whatever, I cant be your doll

My mom is really so upsetting at times. Just a little while ago I realized she had been manipulating me

As in, I have my struggles with my gender identity, wounding myself and she also hates that I consume anime, games etc and whenever I feel sad she blames it on all those things. She made me throw so many sketchbooks because she said they weren’t healthy, but they were mine and she took those away and i can’t see myself forgiving her. She blamed me for my biological mother having and auto immune disease, she basically said i was at fault because I harmed myself and she’s onto me these days which is making me consider doing something mean to myself. Whenever I “mess up” (as in, talk to someone she forbid me, watched something she forbid me, or played a game she forbid me) she always starts like: “I’ve been sick these days, knowing you were doing this and this and that again. Don’t you know it’s harmful?! I forbid it!!!” and then she goes on and on placing the blame on me. She starts hard on me just to get my walls down and then she goes inserting her little thoughts in me. Manipulator! And alright! I finally got my phone back after, guess how many years? 3 years! And I had the strictest internet curfew because she can’t stand not being able to know literally everything i’m doing! And now, i’m sure in a few days she’ll come to me and say: “i’ve been getting odd vibes about your phone, let me look through it” I literally can see it, so predictable. And the worst is: if she gets it again, I’ll be grounded, which is pretty pathetic for a 17 years old but hey, that’s my life, that’s how I live! Because whenever she makes me sob blaming me, she leaves me alone, crying and wounded all by myself and yet she still insists she really cares, while in fact she’s just projecting onto me! It will never get better unless I leave here. I love her so much, she’s literally the best in every other thing but emotionally being there. Sorry if it’s too long…

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