I’m trying not to be toxic but
The story
I’m a pretty self aware person. I’ve done a lot of healing over the past few years and I’m pretty good at identifying my behaviors and all the stuff.
I still struggle to understand what are normal social things and just things you have to get over. And one of the things is the fact my boyfriend and my best friend discuss me.
My best friend told me at the beginning that when they conversate, I have permission at any point to ask and view their messages. And honestly I have no worries of any affairs or cheating.
However me and my friend got heated because she was continuing to push me on something when i repeatedly told her to stop. Long story short, there were tears and i eventually told my bf what happened.
He confronted my friend and askedwhy she was upsetting me and to cut it out, which i did really appreciate, because clearly she wasn’t listening to me when I told her to stop. And they talked about it and all, and he defended me throughout, which is really awesome, especially since I didn’t know about this, and I appreciate that I have someone who has my back even when I’m not there.
But when my friend was showing me, or at least, reading them, I asked her if I could just read it myself. And she said that it felt like a breach of privacy and joked that they talked shit about me and talk about me, which made me uncomfortable. And the fact that it’s a breach of privacy when it’s me who’s being discussed, makes me uncomfortable of what they could be talking about, because these things could be discussed with me.
I know they discussed how frustrated they were about my housing situation, and how I was being dumb about it. It just makes me not want to tell them anything, and I feel like I can’t trust what they reveal about me. I feel like their project and child, when I’m a human being who has feelings and if you feel the need to hide feeling like that and band together to discuss it, it makes me feel like they’re hiding things from me, secret feelings and gripes and I have to watch them grow to resent me or complain about me.
Is this ok? Like talking about me without me knowing? If it is then I can learn to get over it and not take it personally but if it’s not, I’d like to know, so I can share these feelings with them. Because my nervous system is telling me to never trust them with anything about me, and to leave them in the dark so they can’t use what I entrust them with, against me. But I know that it only hurts the relationship and “protects” me.
Any thoughts?
Stories in the same category
Points of view
Hey, I get how you're feeling. It's tough when you feel like people are discussing your life without you being in the loop. But honestly, it sounds like they care about you and just wanna help; maybe they're dealing with stuff too? Sometimes it's good to have an open convo with them, clear the air a bit. Trust isn't built overnight! 🙂
I appreciate that 🙂↕️ I’m thinking about having a conversation but I worry that it comes off controlling. Thank you!
It's understandable to feel uncomfortable when you're not fully in control of how your personal matters are discussed by others; communication is key here. Maybe consider setting some clear boundaries about what's okay for them to talk about without you present and what should be kept private until you're involved too. Your friend and boyfriend probably want the best for you, but it’s definitely fair for you to want transparency in those discussions. Open up about how this situation makes you feel (without accusations!) and see where it leads. It could help everyone be more mindful moving forward!
It sounds like you're in a bit of a tricky situation where the lines between privacy and transparency are blurred. It's natural to feel uneasy when you sense that people close to you might be having discussions about you without your full knowledge or involvement, especially when those conversations touch on sensitive topics. However, it's also important to recognize that sometimes friends and partners need space to express their frustrations or concerns, which can actually help strengthen relationships in the long run. Perhaps having an honest conversation with both your boyfriend and best friend about setting boundaries regarding what is shared with whom could create more understanding and comfort for everyone involved. Trust is paramount, and addressing this now may prevent misunderstandings down the line. 🙂
You know, it's one thing for them to have your back and another to respect boundaries. Your friend saying it’s a breach of privacy when they’re talking about you is shady if you ask me. 🧐 If you're feeling uncomfortable, trust that gut instinct. You deserve openness in relationships; being left in the dark isn't cool. It might be worth having an honest chat with both of them about how this affects your trust moving forward.
It's completely natural to feel uneasy about others discussing your life in your absence, and while transparency is indeed vital in any relationship, it's also worth considering that sometimes people vent or discuss out of concern, not malice; perhaps reflecting on their perspectives might reveal a shared worry for you rather than an intent to criticize.
It sounds like you're in a tricky spot trying to balance trust and privacy, but maybe consider that everyone needs to vent sometimes as well; your best friend and boyfriend might just be trying to process things themselves without any ill intent.
hey, i get feeling uneasy about them talking behind your back about you. maybe it's not as straightforward as it seems. 😕 have you thought about why they need to discuss you without involving you? sometimes people think they're helping but don't realize the impact. how does this align with their past behavior? just wondering if there's more to the story;
Navigating relationships can get messy, huh? 😅 While it's understandable that they might chat about you when you're not around, their approach seems a bit off. It sounds like they're trying to care for you in their own way, but maybe going about it all wrong; hiding things only stirs up more drama and mistrust! Maybe instead of focusing on controlling what they say, emphasize the importance of mutual respect and openness. It's not just about them having your back—it's about building trust by including you in those discussions.
It's so relatable to feel uneasy when others are chatting about you without your input, especially with close ones; it kind of puts a spotlight on the balance between transparency and privacy in relationships.
It's intriguing how both your best friend and boyfriend seem to be engaging in dialogues about you without full disclosure on their end. While it's understandable that conversations about behavior or decisions might occur in any relationship, outright denial of access to those discussions could indeed raise suspicions. Have you considered if perhaps this dynamic is inadvertently creating a triangulation effect, where each party holds pieces of information unknown to the others? Such situations can complicate trust. It might be worth evaluating whether this pattern serves all parties equally or if it creates an imbalance in transparency within your relationships.
While it's understandable to feel uneasy about them discussing you without your knowledge, remember that relationships often involve discussions that aren't meant to exclude but rather to support; maybe they're expressing concerns they don't know how to address directly with you.
Man, I totally get why this situation is rubbing you the wrong way—feels like you're caught in a bit of a pickle, right?
It's tough when those closest to us navigate their own ways of handling our issues, but sometimes it's worth considering whether their discussions come from a place of love and concern rather than criticism; perhaps approaching them with this understanding could open up more meaningful and transparent conversations for all involved.
hey, sounds like a tough situation to be in. i think it's important to remember that relationships can be a bit messy sometimes. maybe they're discussing things to figure out how best to support you? it’s not always easy to balance having your back with respecting privacy. try talking openly with them about how their actions make you feel—sometimes just airing it out helps everyone understand each other better!