i hate myself so much

i don’t even kno how i got like this, but every day i wake up and the first thing i feel is just… hate. like, for myself. i look in the mirror and i can’t stand what i see. i’m not pretty, i’m not smart, i’m not anything. i try so hard at school and still i keep failing or messin up the easiest stuff. it’s embarrasin. teachers look at me like i’m stupid or lazy but i swear i try, like i really do. i study, i stay up late, i skip things i like just to focus but none of it works. and then i come home and it’s not better. my mom’s always mad at me, always yelling, sayin i don’t do enough, that i should be more like my cousin or my sister or whoever. like sorry i’m not good at anything okay?? my dad doesn’t say much but i can tell he’s disappointed too. he used to try to help with homework but now he just shakes his head and leaves the room. sometimes i wish i could just disappear for a while, like vanish and see if anyone even notices. i feel like a ghost in my own house. nobody listens to me. when i try to talk about how i feel it’s always “you’re being dramatic” or “you just want attention”. but i don’t. i just want someone to see me and say “you’re okay” and actually mean it.

i’ve lost friends too. like, i still talk to some ppl at school but i can tell they don’t really care. i get left out of stuff and when i ask to hang they got excuses. nd maybe it’s cuz i’m so negative or boring or whatever. maybe i talk too much about sad things. i try not to, but it leaks out, like i can’t help it. i laugh less than i used to. i cry more, mostly in my room, sometimes at night under the covers so no one hears. i write in my notes app stuff i could never say out loud. and yeah sometimes i think stuff i shouldn’t. like what if i just wasn’t here? would it be easier for everyone? i kno that’s a scary thought but it’s real. i don’t want to die, i just don’t wanna feel like this anymore. like i’m broken or wrong all the time. i see girls my age who are confident and smiley and got everything going and i feel like i’m just stuck. like i missed some class where everyone learned how to be normal and i wasn’t invited. nd yeah, ppl say “love urself” but how do you love someone who keeps messing up everything? who makes ppl angry just by being there? i hate myself so much and the worst part is i don’t even kno how to stop. i don’t kno how to be okay again, or if i ever was.

Stories in the same category