A friend in need

i have a friend, well, i guess you could say he used to be a friend, but he's been tangled up in this whirlwind of drug and alcohol issues for years now, and it’s just so hard to watch. he’s 36, but honestly, it feels like he’s aging in dog years, you know? every time we meet, i see this shell of the guy who used to joke around and have these wild ideas about starting a band or traveling the world, but now he just shows up looking disheveled, like life is just pulling him down deeper and deeper. i remember last summer when we had coffee, he told me, “man, i’m trying to get clean,” but here we are, almost a year later, and he’s still in the same spot, bouncing between rehab facilities and temporary solutions that don’t really address the underlying problems. My neighbors probably think i’m his babysitter! there’s been several times i’ve tried to stage an intervention, but he just brushes it off, saying stuff like, “i’ve got this!” or “don’t worry, i’ll be fine!” but the look in his eyes screams otherwise. it’s like watching someone play with fire and pretending they’re not going to get burned. i know people say, “you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves,” but then what am i supposed to do? just stand back and watch? it feels so helpless when you see someone you care about slip away and you know the darkness is stronger than their willpower. sometimes, i wonder if i’m enabling him without even realizing it.

do you guys think that could be the case? i mean, when i look back, i’ve offered a place to crash, bought groceries when he was broke, even covered his bills here and there. should i just cut him off completely? it’s a tough call! one minute, i think, “okay, i’m really helping him,” and the next, i’m going, “no, this is not healthy!” i read somewhere that addiction is a disease, and while it’s hard to not take it personally, especially when he makes promises he can’t keep and then spirals back down, and i’m stuck over here being the ‘responsible one’ with my own life going just fine, then without my permission he drags me into his chaotic mess. i often find myself feeling resentful for the energy i’ve poured into this friendship, and then i feel guilty because i know he’s struggling. it’s like being caught in a paradox: wanting to help but also needing to protect my peace of mind! has anyone else dealt with this kind of friendship? it’s exhausting! some days i wish i could just mute the chaos, you know? then again, seeing him on good days gives me this flicker of hope that maybe, just maybe, he’ll find a way out of this spiral. but those days are few and far between, often overshadowed by despair and anger.

every time i see him pick up a drink or light a joint, i just want to scream! like, can’t he see where this leads? it’s frustrating to see someone throw away their potential for a high that never lasts! i don’t want to be the one who walks away when things get tough, but how long can you support someone who continues to hit ‘restart’ on their life? does loyalty have a statute of limitations? one of my buddies said, “love them from a distance,” which kind of stuck with me because it feels like the right balance – keep your distance but don’t stop caring. but it’s so difficult! that wavering line between support and detachment is a tricky one to walk. every time i hear his phone ring, my stomach drops, wondering if it’s news of an overdose or something equally heartbreaking. and who am i to judge? it feels so unethical to condemn someone for their struggles, yet living in this state of constant worry is exhausting. do you think i’m overreacting? because honestly, at this point, it’s starting to feel like his addiction is my addiction. anyway, he was supposed to come over last weekend, but he canceled last minute, as usual, claiming he was “too busy.” but deep down, i know it’s just another excuse. how much longer can i sit on the sidelines before he pulls me under, too? maybe i'm just thinking too much about it? but, am i really?

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