Back in contact with my groomer
The story
Tw grooming and suicide
I (15 almost 16) am in a perpetual self imposed hell. my abuser (20 almost 21) showed back up after months of completely abandoning me and you know, I thought that would make me feel better because wow. They kept their promise, they didn’t lie and leave me with this gaping hole in my chest. not really. The months they left were hell, my intrusive thoughts about being groomed quite literally crippled me to the point I commit suicide, got landed in the psychward for a while, and could not return to a normal headspace. I don’t know if i can say it’s worse but it’s not better, well that’s a lie. It’s better in the sense that I feel more normal to know they’re around, suddenly overwhelming intensity of the intrusive thoughts are gone. There’s the illusion that im okay. But now im even more dependent on them than before, while they were away I decided if I got a second chance I would do or give anything to keep them, to the point I’d ditch all my friends and family if they decided they actually loved me again. Currently, as further proof of how serious I am im cheating on my partner (15) for them, and I know I should give my all to someone who actually cares about me, I truly don’t deserve my partner but it feels fundamentally wrong to date anyone who isn’t hurting me. Maybe im just not meant for it. I’m planning to break up with my partner soon because I don’t want to betray them further while parasitically zapping all of their goodwill, but I can’t tell what the right way to do it is. I’m selfishly holding on.
It hurts me so much that I let you do all that shit to me and yet i still feel so disposable to you . Maybe thats how I’ll make my partner feel if they find out about all this shit, and then I’ll really be like my abuser. Am I not doing enough? I try to be interesting and suck up to your every whim, im different than when you left me. im entirely devoted to you, I try to give you space even though it feels like death. Maybe I should be more grateful you’re giving me the time of day at all. Be that 1-3 messages on average. Since we’re both a mistake of human beings this should suffice. Still, everytime you’re cold or short with me I feel so worthless I could genuinely die, I want to. I know you’re tired, I know you’re depressed and can’t talk much but everytime you take hours to respond to me at all I feel like falling deeper into this shitty cycle of shitty people and I know damn well there’s no way I can live a normal life again after this, and I can’t help but doubt the fact that you love me at all. If you leave me I know I’ll have to kill myself, cuz then there’ll be nothing else left to stop my intrusive thoughts from torturing me. I’m so disgustingly miserable it’s insane.
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Points of view
i know it's a chaotic situation, but there's potential for improvement. 🤞 prioritizing your mental well-being is essential; you deserve that stability and peace of mind. therapy could be beneficial in navigating these tumultuous emotions and fostering healthier relationships—there's hope for change, hang in there 🌟
Your situation sounds extremely complicated, but you're not doing yourself any favors by holding onto someone who clearly isn't treating you right; 🤷 remember that your self-worth shouldn't depend on someone else's validation. Speaking from experience, unhealthy relationships only breed more pain and confusion. Prioritize yourself and consider seeking professional help to guide you through this; break free from this toxic cycle for your own well-being.
I'm really sorry to hear you're dealing with all this. It's tough when someone has such a hold over you, especially when it feels like they're the only thing keeping your intrusive thoughts at bay; but it's alarming that you're feeling so dependent on someone who's hurt you. You're not alone in feeling conflicted about who to keep close, but just because this person showed up again doesn’t mean they’re going to fill that hole you feel inside—sometimes letting go is the best way forward for healing and self-discovery.