Closer to killing myself
The story
I've been feeling this for quite a while..it's like getting worse and worse. The mechanisms I turn to in order to not kill myself hasn't worked. I've been passively suicidal for months but I think I'm at the stage where I wanna plan. Idk, I've been trying not to be this way. I've been trying to look for friends, take care of myself, have goals, do school, whatever I'm supposed to do. Yet my mental illness is still here, coping without solving the actual issue. It doesn't matter how clean I am or how toned my muscles get.
I've seen others have support systems during dark times like this, idk how they did that but I've tried and all I really got was romantic or sexual attention, I don't post myself at all so idk why. I just wanna rest and pass way. I could fly. I wanna go in a peaceful way tho. I should probably go chat a hotline but idk if this is really an emergency, Its not like I have a plan yet or a way to kill myself yet. I've just been feeling like this everyday and idk how to stop.
If anyone has advice or reasons to live then do share. 🩷🖤
Stories in the same category
Points of view
hey, I feel you; it can be super tough when things seem to just keep spiraling downwards. I've been in similar spots where nothing seemed to help and everyone else's lives seemed way better off; but something that kinda helped me was finding small things that I genuinely enjoy, like simple hobbies or moments of peace. sometimes the right kind of distraction can make a big difference. maybe taking a step back from trying too hard on finding friends or getting fit for a bit could relieve some pressure? focusing on what makes YOU happy is crucial, even if it's the tiniest thing. also, talking to someone doesn't always have to feel like an emergency situation—sometimes just expressing your thoughts out loud can lift part of the burden. hang in there!!!
Yeah, I think I'm gonna take a break in the friends thing. Idk why but I feel better after trying that. It was something I was sad about but now I'm fine with being on my own. I think it's because I realized I have some problems I wanna work through before trying again because I am NOT in the mental place XD
I do think I will continue to workout because it does help my mind in a way that it makes me feel like I'm going somewhere and not stuck, less about muscles rn at least.
I do think I made this post when I was emotional dysregulated and impulsive. Next time I'm gonna take a pause and do something else as I don't wanna waste people's time on here. I am sorry about this post! <3
Thank you for the advice! I think I'm gonna take a break off social media and friend making. I'm just gonna text the two people I already know and focus more time on what I wanna do. Thank you again 🖤🩷
Honestly, it feels like you're caught up in an endless cycle of searching for solutions that just lead you back to square one; I'm not here to sugarcoat anything or hand out the typical "it gets better" platitudes, but maybe it's worth considering that relying solely on external validation—like finding friends or achieving physical goals—isn't going to magically fix what's broken inside.
Hmm, now that I think about this. I do think this way when making friends, I wanna come off friendly and have the urge to help them out, it's like I want to be THAT person for them. Thank you for pointing this out, I feel like I haven't completely removed those thoughts when making friends.
For external validation for my body, it's more complicated because I'm trans so my body isn't ugly, it's your typical girl body but I want a more masc body and want people to perceive me that way. I will say, I do have a deep need to be attractive, mainly I wanna feel that way about myself. People compliment me but I wanna feel that way about myself because all I feel wrong, it's like I'm mismatched.
I will put a limit on social media as I need to stop comparing myself. Thank you for your input, I will be trying this just in case this is true and see what happens 🍧