Moral perfectionism

I feel like a terrible person. I talk about my emotions and feelings so loosely all the time but when I got upset by his actions and words I couldn’t help but feel terrible. As a friend im supposed to support him as much as I can but what if that’s too much? I don’t want him to hurt himself anymore. He phrased his pain as something completely normal and tried to tell me how funny it is. Instead of laughing along with his message, I leave the chat. Why am I so affected by other peoples actions and pain. I let time pass, acting normal as if my head isn’t spinning from how awful I feel that i didn’t support him. Then I spend the night at his house. We have a completely fun and normal day until the middle of the night. We are laying there in the dark when he asks about that day. That day where instead of comforting him after the things he did to himself, I just left. I am a very honest girl and he is my best friend so I tell the full truth. I tell him that in that moment I didn’t have the heart to tell him to stop hurting himself because it was hurting me. I feel such big emotions all the time but I should be helping him instead of only thinking of myself. As I tell him everything, how I cried and felt so much guilt, I hear him say something that I don’t think I’ll ever forget. “You are going to be the first friend to see me cry.” Those words echo in my mind all the time now. Since the lights were off I could see the tears falling down his face. I couldn’t help but hug him and comfort him as I try not to cry loud that he would hear me. For a while after that I couldn’t get the thought out of my head. “You made him cry because of your emotions. You are a terrible person.” Today these thoughts have lessened but they are still there in the back of my mind. Recently he told me that he wasn’t crying because he felt alone in that situation, but that he was grateful that I cared about him and upset at the fact that I was that impacted by his words. I know I am a good person, but something in me says otherwise. I am constantly reminded of that night and I can’t help the way my mind perceives the way I am as a person. I feel like a terrible person.

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