i dont like myself
The story
At 8:30 tonight I opened the onboarding email for my new job and saw the request for a short video introducing myself to the customer success team. It sounded simple: say my name, explain what I will be working on, and mention something personal. Instead, I sat there doing dozens of takes until the blunt thought in my head was i dont like myself. Not in a dramatic way. I just could not find any version of my face, voice, or personality that I could tolerate sending to people who will soon work with me.
I put my phone against a chipped blue mug because my stand kept tilting. The desk lamp made my forehead look shiny, so I moved it, which made the wall behind me look like a basement. By take forty-seven, my smile looked forced before I even pressed record. I changed from a charcoal button-up to a plain black shirt, then changed back because the black one made me look like I was filming a hostage video; Every playback gave me a new reason to be rude to myself. My mouth moved strangely. My voice sounded thin and fake. When I tried to seem friendly, I looked desperate for approval.
The worst part is that I cannot pretend this is ordinary camera discomfort. The same commentary has been operating quietly outside the recording. When friends invite me somewhere, I think about how awkward I will look standing beside them. I buy clothes based on whether they help me disappear, not whether I actually like them. During conversations, I monitor my expressions so closely that I miss what the other person is saying. That is particularly stupid for a customer success role, where clear communication and a calm client handoff are basic parts of the job.
A friend once said, "You always disappear when we take pictures," and I laughed because admitting the reason would have made the whole dinner uncomfortable. She meant that I step behind someone or suddenly offer to hold the phone. I also avoid telling stories in groups because I can feel people looking at me while I speak, and then I become convinced that every sentence sounds annoying. Nobody has actually told me that my face is ugly or that my personality is unbearable. This opinion is almost entirely mine, which should make it easier to dismiss, but instead it makes me feel like I am carrying around a hostile coworker who knows every weak point.
Objectively, the hiring team already interviewed me and chose me, so the video is not an audition. They probably want a usable introduction for the onboarding workflow, not a detailed inspection of my teeth or speaking rhythm. I understand that, but the upload button still feels like permission for everyone to see what I have been trying to keep out of view. I can submit a competent clip and perform the job, yet I am tired of arranging my friendships, clothes, and posture around avoiding attention. What would you do if the actual issue is i dont like myself, not the video, and I still have to upload it tomorrow?
