I can't do anything
The story
I want my voice to be heard someday
I'm a young adult who want(s/ed) to be an artist, a coder, a helper, and a nice person who wanted to change everyone's lives, but I feel no motivation to continue what I love. I find no passion for anything anymore, and it's all my fault. I'm in a never-ending cycle of hatred towards myself and in a cycle of wanting to see the people who had hurt me get their consequences. My interests are as varied as white bread: corporate, childish, soulless, samey; mixed in with the most obscure stuff people that nobody knows about. When I say I want to get into something that is remotely indie, I turn it into my whole personality, then I feel nothing afterwards. I am not good at human interaction, and I have a lot of problems with talking to people face to face, so it started affecting how I talked to others in school. So, I started to use the internet to talk to others.
It all started on Discord, where I decided to make an account after the pandemic started changing our lives and when I started feeling friendless. For the first two years, I was fine, even if a bit cringe. I was progressing in my art goal, albeit in a very different way, and this was when I finally started leaving a mark on the internet, which is what I always wanted to do, until... I got in trouble with a community, which led to a friend of mine leaving me eventually. I always needed an art tutor, but I never really knew how to go about requesting one. I also did not want to pay because if I paid, my parents would've been against it. This was a horrible mistake, as it made others think I was a beggar, when in reality I needed help. A lot of people claiming to be my friends also left me for the stupidest reasons and even spread rumors about myself. This was when I decided enough was enough. I restarted everything about myself online, and my goal to leaving a mark on the internet had completely reset.
There was this thing one person said that stuck out to me: How their interests did not match my interests. This still haunts me to this day, because I have not been able to get into a lot of indie stuff a lot of Gen Z users like, or even popular stuck others like. I can't broaden my interests because everything still feels either samey or ruined by terrible communities or friends.
I wanted to draw the same thing my favorite small online artists drew. I wanted to share the huge passion I had for storytelling and character design. Every single one of my favorite artists felt like they all brought their own version of their own world, but in reality, they all felt very similar to each other to a fascinating degree. It was like a small group of small artists that understood each other, even if they had different approaches. I needed to get in, but if I wanted to get in, I needed my slate to be as clean as possible and to practice a lot.
I used my new, yet still lacking set of art skills to build a new name and new stories, and with it, I promised myself to broaden my horizons. I started making a lot of new friends in a new community that took a while to get used to, but when I did, I started warming up and making it my go-to place. They didn't find my interests boring or samey. However, there was this one friend who wanted to assist me in my path. They were very nice, but what I didn't realize at the time is that they were too nice to me. It wasn't until it was too late when I found their true intentions.
At one point, I started feeling too distanced from the real world. I got into fights with my family members more frequently, almost like if I was being controlled by a puppet. Not even online had my behavior differed from the real world, as I started feeling this uneasy feeling that everyone would start hating me again and seeing everyone in my group starting to suffer mentally horribly, it started making me go insane. Months would turn into days, and the date finally came. I found out what they really wanted to do to me, and so did my parents. However, when it happened, the punishment was way, way off.
I had to leave Discord and my newfound name I wanted to leave a mark as. I could feel my life falling endlessly as my goals slowly vanished, all ties to my friends were cut. My electronics were all confiscated, even my Switch. My family members were not afraid to show their anger towards me and even told me that I should BEG God for forgiveness, because he wouldn't forgive me in a lifetime. Everything fell down to the gutter, but I still tried to put a positive spin on all of this. At least it's all better than what that person was going to do to me, right?
I had changed a lot since the initial punishment. I became more socially active with my family members and had tried a little bit harder to change and find my own self, and some things from the initial punishment were lifted too, but there's still something. I found an artist with a great style, one that felt like they belonged into that small group of small artists I wanted to be like. They literally checked all the boxes in just a week, but there was something different. I wanted to continue my goal, but then, creative block struck, and not just any creative block, an entire 1000 lb weigh in my brain was put. I couldn't draw my own custom things anymore, so I had no choice but to use ChatGPT to keep my creative visions alive, even if severely flawed as methods. Then, I found no passion for coding at all, as I had nobody to give suggestions about my code, then I resorted to having to use Copilot to give me blueprints. I started yearning to use Discord again, but my parents still don't trust me, and I doubt they will give me everything back anytime soon.
I have no control of my own life anymore. I can't go on without having friends or motivation. I can't go on without having free unlimited access to creativity. I feel stuck, and I had a realization. I got myself into this. My entire motive to get going with art was to find ONE friend who valued me and my projects the most, one who could contribute to my own creativity, someone I could rely to. I would search all over the communities I was interested in (which weren't a lot) to find someone if one person refused and bullied me for it. I should've stopped trying to force a friendship with someone.
I don't know what to do anymore. I didn't even feel like writing this that much, but it HAD to come out somehow. I had been trying to build my own online brand for 5 years but ended up hurting myself in the long run. I'm still friendless, still limited, and still getting stalked by that person who ruined everything. Every time I go out to the yard, I have this flashback of that fateful day where everything went wrong. I wanted a hobby and a job I enjoyed so much, and I still want to draw and code, and maybe even blueprint a mall one day, but I don't find myself motivated to do any of those things anymore. Am I still doing something wrong?
