flip flopping between labels forever because right when I settle into one I think "Is that really me or is that just to appease her?". I have to be top of my class, straight As, I feel like I'm in a god damn musical with that song "Little Miss Perfect" because that's all my life has ever felt. I want to be more, I want to do things to help people, to help myself, but I'm stuck in this never ending loop of approval and the worst part is I know exactly what's happening and can't do anything about it. Because that would mean I'm all alone again and I always end up alone anyways. I always try too hard and fall back down like a baby bird. My mother always wonders why I never tell her anything, why I don't open up...well, when I do I get called dramatic or a brat. So why should I even try? When I was in a major depressive state in middle school and was harming myself she told me I was doing it for attention. I failed my first semester of college and tried to cover it up because I was scared of what she would do. How she would react to her perfect 4.0 GPA kid failing almost every single class. I was right to be scared. She never hurt me physically, of course. She's not stupid. She knows I would go to the police, I've told her this before. She just breaks me down bit by bit until I feel worthless. And I can't do anything about it. I have nobody to turn to, no siblings, nobody I can really ever trust to take my side. So here I am...venting on the internet.
