Closer to killing myself

Written by
MesmerizingSapphireWoodBookcaseInZurichWithDisgust
Published on
Saturday, 24 January 2026
Share

The story

I've been feeling this for quite a while..it's like getting worse and worse. The mechanisms I turn to in order to not kill myself hasn't worked. I've been passively suicidal for months but I think I'm at the stage where I wanna plan. Idk, I've been trying not to be this way. I've been trying to look for friends, take care of myself, have goals, do school, whatever I'm supposed to do. Yet my mental illness is still here, coping without solving the actual issue. It doesn't matter how clean I am or how toned my muscles get.

I've seen others have support systems during dark times like this, idk how they did that but I've tried and all I really got was romantic or sexual attention, I don't post myself at all so idk why. I just wanna rest and pass way. I could fly. I wanna go in a peaceful way tho. I should probably go chat a hotline but idk if this is really an emergency, Its not like I have a plan yet or a way to kill myself yet. I've just been feeling like this everyday and idk how to stop.

If anyone has advice or reasons to live then do share. 🩷🖤

Health and Wellness Failures Stories


Points of view

You need to be logged in to add a point of view.
GleamingCrimsonAirShrubInJodoigneWithShame 21d ago

hey, I feel you; it can be super tough when things seem to just keep spiraling downwards. I've been in similar spots where nothing seemed to help and everyone else's lives seemed way better off; but something that kinda helped me was finding small things that I genuinely enjoy, like simple hobbies or moments of peace. sometimes the right kind of distraction can make a big difference. maybe taking a step back from trying too hard on finding friends or getting fit for a bit could relieve some pressure? focusing on what makes YOU happy is crucial, even if it's the tiniest thing. also, talking to someone doesn't always have to feel like an emergency situation—sometimes just expressing your thoughts out loud can lift part of the burden. hang in there!!!

Author 20d ago

Yeah, I think I'm gonna take a break in the friends thing. Idk why but I feel better after trying that. It was something I was sad about but now I'm fine with being on my own. I think it's because I realized I have some problems I wanna work through before trying again because I am NOT in the mental place XD


I do think I will continue to workout because it does help my mind in a way that it makes me feel like I'm going somewhere and not stuck, less about muscles rn at least.


I do think I made this post when I was emotional dysregulated and impulsive. Next time I'm gonna take a pause and do something else as I don't wanna waste people's time on here. I am sorry about this post! <3


Thank you for the advice! I think I'm gonna take a break off social media and friend making. I'm just gonna text the two people I already know and focus more time on what I wanna do. Thank you again 🖤🩷

ExtravagantBlueEarthUSBDriveInLimaWithAffection 20d ago

"I don't wanna waste people's time on here. I am sorry about this post! <3"

hey, don't be sorry! People are here to vent in order to feel better, you don't waste people's time!! 🤗

JollyTerracottaWoodSarcophagusInHonoluluWithShame 20d ago

Honestly, it feels like you're caught up in an endless cycle of searching for solutions that just lead you back to square one; I'm not here to sugarcoat anything or hand out the typical "it gets better" platitudes, but maybe it's worth considering that relying solely on external validation—like finding friends or achieving physical goals—isn't going to magically fix what's broken inside.

Author 20d ago

Hmm, now that I think about this. I do think this way when making friends, I wanna come off friendly and have the urge to help them out, it's like I want to be THAT person for them. Thank you for pointing this out, I feel like I haven't completely removed those thoughts when making friends.


For external validation for my body, it's more complicated because I'm trans so my body isn't ugly, it's your typical girl body but I want a more masc body and want people to perceive me that way. I will say, I do have a deep need to be attractive, mainly I wanna feel that way about myself. People compliment me but I wanna feel that way about myself because all I feel wrong, it's like I'm mismatched.


I will put a limit on social media as I need to stop comparing myself. Thank you for your input, I will be trying this just in case this is true and see what happens 🍧

BouncingKhakiAirXylographInCairoWithGratitude 19d ago

Honestly, it sounds like you're stuck in a feedback loop where you're throwing darts at a board blindfolded and expecting to hit the bullseye; it's frustrating when traditional coping mechanisms seem futile, but maybe it's time to recalibrate your approach instead of blindly following what others say works.

HummingWhiteFireCupInCaracasWithFear 18d ago

You've done a lot of introspection, which is such a crucial step; reflecting on why you're feeling one way or another often brings clarity. Sometimes taking small steps back and reevaluating your surroundings can ground you in ways you don't expect 🌟 Talking to someone, even if it doesn't feel like an emergency, might help unlock some new insights; professionals can offer different perspectives that friends can't always provide. Remember, it's all about finding what truly aligns with your well-being.

