My Friend Keeps Disappearing
The story
Long story short, I have an online friend whom I formed a very close bond with /p. We would talk almost everyday. A few months ago, she stopped talking to me, informing me that due to family emergencies, she is overwhelmed and needs some time by herself. I understood that and waited for her, even though, I felt very lonely. She came back for a very short time and then said she's becoming inactive again, due to more family emergencies happening. Again, I tried to understand.
She came back after her family emergencies were finally over. We started talking again, everything seemed to be back to the usual. Until 3 weeks ago, she said she needs to focus on her exams and I understood. I stopped talking in our private server altogether because that's what I always do whenever she's gone. When I trust someone, I tend to talk a lot. That's why I held myself back to not overwhelm her.
A few days after she said that, she came back, sending a voice message talking about a situation she told me before she went on a break/hiatus. But I wasn't home and I couldn't give her my full attention. So I decided to leave it for later and I forgot (For better or for worse). Then a few days *after* the VM, she messaged, saying she ruined one of her exams and she needs to delete Discord to "lock in".
When she first said that, I was very upset. Because like I said, I stopped talking to her to let her focus on her exams. I didn't want her to get distracted by my messages. I felt like she's saying it's my fault... Because I'm the person she talked to the most on Discord. Also, it begs the question what the heck was she doing when she first said she needs to focus on her exams? I thought that was her "locking in".
But also, the amount and the lengths of these breaks are getting ridiculous to me. She started talking to me only for a month (Maybe even less) before she disappeared again. I know you have to understand that your friends might need some alone time and that they're not available forever. But I'm genuinely starting to get scared :,).
The thing is, due to a lot of my past "friends" taking advantage of me, I've become very paranoid. The moment the smallest thing happens, I start to feel like that this friendship is over... I don't always talk about them to my friend because I know sometimes my thoughts are irrational. (I was paranoid even when she disappeared because of her family emergencies, which was a very valid and understanding reason :,).)
Another thing is I'm an only child and I generally grew up very lonely. So when I feel attached to someone, it's hard to let go. I'm not saying this to garner sympathy. I'm just explaining why all of this is making me panic and why my attachment to my friends can get in the way.
Seeing that the number and length of her breaks are becoming longer, I feel terrified... This particular friend feels special to me because not only she fuels my artistic side, she also has been the most understanding and supportive friend I had...
I'm not saying I don't have friends outside of social media. It's just I just found new friends after moving back to my hometown and it will take a while for me to trust them and talk to them the same way I talk to this friend. So it feels really lonely for me right now...
It's not that I'm not busy at all, I'm probably more busy than my friend because aside from classes and studying, I also have a part-time job and my university's Psychology Association. But whenever I have free time and I check Discord and when I see our private server being inactive, it really hurts...
But I still feel selfish for feeling this way... I know I should be supportive and understand my friend no matter what and not always think about my own benefits. But it feels a bit tiring to wait for so long for your friend to start talking to you again, only for your friend to disappear again.
During her hiatuses, we would sometimes send Reels to each other that were like "Thank you for being my friend!" "I'm proud of you!" and these days when I send one, she either doesn't open my DM's despite occasionally posting on her Stories, or takes forever to leave a reaction or something. She also stopped sending me any, which really breaks my heart... (Yes, she hasn't deleted Instagram. An app that is arguably more distracting than Discord...)
The other sad part is that her birthday is coming *somewhat* soon and I wanted to be next to her to celebrate. I was planning on doing a simple drawing of her OC to celebrate, maybe even VC and talk about stuff. But I have a feeling it won't get acknowledged just like the Reels...
I'm sorry I know I sound selfish and petty through this. I don't know what to do. I really miss my friend. But I'm starting to feel like maybe our friendship won't work anymore... Because I feel like after starting to talk to each other, she's gonna disappear again and I can't take it anymore. It hurts so much that I can't help but feel upset. It kind of makes me not want to talk to her if she came back... My paranoid side feels like she's found new friends and that's why she's become comfortable with leaving me behind. I'm not saying it's bad to have other friends. I'm saying I think I'm being replaced...
I'm sorry again. I feel really pessimistic about this, even when I try to not judge quickly and be understanding. If anyone has any advice for me to cope with this, I'd appreciate it.
