Parent’s Divorce
The story
Im in a space where I don’t know what to feel. I love both my parents. But… this has been so highly stressful and im a pissed at how they handled the situation.
For reference, I’m 22. Im an adult, and I live with my boyfriend at his place. So the actual divorce doesn’t bother me that much… well I say divorce, they’re separating… but it will definitely lead to divorce. My dad is getting an apartment nearby and my mom is staying in the house.
I am angry with how they handled the delivery of the information… well I’m angry for they’re actions leading up to this, but at this moment the delivery is really pissing me off.
I’ve known they’ve been having problems. I’ve known my entire childhood. I’m the oldest so I remember the before, but that doesn’t erase a decade of my father isolating and being cynical, and it certainly doesn’t erase my moms temper. So for the last year it’s been… particularly bad. I was in college so I didn’t see every facet, but you certainly wouldn’t need a microscope to see the problems… and in the last year I began suspecting my mom was having an affair with a man who worked down the street her workplace. I had no proof or real substance, I just thought… maybe… better let sleeping dogs lie, pun intended.
In March my mom started poking her nose in what I knew. She asked me if she noticed any changes to my dad. At the time she was referencing his therapy that he was now going to. I said I did notice a small difference. And I don’t fully remember how the conversation led to this but at a certain point, she asked me about her. I said I had my suspicions of an affair. She didn’t confirm them then, but maybe a week later she told me and I was right.
She didn’t tell my sister till a month later, and even then my sister told her she didn’t want to know and I broke the news to her later. And now another month has passed and they finally told my brother that they’re separating but not about the affair!
It’s fuxking bullshit!! My sister and I told him that there’s more to the story but we want to give my mom a change to tell him herself, but this little information waiting game is horrible!!! Why’s he gotta wait?! He’s old enough to know why his life is suddenly changing!!! And I’m scared he’s going to resent me or my sister for not telling him. But it’s not my story to tell. At least for now. I told him I would tell him if they didn’t tell him in the next month. But both my mom and my dad are scared he’s going to hate my mom. He will be angry. I think it all came as a bit of a shock to him. I think they hid it better from him than from my sister and myself. My sister is 19 and my brother is 16. And I don’t know what to do. Do I tell him? Do I wait? What do I even say? When we told him last night that we would tell him later if mom never told him, he said he doesn’t feel comfortable with mom telling him, but he would feel most comfortable with us telling him. I think he has an idea, we were dropping some big ish hints, but I feel horrible!! I hate keeping this secret!!! It’s absolutely bull!!! What do I do?
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Points of view
I get that you're upset, but it's not all black and white. You're 22; you're an adult now, and you gotta realize life can get complicated, especially for parents. Just because they've botched the delivery and handling of all this info doesn't mean they're out to screw everything up, it's kinda human to mess up sometimes. They're scared and confused too, probably because they know telling him about the affair is gonna blow up.
Your brother's young, but families are tricky, ya know? You've got good intentions wanting him to know, but consider this, rushing to spill the beans could shake things up even more. Maybe letting them handle it, even if it's slow af, might help keep whatever family peace is left? Plus, dragging the resentment card is a heavy play, but everyone's got their own timeline to process stuff. I mean, sure, your folks didn't get a gold star for how they handled the news, but you're not obliged to be the family therapist, either. Just don’t rush into anything until you’re sure it’s the best move for everyone involved; life’s not a bloody soap opera. 😅
Totally feel you on this!! Sounds like a major mess, and you’re handling it way better than a lot of people would!! Communication is key in families, and it's frustrating when there's a lack of it. I mean, your brother’s 16, he can handle the truth, right?? Keeping him in the dark isn’t helping anyone.
I remember when my parents pulled a similar stunt, keeping secrets like that did more harm than good! It’s unfair for you to be stuck in the middle like this;;; It's your parents' job to share, but you're doing a great job holding it together. Just hang in there! Your instincts are spot on, and you’re doing what feels right for your sibling. Stay strong!!! 💪
Yo, I totally get where you're coming from!! It's honestly insane how parents sometimes drop bombs like this with zero finesse. It’s like, who taught them to handle family stuff??? You’re 100% right being ticked off.
Your bro’s 16, he ain't a kid anymore, and deserves to know the real deal; I was in a similar situation years back, and it blew up way worse when secrets got out later rather than sooner. Guess they don't realize how keeping secrets just cranks up the drama. 😅😅 How did they think this was gonna play out, keeping him in the dark??? You're handling it with a lot of grace, though!! Keep doing you and watching out for your siblings.
Sometimes it takes someone strong like you to keep the fam from totally going off the rails. You got this!!! 💪💪
I understand your frustration, but it may be a bit hasty to assume your parents' approach is fundamentally flawed. Family dynamics are inherently complex and challenging, and sometimes individuals navigate difficult situations without a clear road map. Although you are understandably upset with the pace and manner of information disclosure, it might be beneficial to consider that your parents may, indeed, be doing their best given their own emotional turmoil.
You mentioned you're worried your brother might resent you; however, patience might reveal that people often process significant life changes differently. Encouraging open and honest discussions within your family might ease the emotional burden, even if they're uncomfortable at first. After all, as you've said, "keeping this secret is absolutely bull," yet it's crucial to weigh the potential impact of disclosure carefully. Approaching this situation with empathy and understanding, despite your own valid frustration, might promote eventual resolution. I wish you clarity and strength as you navigate this difficult process.