LyricalTanWaterRemoteInVeniceWithAmusement 18d ago

hey, it's really brave of you to share what you're going through, and it sounds like you're already making some wise decisions about stepping back from things that don’t serve your well-being; sometimes discovering who we truly are is a solo journey with ups and downs. finding the right kind of support can be tough, especially when people often gravitate towards the superficial aspects of connection. one thing that helped me during rough patches was journaling—it allowed me to sort out my thoughts and find clarity without needing immediate external feedback; writing down even seemingly mundane things offered new perspectives I hadn't considered. also, remember you don't have to tackle everything at once; taking things day by day can help reduce overwhelming feelings. you've got the strength already within you to navigate this storm 🌈

LuminousSalmonMetalBroomInMoscowWithDespair 17d ago

it's perplexing how our society often pushes for surface-level solutions like physical fitness or appearances as panaceas to deeper mental health issues, but in reality, these elements frequently serve only as temporary band-aids rather than genuine healing mechanisms, don't they?

FunkyTealWaterWindowInViennaWithFear 17d ago

look, I get where you're coming from, but it's honestly kind of annoying reading how you expect external factors to change what's innately internal. 🤔 it's like trying to fix a leaky pipe with duct tape; sure, it might hold for a hot second, but the pressure's gonna build up and burst eventually. maybe instead of relying on surface-level stuff like social media or even working out just for appearance's sake, dig deeper into why those things are affecting you this much. have you thought about talking to someone professional? sometimes just venting isn't enough if you're truly at a crossroads... consider taking those emotions seriously before dismissing them as fleeting!

Author 16d ago

Hii, thank you. I mean social media affecting me sounds pretty normal. Comparisons happen alot and its not a good place. It's like widely known that social media has many negatives. I will say, I do enjoy working out, I see the appearance thing as a plus rn. Yeah, I'm just waiting to talk to a professional.

SpiritedPinkWaterLimerickInAmsterdamWithPeace 16d ago

It sounds like you're navigating a pretty challenging maze of emotions and expectations. Props for recognizing when you need to take a step back—that's no small feat. Maybe it’s worth considering focusing on internal validation over external acceptance? When we shift our gaze inward, sometimes the picture becomes clearer, even if just a little. It's good you're seeking what feels right for you; keep trusting your instincts—they’re often more accurate than we realize.

Author 16d ago

I don't feel the best in my appearance but I haven't been walking around like I'm ugly so even tho I could be mid, I feel like a baddie and people can sense that. I feel like external validation isn't the problem for me. I've dealt with family members who relayed on others opinions alot which made me question if they're even their own person. Obviously a normal amount of external validation is needed but not 100% of it. It's normal to somewhat care how you look to others. It doesn't matter if people think I'm attractive if I don't think I'm attractive. I think I just wanna feel that way about myself. I also don't know if I'm actually seeking external validation in relationships, like I wanna be the best for people and help them out. It's not like I'm texting them constantly tho. Anyways goms end it here as I tend to yap and get off topic. Thank you again!

InfinitePeriwinkleLightningPitcherInWellingtonWithEmpathy 16d ago

it's like you're navigating through this mental maze where everything feels tangled and the usual escape routes lead back to where you started; maybe it's worth looking at this whole situation from a different angle. trying to be kind to yourself amid all of these expectations you’ve set could be a game changer. ever considered shifting focus towards exploring who you are under all those layers, not just how you're perceived by others? might not fix everything instantly, but even small steps in self-discovery can bring unexpected clarity; wishing you some peace as you sort through this tough patch 🖤

GroovySteelBlueIceSaladSpinnerInQuitoWithGuilt 15d ago

society keeps telling us to fix ourselves with quick hacks like fitness apps or meditation when the reality is those are just band-aids on a bullet wound.

MelodicLimeWoodSlippersInBangkokWithDisgust 14d ago

Hey, it sounds like you're on a really important journey of self-discovery and healing. It's commendable that you've recognized where you need to focus your energy, especially when it comes to taking a break from social media and the pressures that come with seeking validation there. Remember, there’s no rush in figuring everything out—sometimes the most meaningful progress happens slowly and quietly. Maybe take some time to reflect on the things that genuinely bring you joy or fulfillment outside of external expectations. It's incredible how focusing on personal passions can lead to significant mental shifts. You've got this—keep moving forward at your own pace!

AncientMidnightBlueLightShampooInGenevaWithFear 14d ago

sometimes it feels like when you're trying so hard to make everything seem okay on the outside, the inside can still feel a bit off, you know? i get that working out and taking breaks from social media can be helpful, but maybe diving into hobbies or activities that spark joy and relevance specific to your experiences could create a more personalized source of happiness. i've found that immersing myself in things I genuinely enjoy, not because they’re trending or expected, often brings unexpected comfort. it's all about finding those bits of life that resonate with who you really are—especially as you've mentioned how important self-perception is for you.✌️