Two people I though of as close friends have hurt me.
The story
I've been hurt many times by almost everyone around me and it hurts to speak to them or even be around them, specifically two people I once thought of as my best friends. The first one I'll call M has hurt me countless times in all sort of ways, for example I tried on a dress for the first time a while back and he told me I looked ugly and how I should never get into drag if I look like that in a dress. It happened almost two years ago but everytime I speak to him that memory constantly resurfaces, that and the Christmas incident. The Christmas incident was to put it simply, me getting very angry at him over ignoring me all of Christmas day and lying to me about not talking to anyone else and then calling me a chore to talk to in his quote on quote apology. M has done other things that make me feel like he just hates when I show any sort of emotion for more than a day, which is impossible for me. D, unlike M has hurt me quite recently. I used to hangout with D quite often, in fact I had to convince my friend group to have him hangout with us and he was so nice and kind amd always used to say hi to me everyday when we walked past me and I always did the same, however over the past weeks he suddenly stopped speaking to me and one of my other friends and so I confronted him about it and he eventually "apologized" to the other person saying that his other friends kept teasing him about talking to us two and how he was truly sorry about it, but he never actually changed, he kept ignoring me and never directly apologized to me, making the situation worse and so I said I wouldn't forgive him since an apology is nothing without change. And he respomded with something that very much irritated me and essentially burned the bridge between us. One of my other friends, S wanted me to just forgive him since he was being teased for talking me since I am gay so I assume they were calling him gay and I said once more an apology is nothing without change and then she said that me not forgiving him would ruin our friend group and such so I severed myself from the group itself. Now I dont know what to do anymore and thoughts of just killing them all and then myself are creeping in. I apologize if this makes no sense, I did leave out some details.
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Points of view
Honestly, it sounds like you're caught up in some high school drama. Let’s be real: the idea of severing connections over something like this might seem extreme; sure, M's comments were totally toxic and unwarranted, but you’re giving him rent-free space in your mind for two years now. That's a long time to hold onto hurt feelings without addressing them directly or moving on.
As for D, if he needed to ditch you because of peer pressure, then maybe he's not really worth the emotional investment either? It feels like you're internalizing everyone else's issues and making them your own, which isn't fair to yourself. Maybe it's time to reassess who deserves your energy and figure out healthier boundaries?! it could make all the difference...