Fuck. FUCK, MAN. Just. Fuck.

I can't.. I just need to get some of this out. Its drowning. Memories man. Feelings. Old and new.

I remember mother and father fighting and the violence of it. He'd had enough, himself no better a place than us. A house of terror. No one was safe. But he's the protector. He's supposed to be the one with power, with Command. He's supposed to be the strong one. All the machismo falls away

She's broken him, at least then. He left. I cower in the corner. This is where it all began, where she gave herself permission to become the evil she did. I should have left. He turns to me, I'm on the balcony. Mom says she will kill me if I leave the house. I believe her. He remarks on her begininning drug habits, her whoring

I cry out for him. He turns and says "Don't worry my son!" he says it in Spanish. Our mother tongue.

"I'll come back for you! I'll come back for you!!!"

He doesn't. Not hard enough. Years go by, all alone alone. She does it all. I see it all. He knew enough, they all knew. the distant ones. No help, but they knew. he promised me he promised me, and now I struggle. now I'm broken and alone. wh didn't you come back for me dad? God damn you. Damn us all. I lost everything because of them. Left to die with her. Somehow lived. But I'm dead anyways, inside. Breathe in and out. Just need to breathe. God help me. I forgive him. I forgive my dad. He was broken too. But responsibility. parents responsibility. no excuse. his responsibility. should have done anything, even kill her. Wouldn't let my son suffer as I did. I'd never. they knew they knew what she was doing and they left me. God why did they leave me

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