I am an only child, now 38 years of age, NOT married but has a baby and in good terms with the father of my baby - he is still my boyfriend

All my life my hero was my dad. He’d give me all i ask for. I was spoiled. I was a brat. Though it was like that, I knew he has some negative traits but i ignored. I would question only in the back of my mind but i wouldnt say anything because i wasnt allowed to talk back to elders, it was like an ultimate crime for a child to talk back to parents (even if questioning or defending).

His negative traits are:

HE LOOKS DOWN ON THE LESS FORTUNATE - he thinks highly of himself.

1)When i was young, he told me to slap my female cousin whenever she doesnt follow my command. And i even did one time sadly. I apologozed for it but he never did. He bribed her with stationeries and other things but never said the word sorry.

2)he discriminates my uncle (mom’s brother, so his brother in law) because he is gay. Whenever he passes by, he would talk to someone with him (usually service drivers) and say “if he was my brother, that will not be allowed. I will beat him til he becomes a man” the person he would say that to, doesnt react at all, seen it many times. He was like that since i was young. It’s one of the things i questioned in my head “what’s wrong if he’s gay? He is the one who tutored me, your daughter. He is the one who will drop off and pick up your daughter, ME, from school”

3)he discriminates my cousin (again, mother side) because he has autism. He will say things like “he’s old but he isnt normal, everything about him is just wrong”

HE HURTS ANIMALS

1)there were several times when i was in mu early 20s that i planned to move out and take my cats and dogs with me, my aunt (mom side) will just fix things between me and my dad. He never did say sorry for hurting any of my pets before. He never made initiative to make peace, as mentioned, my aunt would fix things between us

2)my mom slipped. There was a time when we talked on the phone and she told me she gave away her chihuahua because he has become too aggressive. And then when i actually talked to her in person she said that the chihuahua died because my dad my hitting him constantly with a bamboo stick

HE IS A HYPOCRITE

1)he actually said my cousin was like a frustrated sexy star then when things got messy between my dad and i (more of this mess later on), my cousin admitted that he was molesting her before. So she asked her boyfriend to get pregnant because it was her ticket out and she did get out but she said my dad uses to send her messages like “you are more beautiful now that you have your own kids”

2)my boyfriend buys him his maintenance medicine so we barely have money left for us so sometimes we cant immediately buy extra things for our baby, like a pacifier. It’s cheap but it’s not a necessity and i will hear him say “what kind of parent isbthat?! Cant even buy this, or that”. My boyfriend even bought him food for his birthday and he never said thank you to him. And instead he even asked about my ex boyfriend, the ex that hurt me physically, Used and abused me everyday, and my dad knows that.

Those are just some samples to describe him.

Now the family drama…

I worked abroad for 8 years. Came home only once, in the 4th year. And i came back home again because i was pregnant. I didnt want to marry nor have kids. I had a horrible experience with my ex. He would use and abuse me daily, and he even got me pregnant but hotnit aborted. He shoved pills down my throat regularly. But i never bled. There was pain and that’s when our baby got aborted. The midwife said it was better because the baby wouldnt have been normal anymore from the pills. That is just a summary of why i dont want to marry and have a baby. I am scared. But i have changed my mind regarding pregnancy but not marriage and I have been trying to get pregnant for 3 years. I did in the second year but miscarried at 4th month. I set aside trying to get pregnant but i did again after 3 months from the miscarriage. So i went back home thinking things changed well it did but for the worse. I am in a long distance relationship and i live in hell.

During my pregnancy my dad cursed at my boyfriend when he wanted to look for another doctor for second opinion because it was all caesarean caesarean all the way. When i finally gave birth, my boyfriend paid for everything by the way and he is still the one supporting me and our baby and he is still the one buying my father’s meds and he is still the one giving additional financial support to MY family for food etc because im a full time stay at home mom, i dont have my own money.

Newborn. Well my newborn cried nonstop for the first 2/3 weeks. My father will go “sigh” “here we go again” and even one time he cursed at my baby he said “make THAT THING stop crying, because it is so annoying” i never said anything. So when i was left watching over my baby, who was crying, he went and called my mom i can hear him say “THAT will die soon” so when they opened the door i just yelled “dont even get involved because you know nothing of taking care of a baby” i know cos my mom told me, i was cared for mostly by grandma, uncles and aunts during the day. And night it was my other grandma and my mom. My dad even gave me expired milk so HELLO, he doesnt know how to take care of baby. Then we never talked. It was his way. I learned from him so i dont talk to him too. One time after my baby’s vaccinations, so she was all fussy and crying again, my dad cursed at me from the window - i ignored. He went in side the house and to the room where me and my baby was to curse at me again “aon of a bitch! Why dont you give milk?! You devil!” So i said in a flat tone cos i am pissed with what he said but trying to be patient “she doesnt want mlik” then He pointed at my face and said that i was being rude. So as he walked away, I stared at him thinking “what” then he started talking again “how dare you stare at me” “stop staring you bastard” never said anything but i kept staring cos i am confused he kept on cursing at me then came back to hit me in the shoulder when i was carrying my crying baby so i snapped. Really, i cant contain myself anymore. Hit me while carrying my baby? No no! So i just yelled back “yeah keep hitting me” “do it” he put his fist on my cheek and he put his 2 fingers on my eyes and i yelled “you think so high of yourself” then he cursed me and my boyfriend. My mom came and stopped the yelling but me and my dad never talked since then.

I can hear him sometimes talking about me and my boyfriend

“No more dreams and aspirations”

-i chose to be a stay at home mom, and that is bad in his eyes. I should be working.

“They should die. I dont care. They’re the devil”

So what i want to rant about is that everyday my father would have renovations at home. Hammer. Saw. Furnitures moving around. -my baby cant sleep at all. So when she wakes up and cries he’s gonna go look and say lots of things like the way i take care of my baby is wrong.

We’re gonna leave in about a month. My mom asked for one last thing and that is my boyfriend to come pick us up, i want to give her that. But i feel bad for my baby really. No sleep.

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