I haven't lived this entire time being alive

My life has been pretty miserable. I believe in fighting until you can't fight anymore so I don't plan on stopping anytime soon, although I really wish I could. I've been dealing with depression since I was 11. My family dynamics are pretty much my dad controls everything and everyone, my mom enforces his will, and we obey or get shunned. I'm isolated, so the only way to escape is to run away and I promised myself I wouldn't do that until I can take my younger siblings with me. No transportation, no outside family, no friends no connections. I was taught from a young age that everyone is evil, and that they can benefit me nothing. I don't believe that, but it has made it very hard to trust people and be honest. Being isolated from the outside world+your family being the most influential people in your life creates a very "interesting" environment to put it nicely. Its like a tide. Everyone adopts the same way of thinking as my parents have, and if you make a mistake, its very easy for it to feel like you are the worst person to ever exist. They don't believe in mental illness, and anything that cant be physically proven is pretty much scoffed at or joked about. If you are struggling from a eating disorder, you have too much food, if you struggle with mental health, you are weak, if you cant sleep and are hearing voices, you need to find god, If you want to get help, everyone is going to treat you like a freak...its going to ruin any chances of you having a good life. Because of this, I've stopped telling my siblings about alot of things (talking to my dad and mom is pointless). I've been looking online for remote jobs, but so far no luck. My mental health is getting worse. I've tried everything that doesn't require therapy or professional help (since I can't pay for it at this time) but it only transforms whatever is eating at me, and making it less obvious to detect. I go for weeks thinking I'm helping myself but I'm just hurting myself even more. I'm isolating from everyone, including my family. I had online "friends" if you can call them that but I cut ties with them because I can't maintain relationships anymore. I have no energy for anything or anyone. I wake up everyday and do something, even if its clean, although all I want to do is rot in one place. I want to be an actress, so thats been keeping me busy. I get these spurts of motivated though, and it feels so amazing. Its like everything is bright and my life is so perfect and I'm going to change the world If i were given the right opportunity to show the world my ideas. When I'm experiencing this its like the world has a filter. Everything is so bright, everyone looks amazing, It feels like I'm high. Then after 3 days it all ends and I feel like shit for the rest of the month lol then repeat. Its draining. I feel like every idea I have t are lies. I don't know how someone like me will ever get anywhere in life. As if fighting tooth and nail to study without education or the right resources wasn't enough, now I have the weight of low moods + other mental hiccups that make every step I take feel like I am dragging the world behind me. All of my life has been in poverty. And not to bash on my parents too bad but it couldve been prevented. But they are actually taking steps to make sure I cannot be independent, and if I want to be, its the hardest option to get there. They are sabotaging, but I cant do anything about it unless I run away, and if I run away I will have nothing. I know that life isn't rainbows, but fuck I'm trying to be the best person I can be with what I got but im losing myself. The person I used to be, in this quest of "fighting" and not giving up is killing the person I used to be. I don't recognize myself. I don't share my life story because I fear others will hear and just chalk it up to being "lazy". I feel as if my life was stolen from me, and now I'm trying to get it back, but I dont know if there is hope for me.

Does it sound like I'm blaming others for my bad luck, or does it actually sound like I'm trying everything I can do get out of this?

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