I have two friends in this story, I'll call them X and A I guess.

yesterday, X seemed to be mad at us and ignoring us (like, getting really ticked off if we even looked at something behind them). We both thought it was just because they were tired and whatnot, because they have openly said it's usually how they act when they are. But it just seemed like they straight up hated us from a lot of the (kind of petty tbh) things they did (block us from the story we were all making, stuff like that) and it kind of scared me.

both me and A are autistic (I'm more hyper aware while A has a lot more trouble with social cues than I) so sometimes we miss it when we do things that hurt our friendships and other kinds of relationships. We have to ask people what we've done wrong in order for us to find it and fix it, but a lot of times people like X take it the wrong way and think that we think we did nothing wrong when in reality we want to take acountability, but just have no clue what we've done and need help finding it. However, with X we can't do so when they're trying to be distant from us because it triggers them to say something sarcastic or even rude (we have talked to X about this before, I'm not sure if they were really listening or not in the moment though)

Yesterday, while they were doing all that I unnintentionally went nonverbal whenever I was alone with them because I was honestly very scared. I have no clue how to comfort or help people, and when X is like this I never know what to say because even asking if they're okay or how their day was just ends in them saying sarcastic things and ignoring me. At some point they began talking to me again, and at some point they mentioned how I talk too much and how it's annoying. In that moment I kind of wanted to just break down because for the past few months I had been going nonverbal and not talking a ton a lot more (due to a lot of people talking about something related to my trauma without really knowing) so it felt really hurtful. And even before then I only said things I thought they found funny or enjoyed.

This morning, I woke up to messages in the groupchat with A and X. A was infodumping about one of his biggest hyperfixations and seemed really exited. Then, X texted "this is why I hang out with (person) more lately, this is all you talk about". And while I understand how it can get boring to hear the same thing constantly, it just didn't really feel right. I guess A didn't pick up on what the message really meant and started joking around and messaging random pictures (both me and him cope with jokes, I'm just not sure if A picked up and started joking around to cope or just overall didn't pick up).

I'm not really sure how to feel. X is my childhood friend and they mean a lot to me. I worry every night that something bad might happen to them (as everyone in my friendgroup is very mentally unwell) and cry myself to sleep thinking of a world without them or any of my other friends. As much as I think I might be overeacting, I'm not at all jealous of the other friend that X wants to hang out with. it's more of I can't stand X being mad at me and not knowing why. I want to be able to fix it but I'm really really scared to ask due to how X has reacted many times in the past (stuff like this has happened a lot, for most it was over really small things like me missplacing something, but I still understand these reactions) and I'm really scared something might happen to them or A. I've almost relapsed because of how stressful it all is after being almost two months clean, and I haven't seen my therapist yet and won't be able to talk to them for another four days.

At this point though, I'm questioning if this friendship is good for either of us. If I'm doing tis type of stuff without knowing and they don't want to tell me/A then I don't think that they should stay friends with the both of us as it may be hurtful for them. I really wish them all the best though, and I wish they would tell me what I've been doing wrong. I could have missed a lot of stuff from that day though because the previous night was really horrible and I hardly got sleep. I really hope that they tell me because I want to talk to them again like we did before. I'm really concerned for them but have no idea how to help them because (A) I'm not a proffessional and could make things worse and (B) anytime I try to they ignore me and get sarcastic. I really want to help them, I just don't know how because they're going through a lot and have a lot of undiagnosed dissorders that affect a lot of their life because they're untreated.

I also have a hard time explaining to A what most of X's comments and such mean. For example, A will be randomly talking about something they like and X will hit them with the "Nobody cares". A will completely belive they're joking (because thats what their relationship has been up until a few months ago I guess) and X gets really annoyed.

Another thing that X does when they're mad at us is misgender us. They'll still be okay with working with us and such, and seemingly be OK with us, but then they do this. I don't think that even they understand, but this really hurts. Both me and A are transgender, and for me personally because of how long I've know X, they were the first person I told. I trusted them a ton with the information and belived that they would be Ok with me being transgender. Over time though, I've regretted telling them. They still have my deadname saved for all of their contacts, and will openly see me as who I used to be while everyone else (even the people I've known since preschool) sees me for who I currently am. X also does the same for A, which is really annoying considering that they were outed and unnaccepted about a month prior. Exept for A, X will outright use his deadname during conversations plus the incorrect pronouns whereas it only took them about a week to get it right for me, and they've known me a lot longer (three years). both me and A are very dysphoric and are very open about it to X.

At this point, i have no clue how to approach or help X anymore because as much as they talk about me and A not caring, when we try to help them and ask how they're doing all we get is comments like "I'm fine, what do you think." and when we try to use a different approach to help we get similar comments. I've been trying to give them room to be themselves, but they keep shutting down thoughts and ideas that aren't their own. they also make fun of us, but whenever we try to match their seemingly 'playful' jokes they ignore us for the rest of the hour.

Both me and A also have a hard time socializing "normaly" which is also what X is more used to. X also became a lot more different when they started spending hours watching shorts, and from what they've sent me in the past they're on the 'offensive memes' side. I know whats over there and I know it's only a matter of time before they become sexist and such (they already are in a way, they'll block girls specifically just because they're 'ugly'). I honestly can't tell the difference between wether something they say is actually offensive or a 'normal' joke.

Also, both me and A are open about things that would be important to the freindship like how bad we are at social cues (specifically A) and triggers and whatnot (so is X).

No clue how I wrote that much, and I'm pretty convinced I'm overreacting. Just needed to get that out I guess, thanks for reading that all if you did (I don't blame you if you didn't thats like eight paragraphs, not even I would read it all tbh).

How would you have reacted?

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