I’m a female at birth.

I hate that I have to associate my whole life with this body. I feel wrong all the time. I don’t feel like seeing myself in the mirrors and the pictures. Cutting my hair short (not short as a boy, because I’m not allowed to) and dressing like a boy help me get through it, partly, because I still don’t like my appearance.

I had an ex - stupidest decision EVER - that was when I chose to be FEMININE. I thought to myself, “maybe I won’t be judged anymore for looking NORMAL. I’m dating like everyone else”, I kept comparing and comparing. The relationship didn’t work out. I’m back to be like this because it helps me feel better for some times.

My friends kept old pictures of me with long hair and kept praising that I was “prettier” in the past. They kept telling me to get my hair long again, knowing I had a talk with them about how I would love to be a boy and that I hate my body. They didn’t understand. They just love secretly talk this talk that to satisfy their curiosity without any deep understanding. Those ‘praises’ seem like an insult to my face.

I didn’t bother telling them what to do with their life, but they did to me instead. 99% of my friends all act like this. I wonder why (I don’t even tell them about changing pronouns because I know I’m still not passing and they won’t undestand it anyways. It shows)

I can’t even look at my selfies and reflection in public normally. I would be grossed out and try to avoid them as much as I could. I think it has something to do with how “ugly” I think I am. My teeth is impaired. My hair is just dry and curly and they lie flat on my square head because I’m not allowed to cut my hair any shorter. But in the end, how I have to live in this body knowing everything I do in life, this body is involved - from work, love, to family, is what scares me the most.

What’s ironically funny is that, I’m mostly interested in boys, so I’ll likely accept to live in this body because most of the boys are straight. They may distract myself from how I hate myself so darn much, but maybe this is not the way. I don’t know, like, in the end, this is my life. Don’t live for somebody else’s approval.

I’m scared to fall in love again because my mind is a mess. Everyday, “what am I?” “I want to choose me” these thoughts keep popping up in my head.

For someone who is reading, I want to wish you all the best. Maybe don’t be too harsh on yourself? Eat good food. Read good book. Travel. Learn more about the world. I’m living in the big bubble and it scares me every single day.

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