Please Stop Telling Me I'm Something That I'm Not!
The story
I hate it when people tell me what a great person I am. I truly do because it's not true. I'm not a bad person per say but I'm not the great person they think I am.
My who always tells me how lucky she is and how I'm the best husband she could ask for. If only she knew that I had slight resentment towards her for using sex as a tool to keep me in the relationship until she felt we were close enough and in love enough that sex was no longer a want I would have. If only she knew that I have strong romantic feelings for one of my best friends, even while being fully dedicated to her as a husband.
My close friend who tells me how lucky she is to have me as a friend, even giving me a card for my birthday saying how I have given her back a feeling of hope in the world. If only she knew that I have strong romantic feelings for her, even though I'm in a dedicated marriage. If only she knew how often I think about her even though I shouldn't.
My other friends who tell me that I have such a kind and loving spirit. if only they knew how much I hated most people, to the point that I wish harm on them. if only they knew how I still haven't forgiven them for turning their backs on me so many years ago. If only they knew that sometimes I still think about it and wish I could hurt them back.
My best bud who tells me he couldn't imagine not having me in his life. If only he knew when allowed his ex (and mutal friend) to rent a room from me that I knew it would hurt him but didn't care because I still held a grudge against him for disappearing on me after high school. If only he knew that I have given up hope on helping him find love and peace because I don't think he'll ever let himself be happy.
My mom who tells me I was the best decision she ever made. If only she knew that don't trust her in any way. if only she knew that I don't have many kind words to say about her to others. If only she knew that was always happiest when she wasn't around.
If only they all knew. Then maybe they would get upset with me when I give a honest response to their compliments. I always reply, "No I'm not a great husband."
"No, you can do better then me."
"No, I'm not as good as you think."
"I give you new hope for the world? That's really sad."
"Your honesty just settling for less and can do better "
My responses are honest, sincere and mean them whole heartedly but they just think it's my lack of self confidence. Maybe it is but it's also just me knowing who I am.
If only then knew every time they tell me how great I am that I actually wanna cry then find a deep hole somewhere and die so I don't have to worry about hurting them.
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Points of view
hey, i really feel where you're coming from. it's tough when people see you differently from how you see yourself. i've been there too, feeling like i'm just putting on a show for everyone around me. there's something comforting in knowing you're not alone in that struggle; but could it be that you're judging yourself too harshly?
resentment can be such a heavy burden, and it's hard to navigate relationships with these hidden feelings. 🤔 i've noticed that even a little communication can go a long way. have you ever thought about sharing some of these feelings with the people you're close to? it might not be easy, but sometimes it opens up new paths for understanding and growth.
your honesty with yourself is admirable, but self-awareness includes recognizing your strengths too. are there things about yourself that you can appreciate, like the loyalty you seem to show? don't forget to give yourself credit where it's due.
it's clear you're dealing with some heavy emotions, and that can be such a lonely place to be in. There's something to be said about the difference between how we see ourselves and how others see us; maybe there's a middle ground that's closer to the truth than either side alone.
the complexity of your relationships, especially with your wife and friends, seems to highlight internal conflicts that are tough to navigate. it sounds like there's a part of you that wants to be honest about all of these feelings but also fears the consequences. I've noticed in my own life that honesty can be both a relief and a challenge, as it demands vulnerability.
Have you considered what outcome you want from sharing these truths with those around you? while it's important to acknowledge your own feelings, it's also key to consider how your actions and words can affect the people close to you; maybe there's a way to express yourself that leads to understanding rather than conflict. balancing personal truths with external perceptions is hard work, but sometimes it can pave the way for more authentic connections.
totally feel you on this one. people often have this idealized view and miss the complexities of who you are; it's like they're seeing only the tip of the iceberg. been there, done that. it gets so frustrating when everyone thinks you've got it all figured out but inside you're screaming.
i had friends who praised me like crazy, and i felt like such a fraud. those hidden resentments and feelings you're talking about are real and valid. the pressure to live up to expectations can be suffocating. sometimes i think if people knew the real me, they'd be shocked.
it's tough carrying around emotions that others might not understand, right? ever thought about how to reconcile these two perspectives or if you even want to? 🤔 i mean, it's a lot to unpack, but maybe there's some peace in finding a way to bridge that gap.