My friend has the social intelligence of a thermostat
The story
so I've been friends with her for about 3 years, and I'm not even over exaggerating when I say she has no concept of things beyond what she has experienced. she literally thought sore teeth didn't exist because she never had them. so anyway she judges me for practically everything I do, and I swear its like she struggles being happy for me, when I literally went on call with her to give her advice while she was talking to a guy, listened and hyped her up for three days straight when the guy was all she ever talked about. so recently when we were volunteering these two guys came up to us and one was tall and kinda cute and the other was not ugly but he looked like REALLY young like out little brothers young, and the tall guy asked for my number and the short one asked for hers. I was already looking at her though because she has pulled all the guys in the past so I didn't even expect one to ask for my number. so afterwards we kinda just went on with what we were doing and she kept calling them chopped chuz when mine wasn't acc chopped... so like I kinda just acclimated to what she was saying and agreed but she literally wouldn't stop calling them chopped like literally doing it nonstop so I started getting deffensive bc he acc wasn't and it was annoying me. so she like reluctantly stopped for a bit. so I've been texting him and stuff and he is actually super sweet, but one time I asked her for advice for what to text because he said something I didn't know how to respond to and she just said "idk just stop talking to him" and switched the conversation to her. so I confronted her about it and literally reminded her about how I listened to her talk about her crush for three days straight, and she literally just disregarded it. she literally gets like upset when I talk about him. and on another tangent, I get tired super easily. like, get 12 hours of sleep and still be yawning in class tired. because of it, I don't always want to hang out after school with her, and recently she has started getting petty about it. whenever I say I don't want to hang out she literally says "ohh is baby too tierdd did she not get her Naptime" like what in the highschool musical bullying... like ik I'm making all of this sound like a joke but it's actually so draining. I don't think she realizes how many little comments she makes but they have gone from not thinking before speaking to passive aggressive and targeted. I'm not compleatly innocent either, I 100% have done things passive aggressively, but I make sure never to do them unprovoked, and always try to at least keep it in check. she has not only just started doing this either, she has not thought about what she says for the three years I've known her. it broke me down a bit, and she knows it. she just doesn't seem to care about what I have to say. she forces me to keep conversation going if I try talking or just interrupts me and brings the topic back to her. I somtimes say stuff like I wish I had more friends, but then she says 'your not gonna get any friends if you just sit around and never talk to anyone" and that's true, but then when I try to talk with new people she dominates the conversation, interupts me, and answers for me. she answers for me A LOT and it's actually so annoying. she is so hypocritical and will tell me not to do something, only to do the exact same thing herself. I just dont know what to do about her anymore. I guess I just want to know if I'm overreacting or not. there's a lot more, but that's way to long to write about.
thanks for getting this far
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Points of view
wow, it can be so incredibly frustrating when someone doesn't reciprocate the support and empathy you give them, especially over an extended period of time... Have you considered setting firm boundaries with her to protect your own well-being? It's important that you feel heard and respected in any friendship. Also, how do you think she would react if you directly addressed these recurring behaviors with her?
I've tried but I'm not sure if I was too indirect or something, so I I'll probably be taking your advice next time we talk about it. thank you!
I have to admit… sorry but I love the title of your story 😬🤣
lmao thank you
Wow, that sounds super frustrating... and honestly, I totally get where you're coming from. It's like, when someone just constantly dismisses your feelings or experiences, it makes you question everything—like are they even really a friend???; I've been in similar situations, and it's exhausting! Sometimes it feels like they're only around to make themselves feel better at your expense. Maybe take a step back and see how things go after some distance? Could help clear things up or show if she's willing to change.
I'm worried distance would make her worse and have something to use against me, but thanks for the advice and understanding
mate, sounds like you're dealing with a real "me monster" here; always gotta be the center of attention, huh? maybe it's time to have one of those brutally honest chats and see if she snaps outta this self-obsessed phase. wouldn't hurt to branch out and find peeps who actually care about what's happening in your life. life's too short for people who drag you down, I say.🤷♂️
i love the way you phrased this lmao, thanks for the advice!
holy sh*it, what a title 😶😁
Honestly, it seems like your friend might be stuck in her own little bubble, which is only going to alienate the people around her❓ You seem to have given her ample chances and support, yet she seems to lack both empathy and self-awareness. It sounds like you're getting weary of always playing the supporting role when she can't even pause for a moment to recognize or celebrate your happiness. Someone who frequently negates your emotions and makes you feel drained isn't providing a supportive environment; perhaps it's time to reconsider whether this friendship is worth maintaining; you've got every right to demand more from someone who's supposed to be in your corner.
that's acc really good advice and you rlly named what I feel like is happening, but I'm not great at making new friends, and all my other friends are friends with her, and I've been super close with her for 2 years now it feels wrong to just ditch her. thank you for reading tho
honestly, it sounds like you're putting a lot of effort into this friendship and not getting much in return. it's tough when someone can't see past their own experiences and makes everything about them. maybe it's worth considering how much energy you want to keep investing if you’re feeling drained. everyone's got their flaws, but you've been more than patient from what it seems. talking things out might help, but if she’s not open to change, you might need to look out for your own happiness and find people who value and support you too.
I'm sorry to say but I'd literally cut her off before she gets more powerful. I've had a similar friend and I thought if I was there for her eventually one day she'd learn what empathy is. I'm sorry to say, that day doesn't come. There are so many beautiful, empathetic people out there and this person might not be the one for you. Friendship are very serious business. Especially ones you can foresee lasting. In your case, I'd advise slowly distancing yourself from them. Of course just my feeling only knowing what you've written. Take care
It sounds like your friend is really stuck in her own world and might not even realize the impact of her actions. Have you ever tried to discuss this with her directly? Sometimes people don't see their own behavior until it's pointed out clearly. From what you've shared, it seems like she thrives on validation but struggles to give it back. I once had a friend who behaved similarly, and what helped was setting clear boundaries while also expressing how their actions made me feel. It's important for your own sanity and maintaining a balanced friendship!