Tired of Always Messing Things Up
The story
Huuuge vent/dump of thoughts
So it's the 9 of August. Currently 5:30 am. I can't sleep. Yesterday, i was a bit stumped on what do all morning. Then by lunch she was mad at me. Which was fair cause i didn't do the dishes. And she was mad that I 'have fun cooking' and then don't do the dishes. Which she's right on, even though i barely cooked recently and the only dishes i used were the ones we used to eat. Also the times where i do wash them, somehow she just doesn't notice ig? Cause she still says i haven't done in months, like the day after. But idk maybe doesn't count. She's like that with a lot of other stuff, like sweeping the floor for example, which i have done like 6 or 7 times in last few weeks, specifically because She asked and said she wanted to mop the floors. And she still hasn't done though? She's only done it in a very small spot because It was necessary, but then got mad when i skipped a room last time. It's not a big deal but still weird. Anyway today She was mad about me. And usually i just kinda hide untill It passes and today i did the same, i Just kinda hid in the bathroom as long as possible untill i couldn't anymore cause i had to cook and even after that I was staring at my phone and just trying to get through lunch as fast as possible to go back in my room. And i wasn't really looking at her cause i didn't want her to get mad again. And then she was asking for sugar and water and basically she felt bad. Maybe low Sugar/low Blood pressure. She said It was probably bc she eat little sugar. Which yeah. That's why since SHE IS THE ONE CONCIOUSLY CHOOSING TO EAT LOW SUGAR AND TO EAT HALF ASSED MEALS ALL THE TIME cause:
1)She doesn't like cooking and usually puts no effort in It.
2) She's been self concious lately, more than usual, and has been obsessed with dieting and losing weight etc. She's always has been since i was a kid and pushed that stuff since i can remember. ( I was 5/6 when she'd make me watch TV shows about overweight people who were on the verge of dying, and She used to say i'd be like them one day and die young.) But lately It's her new obsession.
Which. All in all. Both points are Fair. Do what you want. Even though, clearly there's a flaw in your judment if you feel this bad. (For referece It's even the first time and i told her multiple times to eat more sugar, i've tried even packing her lunch when she went to work and i to school, but sometimes she "didn't see It". I honestly It woundn't have been as much of a problem for now that we're at home more often, but whatever. That aside. After she felt better she went on about how i didn't even notice and was just staring at my phone (which i was because I Just wanted to leave and feel safe in my bedroom.) and that I need to "wake up". Basically she thinks i'm dumb. Which, sure, she's not off the mark right there. And Just all of that has been on my head all day. And there's just this huge feeling of painfull dread like under my rib cage that i can't shake off. I didn't really do much after that. I made some drawing which i am quite happy with + made dinner. And i've just been really stuck on the fact that i simply can't do this quite right. I should've noticed. And just in general should be Better. Idk what's wrong with me that i can't just be "good". I've tried and i'm trying but i'm just so stupid and i mess It up. Or Maybe i Just can't change the fact that i'm bad and this point less cause i'll always be a bad person. Sometimes i think i'm improving. And i think i am doing good and Better. But i'm not. I'm really not. And It just kinda feels like all my attempts at being better are fake, like three half decent ideas in thrench coat trying to make me pass as a good person when i'm not. And they're doing a terrible job by the way. I'm doing a terrible job. I should be better. Today i should've noticed. I should be preparing for September. Idk studying things I was behind on last year. Learning how to wake up sooner. Or Better yet, not let my grades slip for the past two years. Or not messing up every time i've been trying to be better for the past five years. Any would've been good. Honestly, i'm Just so tired of being bad. Sometimes i wish i wasn't here, so her life could be better and easier and i wouldn't hurt her. Other times i wish i was alone. Like really really alone, Not Just feeling alone. So at least i could be horrible alone and not hurt others and do things badly at my pace.
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Points of view
Man, that sounds rough. It's so easy to get down on yourself when you feel like you're messing up all the time. I've been there too, thinking I'm just doing everything wrong. It's like no matter how hard you try, it's never enough; frustrating as hell. But hey, you're aware and that's a step in the right direction. Just take it one day at a time. You might find that the more you keep at it, the better it'll get 🙂.
seems like you're being a bit hard on yourself here. everyone misses things sometimes, and it's not the end of the world. communication is key, so maybe try having an open chat about how you both feel. you're not a bad person for making mistakes; they're just part of life. try not to dwell too much on the past and focus on what you can do going forward. keep your head up; you'll get there 😊.
kinda sounds like you might be overthinking this. everybody forgets stuff or makes mistakes, that's just being human, doesn't mean you're bad or anything. you mentioned, "I should be better," but it's super important to cut yourself some slack here, nobody's perfect; maybe try focusing on a little progress each day instead of beating yourself up. things will fall into place eventually. just take it easy. 😊.
it seems like you're dealing with a lot of pressure right now, and honestly, it sounds exhausting. while it's true that being perfect isn't possible, trying to juggle everything without any recognition can feel demoralizing. i get what you're saying about, "I just can't be good," and trust me, it's way too easy to fall into that mindset. i've been there before, constantly thinking about what i could've done better, only to end up in a cycle of self-blame. maybe it's time to set boundaries and have an honest conversation about your circumstances. no one should have to feel constantly scrutinized or inadequate. hang in there, and don't be afraid to stand up for yourself when needed. 😕
man, i totally get where you're coming from. it's rough when you feel like everything you do isn't good enough. that part where you said, "i simply can't do this quite right," hits hard. i've been there, feeling like i'm always messing up no matter how hard i try. it's like you're stuck in a loop where nothing changes. sometimes the pressure just gets too much 😓. i've found that taking a step back to breathe can help even if it doesn't fix everything. you're definitely not alone in this. keep pushing through, even when it feels pointless.