I’m a pretty self aware person. I’ve done a lot of healing over the past few years and I’m pretty good at identifying my behaviors and all the stuff.

I still struggle to understand what are normal social things and just things you have to get over. And one of the things is the fact my boyfriend and my best friend discuss me.

My best friend told me at the beginning that when they conversate, I have permission at any point to ask and view their messages. And honestly I have no worries of any affairs or cheating.

However me and my friend got heated because she was continuing to push me on something when i repeatedly told her to stop. Long story short, there were tears and i eventually told my bf what happened.

He confronted my friend and askedwhy she was upsetting me and to cut it out, which i did really appreciate, because clearly she wasn’t listening to me when I told her to stop. And they talked about it and all, and he defended me throughout, which is really awesome, especially since I didn’t know about this, and I appreciate that I have someone who has my back even when I’m not there.

But when my friend was showing me, or at least, reading them, I asked her if I could just read it myself. And she said that it felt like a breach of privacy and joked that they talked shit about me and talk about me, which made me uncomfortable. And the fact that it’s a breach of privacy when it’s me who’s being discussed, makes me uncomfortable of what they could be talking about, because these things could be discussed with me.

I know they discussed how frustrated they were about my housing situation, and how I was being dumb about it. It just makes me not want to tell them anything, and I feel like I can’t trust what they reveal about me. I feel like their project and child, when I’m a human being who has feelings and if you feel the need to hide feeling like that and band together to discuss it, it makes me feel like they’re hiding things from me, secret feelings and gripes and I have to watch them grow to resent me or complain about me.

Is this ok? Like talking about me without me knowing? If it is then I can learn to get over it and not take it personally but if it’s not, I’d like to know, so I can share these feelings with them. Because my nervous system is telling me to never trust them with anything about me, and to leave them in the dark so they can’t use what I entrust them with, against me. But I know that it only hurts the relationship and “protects” me.

Any thoughts?

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