High school deeply affected me, and I want to heal.
The story
Hi, I'm an 18 year old guy struggling with social issues, depression, OCD, loneliness, etc. My struggles began in Grade 9 when two boys started bullying me. They humiliated and degraded me to my face. I was too shy to fight back, so I pretended like it didn't bother me. They also pretended that we were friends and they liked me. This whole situation confused and ruined me. It lasted until Grade 10.
I couldn't deal with something like that. Their words and criticism hurt me so much that I've never been able to move on. I wondered "Why, why me? What's wrong with me? Why am I so wrong?" I coped with the situation by accepting everything they said as the truth.
Halfway through Grade 10, I was hospitalized due to an eating disorder. I've since recovered.
This experience ruined my self-esteem and I came out of it changed. I've since become deeply invested in self improvement, so much so that I was admitted to the best school in my country for a cutthroat program. According to my friends, I'm witty, handsome, stylish, unique, and caring. I even had my first kiss a while ago.
I also have mental breakdowns.
I live with a good deal of stress and perfectionism. It drives me to success and eats me up inside. Sometimes, I feel hollow and empty. Life doesn't care about these feelings, and when everything becomes too much, I fall apart. I cry big, ugly tears that leave me with red eyes and shame, my chest swells with pain, and my thoughts become confused. It's more pathetic than cinematic. Almost all of my breakdowns are about social relationships, especially with girls.
I've always wanted to fall in love with, date, and marry a girl. That dream has guided me since I was nine, but Grade 9 took that dream and smashed it in my face.
I lost my social intelligence and the few friends I had. I entered a self-imposed social exile that lasted until my hospital trip. Afterward, I started seeing a therapist, taking medication, and making changes. My dream also came back. I was weak and lonely, and I wanted friends and a girlfriend. I wanted someone to come and help me–I needed them to take my pain away because I couldn't do it myself.
Making friends was very difficult at the start. I was extremely shy and awkward with my classmates. Girls weren't interested in me either. My mood actually got worse around this time, which is funny. In a typical week, I have two good days, two mediocre days, and three bad days. Bad days involve some kind of chest pain or breakdown. This has been consistent since around that time. This is also where my dynamic with girls really solidified. I experienced intense feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy. During my episodes, I often wondered "I work so hard. Why, why am I not good enough?", and "I try so hard to be good. Do you know how hard I try?" These feelings remain today, although they are considerably better. Back then, my physical attractiveness was more heavily connected to these feelings. I felt like a fatass after regaining some weight, for example. I still struggle with my looks, but I know I'm a good looking guy when I take care of myself. I guess these feelings aren't about girls specifically. I wanted to be close to someone, feel loved, and matter. I wanted all these things before I was stable and ready to appreciate that someone and reciprocate.
In the spring of Grade 10, I met someone who affected me just as much as those two boys did. I'll call her Leia. Leia was just as screwed up as I was. She had her own issues with eating, relationships, etc. Unlike me, she's strong, disciplined, and amazing. We met at school and became increasingly close. She saw something in me, I know it. To everyone else I was no one, but not to her. She and I were best friends, and we helped each other through difficult times. I came to love her, in a way, and she felt the same. I loved watching her smile. Our relationship broke down in the winter of Grade 11. She and I hit a vape one night in her car, and she made me promise not to tell anyone. This was around the time I found some real friends. I told them that I hit a vape, and one guy asked me who's vape it was. He said "Was it Leia?" I couldn't think of anything quick enough and blurted out a "Yes." I told her soon after, and she lost trust in me completely. That was basically the end of us. She hung out with other people, our interactions became infrequent, and nothing I said or did could change what happened. I was extremely shaken and guilty, and I went through a lot of grief. I've never been that close with anyone since, except my therapist. Moving on was difficult. One time, I listened in as she gossiped about me to her other friends in the library, which really hurt. Still, I learned so much from our time together.
Early Grade 12 was a new beginning for me. Those friends I mentioned became permanent, and I'm so happy I found them. At the same time, I was getting impatient. Leia was gone, and I felt tied down by my reputation as a recluse. I wanted a connection with someone, but I didn't want to wait. I had "optimized" my appearance, but I wasn't any luckier, so I decided that my personality and character was holding me back. I worked very hard to change who I was. I talked to more people than normal, I made more jokes, and I tried to stand up for myself. I wanted to be confident, funny, and strong. I spent extra time with my little brother and doing chores at home. Not all of this was necessarily bad, but it was a lot of work during a busy time in my life.
It was last winter, the winter of Grade 12, when my medications stopped supporting me. I fell into a deeper depression that I haven't broken free from yet. I was exhausted from life and tired of rejection, not to mention the one guy who tried to humiliate me a few times. This was the first time I considered suicide. I felt that if I still wasn't happy ten years from now, I would have no choice but to end it. I've considered it other times since then, but it's not an immediate threat.
Depression and OCD have stolen a lot of my time, and this has become more pronounced since last winter. I skipped more classes, slept much more, cried more often, dissociated more frequently, etc.
My first kiss happened around this time. This girl in my class kept giving me the look and talking to me. We went to study one time at a library, and I kissed her out of nowhere. Afterward, I told her I wasn't interested in a relationship.
Basically, I thought she was cute but wasn't sure if it would go anywhere. I used her to fill the nothing inside of me, and then I hung her out to dry.
I'm such a shitbag for this, but it helped me understand something else. I hurt this girl because I was hurting, and Leia hurt me because she was hurting. Those two boys probably hurt me because they were hurting.
Nothing notable happened over this summer. I was miserable and exhausted for most of it because I changed my medications and my friends were all busy. My relationship with my parents broke down, and we aren't as close anymore.
In September, I went to the best school in my country for Chemical Engineering. I dropped out a month and a half later. I pretended I was an extrovert, again, which was exhausting and unsuccessful anyway. At the same time, I got into a massive argument with a bunch of people from my dorm. They were trying to subtly bully this kid by throwing him a birthday party in our recreation room; the night before, they were all chatting about how weird and annoying he was. My other big social issue was that my "friends" in class turned out to be fake.
I was actually happy during the first two weeks of University, but my new medications did not support me through these struggles.
I dropped out, and now I'm home again. I'm taking a gap year, and it's my hope that I can heal and improve as a person. I also changed medications again.
At the very least, University taught me how important authenticity is and that I need to stop trying too hard around girls and guys. I was also given a small mercy when that girl I kissed contacted me. We were able to work things out, and I'm really happy she's okay.
I'm thankful if you've read this far, and I'm glad I decided to write all this down.
I'm curious, what would you have thought if you saw this on a TV show?