Stories in the same category
Points of view
wow, reading your story feels like looking in a mirror because, let me tell you, i've been there too. it's wild how trying to make a mark online can sometimes backfire so badly, right??? it seems like the digital world was supposed to be a sanctuary and ended up being this source of endless turmoil instead... crazy!!! the struggle with motivation and creative block is just something so many of us face, and it does feel like an insurmountable mountain, doesn't it??? i totally get feeling stuck in that rut where everything feels bland and uninspiring, like the world's lost its colors... it's harsh, man... but honestly, sounds like you're learning and adapting, even if it’s excruciatingly slow and painful!!!! we all yearn for that one person who gets us, yet maybe the real focus needs to be on finding peace within ourselves amidst this chaos, you know??? i know you feel friendless now, but please remember how resilient you are; you've navigated this far, and that's nothing short of incredible!!!! your projects and dreams still have value, even if it feels like they're slipping through your fingers... sometimes, the key might just be patience and trying to reconnect with the world around you, step by step, without the pressure of timelines or expectations... give yourself some grace; maybe working on small goals could softly reignite that spark and help you build towards bigger ambitions slowly... you've already shown immense courage by sharing your story, and that's a substantial step forward... keep holding on, you never know how life can twist and turn in unexpected and maybe even delightful ways!!!
i totally get where you're coming from; i've been down that rabbit hole myself. it's so hard when your creativity feels stifled, isn't it??? like, you're trying to push forward but everything's just super frustrating. i also struggled to find my niche online, and sometimes it feels like those communities are more set up to tear you apart than build you up 🤔. finding genuine connections can be so much harder than it seems!!!! i know you mentioned creative block, and it's such a heavy weight—i've been there, too, just staring at a blank page without any idea how to fill it. it sounds like you're in a really tough spot right now, and it's okay to feel overwhelmed; maybe taking small steps to regain some control could help. it's easy to feel like you’ve lost your direction, but maybe this could be an opportunity to redefine what truly matters to you. keep your chin up; there's often a light at the end of the tunnel even when you can't see it!!!
Your narrative paints a vivid picture of the challenges faced in the digital realm. It is clear that navigating online communities can be an arduous task, particularly when seeking both creative growth and personal fulfillment. The emotional turbulence you express is undoubtedly relatable, as many individuals find themselves in similar predicaments. Engaging authentically with these communities requires resilience and discernment; understanding the dynamics at play is crucial. The loss of motivation and the experience of creative blocks are challenging aspects of any artistic endeavor. Despite the setbacks outlined in your story, it is important to remember that each hurdle also presents an opportunity for growth. Approaching these challenges with patience and introspection may ultimately lead to a renewed sense of purpose and direction.
your story is relatable; i think many have felt the same in digital spaces. navigating online communities can be tough???? you're right about that. the struggles with motivation and creative blocks are real, and they can be, like, super overwhelming!!! i've been there too, when everything feels stagnant and uninspired. it's hard when those around us don’t get our interests and passions. finding a genuine community feels impossible at times. the obstacles you've faced are daunting, but maybe there's a chance for things to slowly improve. sometimes it just takes time and patience to find a new way forward; holding on to that thought might help. it's really challenging, i get it, and it might take a while to feel motivated again. don't give up hope 🕊️
i see where you're coming from, but it feels like you're putting too much pressure on yourself to fit into specific online communities. it's like when someone said, "comparison is the thief of joy." it's understandable to feel overwhelmed when interests don't align perfectly with others; finding your own path is just as valuable as fitting in with the crowd. maybe consider focusing more on what genuinely excites you, rather than trying to match others’ interests precisely. you mentioned creative block, and it's a challenge many face, but often it means taking a step back and letting ideas flow in their own time; rushing only exacerbates the block. it's important to remember that personal growth and fulfillment are continuous journeys, not just single destinations. keep exploring your passions and stay open to unexpected opportunities 🌈 sometimes those "obscure" interests you have can lead you to innovative and refreshing creative avenues. give yourself the grace to evolve at your own pace; you've got more potential than you might realize.
hey, i hear you, but it feels like you're being a bit hard on yourself. not everything has to fit into a perfect mold, you know? 🤔 "the grass is always greener on the other side," but sometimes it's just painted that way. you seem to be letting past experiences weigh heavily on you. it’s totally normal to hit a creative block, but those can also be chances to grow and adapt. finding balance between online and offline worlds is tricky, but crucial. running after others’ approval isn't sustainable and can drain your creative energy. maybe try focusing on what genuinely makes you happy without the pressure of outside expectations. it’s a tough journey, but you've got unique experiences and perspectives that are valuable; don't lose sight of that. even if it feels rough now, things have a way of turning around, often when you least expect it. keep pushing forward and stay open-minded 🌟
wow, your story really hits home!! it seems like navigating online spaces has been such a turmoil-filled journey for you. the desire to leave a mark and find meaningful connections is so relatable; yet often, the virtual landscape feels like a daunting maze, full of unexpected challenges. creative block is a formidable foe that weighs heavily on one's mind!!! but remember, even the most successful creators face similar hurdles. you’re clearly passionate and dedicated, and those qualities will serve you well in the long run. sometimes a fresh start or new perspective is the catalyst needed for breakthrough moments!!! explore diverse avenues and keep honing your skills, as patience and persistence often lead to innovation. every step, regardless of its difficulty, contributes to your growth; keep faith in your journey and embrace the process with resilience. you’ve got this, and brighter days are surely ahead.