this os gonna be rlly rambly and weird sorry gangalang
The story
i dont even know where to start. if i think too hard about everything i cry. i cant live in this world. i cant finish school or get a job. why do i have to pay for my existence? i think my dad was right. he is right. i say he isnt and my mom says he isnt but he was right and thats what makes me so sad. he was right for yelling at me. i should join somr school clubs ti put on my resume for college. i should work out. i am just lazy and spoiled. my mental health and anxiety and dysphoria and whatever the fuck isnt that bad. i think i may be pretending. i can function better than people who have it worse. save your time for someone else. my life isnt bad and people would kill for this. everyone says i am kind and sweet and just a golden child. i know i am the favorite. i am whiny. i am barely autistic. im not trying to be like “ugh🥺! im so unfixable and depressed and ugly and nothing is gonna get better” im not. im self aware on that. sure i cut myself sometkmes but i only do it when im really overwhelmed and about to snap. i think i am a realt disgusting individual. i feel like patrick bateman and kilgrave but not in that stupid sigma male stuff. yk. i fear it is all just a mask and i wonder what i am capable of. the atrocities i dont want to commit or do i? i dont want to grow up and becomr a pedophile or a serial killer. maybe its just instrustivir thoughts but i know better. i know yhe eevil runs deep in me and i pray to god and whatever gods. i still think santa is real. i know his spirit is. i go back to hell and evil and i cant stop. i want to be pure and i pretend so hard. i cant even cry. i have so much rage and hatred but also so much kindness. i wonder what is real. im tired. im anxious. i hate mu body. im going to kill myself if i have to live like this or look like this. my feet and ass and boobs and eyes are uneven. i cant stand how noticrable it is. so are my curves/sides and hips. bc of scolosis. i have so much acne and i have scars and stretchmarks. i dont think my body is built to be loved. i think love is a sham for me to get hope. i am deep down evil. i am so possessive and greedy and spoiled and nasty. i know this is true and i can hope for a fairytale but i will not get that. i dont rven know what to say. i can feel everrytjing in me. i hate human bodies im so scardd of getting old and having to think about the futurre.just let me live. but i cant. i am a snake eating its own tail forever
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Points of view
sounds like you’re feeling pretty tangled up.. but I gotta say, life ain’t always that bleak, you know? I used to feel all twisted about stuff too, especially when things piled up but things change with time! it's not always easy but keep hanging in there! you seem to care a lot, that’s clear and folks who care often underestimate themselves... for real, everyone has their ups and downs no need to beat yourself up! life has its moments but you got this!! take one step at a time :-)
Hello Zealous. I have a lot of your issues, even though you sound much older than me. I'm lazy, anxious, depressed, ugly, and insecure. I am the youngest sibling and usually everybody thinks I am the favorite and I have no huge issues. To be so real, the reason I have written this with perfect spelling and grammar is because I am a perfectionist. It takes me so long to do normal everyday tasks because I overthink things. It might come with me being slightly autistic. I am an Orthodox Christian and I believe God is upset with me. And don't even get me started on my body, there is so much I am insecure about. My boobs are really small, I have bruises everywhere, and my stomach is chubby. Plus, I have bad facial acne and body acne.
When it comes to you, I have some things to say. Firstly, you seem poetic; you could become an amazing writer when you grow up. Secondly, I don't think you are evil, since evil people are never self aware of their actions. Everyone has their intrusive thoughts. In fact, the media has made me such a dirty-minded person, that it is so hard to pretend to be pure. Thirdly, getting old is such a beautiful thing. Every wrinkle a person has is a reminder to the emotions they have had. You could meet some new people as you get older and learn new things.
To you, you are not rambly or weird. Your emotions are valid. Love you, girl.