Long story short, I have an online friend whom I formed a very close bond with /p. We would talk almost everyday. A few months ago, she stopped talking to me, informing me that due to family emergencies, she is overwhelmed and needs some time by herself. I understood that and waited for her, even though, I felt very lonely. She came back for a very short time and then said she's becoming inactive again, due to more family emergencies happening. Again, I tried to understand.

She came back after her family emergencies were finally over. We started talking again, everything seemed to be back to the usual. Until 3 weeks ago, she said she needs to focus on her exams and I understood. I stopped talking in our private server altogether because that's what I always do whenever she's gone. When I trust someone, I tend to talk a lot. That's why I held myself back to not overwhelm her.

A few days after she said that, she came back, sending a voice message talking about a situation she told me before she went on a break/hiatus. But I wasn't home and I couldn't give her my full attention. So I decided to leave it for later and I forgot (For better or for worse). Then a few days *after* the VM, she messaged, saying she ruined one of her exams and she needs to delete Discord to "lock in".

When she first said that, I was very upset. Because like I said, I stopped talking to her to let her focus on her exams. I didn't want her to get distracted by my messages. I felt like she's saying it's my fault... Because I'm the person she talked to the most on Discord. Also, it begs the question what the heck was she doing when she first said she needs to focus on her exams? I thought that was her "locking in".

But also, the amount and the lengths of these breaks are getting ridiculous to me. She started talking to me only for a month (Maybe even less) before she disappeared again. I know you have to understand that your friends might need some alone time and that they're not available forever. But I'm genuinely starting to get scared :,).

The thing is, due to a lot of my past "friends" taking advantage of me, I've become very paranoid. The moment the smallest thing happens, I start to feel like that this friendship is over... I don't always talk about them to my friend because I know sometimes my thoughts are irrational. (I was paranoid even when she disappeared because of her family emergencies, which was a very valid and understanding reason :,).)

Another thing is I'm an only child and I generally grew up very lonely. So when I feel attached to someone, it's hard to let go. I'm not saying this to garner sympathy. I'm just explaining why all of this is making me panic and why my attachment to my friends can get in the way.

Seeing that the number and length of her breaks are becoming longer, I feel terrified... This particular friend feels special to me because not only she fuels my artistic side, she also has been the most understanding and supportive friend I had...

I'm not saying I don't have friends outside of social media. It's just I just found new friends after moving back to my hometown and it will take a while for me to trust them and talk to them the same way I talk to this friend. So it feels really lonely for me right now...

It's not that I'm not busy at all, I'm probably more busy than my friend because aside from classes and studying, I also have a part-time job and my university's Psychology Association. But whenever I have free time and I check Discord and when I see our private server being inactive, it really hurts...

But I still feel selfish for feeling this way... I know I should be supportive and understand my friend no matter what and not always think about my own benefits. But it feels a bit tiring to wait for so long for your friend to start talking to you again, only for your friend to disappear again.

During her hiatuses, we would sometimes send Reels to each other that were like "Thank you for being my friend!" "I'm proud of you!" and these days when I send one, she either doesn't open my DM's despite occasionally posting on her Stories, or takes forever to leave a reaction or something. She also stopped sending me any, which really breaks my heart... (Yes, she hasn't deleted Instagram. An app that is arguably more distracting than Discord...)

The other sad part is that her birthday is coming *somewhat* soon and I wanted to be next to her to celebrate. I was planning on doing a simple drawing of her OC to celebrate, maybe even VC and talk about stuff. But I have a feeling it won't get acknowledged just like the Reels...

I'm sorry I know I sound selfish and petty through this. I don't know what to do. I really miss my friend. But I'm starting to feel like maybe our friendship won't work anymore... Because I feel like after starting to talk to each other, she's gonna disappear again and I can't take it anymore. It hurts so much that I can't help but feel upset. It kind of makes me not want to talk to her if she came back... My paranoid side feels like she's found new friends and that's why she's become comfortable with leaving me behind. I'm not saying it's bad to have other friends. I'm saying I think I'm being replaced...

I'm sorry again. I feel really pessimistic about this, even when I try to not judge quickly and be understanding. If anyone has any advice for me to cope with this, I'd appreciate it.

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