i hate my friends so much, I just feel like a coward
The story
Okay so basically, I live in the same estate as this girl who goes to my school and she's 1 year older than me, lets call her Y. we only became friends recently and we've also started carpooling to school. I also have this other friend, E who also lives in the estate, Y, E, and me are a trio. there's also 3 other people in our friend group, but they dont go outside as much so it's mostly just my trio.
Theres this thing in our estate that is kind of a shelter for the rain, and somehow E figured out how to climb up on it. eventually, everyone except me knew how to climb up on it. this thing was pretty tall, and im super scared of heights, so I never went up on it. I would always feel super left out when they climbed up on it, and they would never acknowledge me when they were up together.
sometime I got the guts to climb up onto it and I succeeded, only thing was I didnt know how to get down, but I figured that out too after a bit of help. unfortunately, I started forgetting how to climb down, so I never went up on it again after they had to get my dad to get me down.
one day, it's a hot summer day on a Sunday and were all hanging out, then they all go up onto the thing and tell me that if I can tag them, they'll give me €40, I obviously didn't like this game very much since it made me feel like they were making fun of me for not being able to get up. so then I felt that I was going to cry, so I went over to E's bike and started going around the estate on it so they wouldn't see me. (E gave me permission to use it btw) after I got back they started whispering, saying that I look kind of sad, and I hate looking sad infront of my friends bc it makes me feel pathetic, so I told them that I was fine. at that point I was on the verge of tears, so I went another lap on the bike. once I got back, I had finally calmed down and I saw that E and Y had gotten off of the thing, and when was about to go over to them, they ran away from me. so then everything came back all at once so I did another lap around the estate and went to the estate playground and left my friends bike there, bc I saw my friends. so then I went into another estate, and they followed me. I ran away from them bc I knew I would cry if I went up to them. soon enough, they went back to the estate. after a few mins of hiding I did the same, and I saw them going into the other estate (to search for me i guess) they didn't see me though.
Then i saw E's mom walking over to me asking where E went, and I pointed to the other estate. When E and Y came back with E's mom they went straight back to their houses.
when i went home I texted Y on discord and I told her that i was sorry for overreacting. I didn't expect much from her, but I expected a little sorry. she said "ya we got into trouble cuz we were worried abt you". we did make up the next day, but i thought of that message for so long.
fast forward to Tuesday, we're playing a game on the fake grass, where we have to take off everyone's socks. Y and E hit my boob while taking off my socks. I felt myself start crying, but then I realised how pathetic I looked, so I replaced the pain with anger and hit Y in the boob. while I was trying to hit Emma in the boob she fell on her back, that was when I should've stopped, but I didn't. I hit her in the boob. she was crying, and she went back inside, I didn't get a chance to say sorry to her.
I wish that I would've done something different in that situation, I wish that I would've just finally opened up for once. the next day was my last day until I was going on holidays. Y said sorry to me at school, and I asked her if she could say sorry to E for me since they had tennis together, she told me to do it myself, I couldn't bring myself to knock on her door, not after what I did. Now I'm gone on holidays for the next 2 months, and I won't be able to talk to Y at school, bc she has transition year. the only text that Y has sent me was "hope you have a fun time in hungary!" and that was 6 days ago. I don't know what to text her. shes also gone on holidays so she can't tell E that im sorry.
I just feel like such a coward and a bad friend.
(pls tell me what to text Y in the comments)
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Points of view
you know, it’s tough when you feel like you're not fitting in with your friends and end up in these awkward situations; honestly, the whole climbing thing sounds like a setup to stress you out more than anything.
man, i feel you. stuff like this can really get to you and make everything kinda awkward. reminds me of a time when my friends all decided to have skateboard sessions. i could never really get the hang of it and ended up spraining my wrist trying to keep up with them just once. they were nice about it but kept going without me most days. sometimes i think relationships dip into weird territories where expectations aren't clear and everyone feels a certain pressure. maybe when things settle down after the holidays, have a chat with Y in person. it's more personal than texting anyway, ya know? probably best not to overthink it now while you're away... enjoy your holiday instead!
maybe it's time to question whether this friendship is worth all the stress. friends shouldn't make you feel like an outsider, and the way they treated you seems unfair. reminds me of when i had a group that would always have inside jokes i wasn't part of. it sucks trying to keep up with things that just don't click for you. perhaps use this holiday as a break away from the drama, give yourself some space to reevaluate what kind of friendships you truly value.
dang, that's such a rough situation. i've totally been there with feeling left out and like you're gonna burst into tears any second. honestly, those games sound kinda mean-spirited... why do friends play games that make us uncomfortable? 🤦♂️ it's hard to know what to say, but maybe just be real with Y and tell her how you've been feeling. i know it's tough opening up sometimes, feels like you're ripping off a band-aid or something. sending a sincere message can go a long way though, you know? something like "hey, i've been thinking about everything that happened and i really want to move past it. sorry for my part in all this." hope things settle down once you’re back from holiday!
Wow, that's a really tough situation 😕. It sounds like you're feeling the weight of not fitting in and maybe even some pressure to do things that aren't comfortable for you. I think it's perfectly okay to take a step back from those situations if they make you feel bad; sometimes friends can be insensitive without realizing it, especially when we're all just trying to have fun or fit in.
When you get back from your holiday, maybe try reaching out with a straightforward message to Y. Something simple like "Hey, I've been thinking about what happened and I want to chat when we're both free" could open up the conversation. It's easy for things to get misinterpreted over text, so keeping it light and more personal might help reconnect better later on;
sounds like you've got a lot going on with this friend group, and it's understandable how these situations can get under your skin. i remember when i was caught in the middle of something similar, feeling all left out while my friends bonded over things i couldn't relate to. one thing that helped me was just taking a step back and figuring out which friendships were truly worth the effort; maybe right now is a good time for you to focus on yourself and see what feels right once you're back from your holiday. as for texting Y, maybe just keep it simple: "hey, i've been thinking about everything and i'm sorry about how things went down. hope we can chat when we're both back.".