four friends of mine are in a polyamorous relationship. I have a girlfriend, and was invited to join the poly group, but declined since I am lesbian and three of them are guys.

Kayla said I would never be put on the outside because of her and someone else.

I thought Benjamin was my best friend.

Me and Alin haven't been close for a while, but we're still nice to eachother.

I haven't known AJ for long, but we did vibe.

Until all this happened.

We have a group chat, a Google doc, with me, AJ, Kayla, Alin, Benjamin, and my girlfriend, Cami. Cami isn't able to be on much since we use it in the middle of school.

When she isn't online, I'm lonely. the four "poly group" (as me and Cami call them) are concerned only with themselves and eachother, akeing flirty comments, talking about what matching outfits they should wear, even doing matching profile pictures.

And I'm left on the outside. The exact way Kayla said I wouldn't be.

AND THEY DONT EVEN NOTICE. THEY DONT EVEN CARE, DO THEY? I'M BECOMING THE FIFTH WHEEL AND YOU KNOW WHAT? SHE TOLD ME SHE WOULD MAKE SURE IT WOULDN'T HAPPEN. SHE LIED. AND THE FOUR OF THEM CARE ONLY FOR THEMSELVES. THE FOUR OF THEM ONLY HAVE ATTENTION FOR EACH OTHER. THERE'S NOT ENOUGH ATTENTION IN THEM FOR ME. BECAUSE I, WITH EVERYTHING I'VE DONE FOR THEM, AM NOT ENOUGH. I WAS NEVER ENOUGH, WAS I? NO. AND THEY DONT EVEN KNOW THE SHIT I DEAL WITH. THEY DONT EVEN KNOW HOW, EVERY DAY, I FEEL LIKE IM NOT ENOUGH FOR CAMI. I HAVE TO DEAL WITH FEELING LIKE CAMI SHOULD LEAVE ME FOR THE POLY GROUP.

because I deserve to be alone, right? because I'm just overreacting. they're my friends, I shouldn't get mad at them... they deserve so much better than me and... I just feel like I deserve nothing...

God my head is fucked up.

i'm so sorry.

I shouldn't complain.

I'm not allowed to.

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