Stories in the same category
Points of view
yo, i totally get the feeling of being left hanging by someone you think is super special in your life, but have you ever thought about just straight up talking to her about how you feel?
I kind of want to. But I'm worried I'd come off as selfish for not "understanding" why she keeps disappearing. I'm not saying family emergencies and exams aren't understandable reasons for needing some time off of social media. But part of me thinks if this cycle continues, it'd be better if she cuts me off. Because I'm starting to feel like I'm just getting in her way and I'm nothing more than a burden.
The thing is, if this was the norm, I'd be a little less skeptical. But she used to be available all the time, even during finals. I know people's priorities sometimes shift and if starting now she wants to focus more on her exams, I should understand and be supportive. But she deleted our primary way of communication (Discord), and it feels upsetting. Now, I either have to wait until she comes back from her hiatus (Which by that time, I might be gone myself), or send a message on Instagram and wait for a very long time for her to even see it.
Another reason why I'm hesitant to talk to her is because there's a very *very* small chance I would want to stay away from social media during my finals, which starts from late December until mid-January (Yes, for my friend it's the holidays and she might come back during this time. But for me, that's not the case). The thing is, I studied throughout the semester. So I doubt I'd have a ton of problems during finals. But even the small possibility of me going on a break, makes it hard for me to tell my friend about her disappearing issue, only for me to disappear myself. I just feel like it's not fair. Sure, I've been available 95% of the time, even through the most difficult stuff in my life and one break wouldn't hurt. But I feel like the timing is probably not the best for this kind of conversation.
The final reason for this (Yes, there's more) is because a month before her family emergencies, we had a fight. While at first we were both handling it horribly, eventually we both calmed down and had a proper and honest talk, apologized to each other for the way we handled this, and it solidified our friendship even more. Because I never had a friend who understood my perspective and handled our fight so gracefully. While it made me feel comfortable to tell her anything, the reason I'm hesitant is because I feel like I'm being selfish. The reason we had the last fight was because I felt a little betrayed over something she did without telling me and also kind of contradicting something she said in the past. So I feel like bringing this new situation up to her, would make her feel like I'm saying she's the problematic one in this friendship and that's why I keep finding new problems with her all the time. Even though, that's not how I feel.
I gotta say, it sounds like you're putting a lot of weight on this friendship and expecting her to keep up at the same pace seems kinda unrealistic 🤔. Everyone has their own life tempo, and constantly dealing with emergencies or exams is probably overwhelming for her too. It might be worth questioning if this intense focus on one person is healthy, considering your new friends could bring you more balance.
Plus, you've got plenty going on yourself with school and work; maybe allocating some of that energy elsewhere could help lighten the load emotionally 🧠. Have you thought about setting some personal boundaries so these absences don't hit as hard?
I know I shouldn't focus on one friend all the time. But like I said, I just can't bring myself to 100% trust my new friends. We do hang out, talk, have food together, etc. But after so many of my "friends" hurt me and used me, I'd need a long time to be able to trust my new friends. It took 1 year for me to fully trust my online friend that I've been talking about in this very post. That's why it feels really lonely right now.
I wasn't even thinking about her for a while. Despite feeling upset that she deleted our primary way of communication, I tried to understand and I stopped using Discord because I don't have anyone else to talk to there. As I mentioned, whether she would delete Discord or not, I'd stop talking in our private server to not overwhelm her. I was also focused on my exams and my new job. But when I see it's close to becoming a month since we haven't talked *again* and thinking about how when she comes back, there's a 5% chance I disappear myself, and when I come back, she is probably gone ***again***, it feels sad... That's why I'm scared. I'm scared that with this situation, we might never be able to talk again... Letting go never gets easier...
Even after putting most of my focus on my university, studies, job, The Psychology Association, etc. I still have free time. Whether it's because I'm good at balancing everything or because we have a three-day weekend instead of two at my university, I don't know. But that's why I still have the time to talk to her if she came back. Besides, humans are social beings and even the most introverted person needs a friend, a companion, etc. So when I see that I don't get to talk to (kind of) my only friend, it feels devastating.
u know: "absence makes the heart grow fonder" but u're letting it morph into "absence makes the heart paranoid" 🙃
Hey there, I can totally see why you're feeling frustrated and a bit lost over this friend situation!!! The thing is, balancing friendships online can be tricky when people pop in and out like that. Trusting someone after being let down by others is super tough (believe me, been there done that) but sometimes it’s about taking small steps to open up to new folks around you, even if it's just for casual chats at first.
Hey, I totally get that you're feeling really down about this situation and it's tough when someone who's important to you isn't there as much as you'd like.
it sounds like you're investing so much emotion in this one friendship that it might be weighing you down; maybe think about diversifying your social connections so there's not so much pressure on both of you.
Man, I totally get where you're coming from. It sounds like your friendship means the world to you. But remember, it's okay to feel the way you do! especially since she's been a big support for your artistic side and everything. Maybe consider giving her some space without cutting ties completely? Sometimes people just need that breather without meaning anything personal by it. Meanwhile, keep yourself busy with activities or hobbies you enjoy. Keeps your mind off things and might even help build connections with those new pals of yours! Remember: "time heals all wounds," and sometimes friendships are a bit of a rollercoaster ride, but they can still come back stronger than ever if both sides care enough! 🌟
finding the right balance between supporting your friend and taking care of your own emotional needs can be a delicate dance, can't it? i totally get how challenging it is to navigate these waters when you've been hurt in the past. but remember, "friendship isn't a big thing; it's a million little things." trust is built over time: or as you said, it took you a year to fully trust her 🌼
look, i get that you're hurt and feeling like you're maybe not a priority in her life anymore, but it sounds to me like she's genuinely dealing with some heavy stuff; sometimes people can only handle so much at once. when you say she used to be available during finals and seems less committed now, remember: priorities change over time 😅. if this friendship really matters to you (which it clearly does), it might be worth having a candid convo about how you feel; sure it's scary, but what's scarier is letting these feelings fester. also, consider leveraging all those skills you've honed balancing school and work into building some new connections or even strengthening other friendships: because staying attached to just one person without diversifying your support system ain't doing any favors for your mental health 🚀
I completely understand your feelings and concerns. It seems like you're dealing with a lot of emotional turmoil over this friendship, which is truly valuable to you; however, it may be helpful to reflect on the nature of online connections and how they can sometimes fluctuate due to external circumstances beyond anyone's control. It's okay to feel upset about her absence, but perhaps considering open communication with her?? expressing how much her presence means to you without placing blame or pressure... itcould provide some clarity for both of you. Remember, friendships evolve over time, and while some distance might be necessary right now, it doesn't mean things can't improve in the future. Maintaining your own well-being by engaging more deeply with those around you could also offer additional support during this challenging period.
sounds like you're in a tough spot, trying to balance your needs with her time constraints; it's clear you value this friendship deeply but maybe it's time to normalize communication preferences between the two of you. perhaps consider discussing establishing boundaries or expectations for how you both want to maintain contact during busy periods. it might also help alleviate some of the pressure and paranoia if you openly communicate about what changes have occurred since things were steady; remember: as the saying goes, "strong relationships require flexibility," not rigidity.
i really hear you on the struggle of feeling left behind; it's tough when someone important isn't around, especially if they've been a big support to your artistic side, like you mentioned. maybe try focusing on nurturing other connections while still keeping the door open for your friend. having multiple support systems could ease some of that loneliness and give you a bit more balance emotionally; i totally get it's hard to trust new people right away but baby steps can make a big difference. plus, confiding in someone else about how you're feeling might help ease some of that burden too 🤞
have you considered the possibility that her way of dealing with stress and commitments might be different from yours?
hey, i really get where you're coming from with all these mixed emotions. it's tough when someone who means a lot seems to be drifting away because of life's chaos and commitments 🤷♂️. it might help to remember that people deal with stress differently and her stepping back doesn't mean she's replacing you or devaluing your friendship. maybe think about easing into more open communication where you can express how much the relationship means to you without making her feel pressured; sometimes just letting someone know they have a safe space can make all the difference. plus, don’t forget... nurturing those new friendships at your own pace could help give your feelings some balance too 🌟.