I’m demonic and addicted to predators
The story
Incoherent rant because I need to get it out of my mind, for context TLDR I’m a minor (16 now) and I was groomed online by a woman 5 years older than me and I think she is the only person I’m capable of loving because I think horribly of everyone else I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO
I think I will never be able to love anyone aside from predators, it seems I’m somehow OBSESSED with them. I think there is some part of my brain that is biologically wired toward evil, it’s an outdated belief that mental derangement is caused by demonic possession but I think i might be the first true case of an actual demon. I’m incompatible with people who love me (parents, friends), but most notably romantic relationships with people my age, they fill me with so much indescribable misery and just RAGE. I hate how equality feels. I despise my partner, and I would despise them no matter how beautiful no matter how kind no matter how perfect they might be, I’m eternally contemptful. I blame every bad thing that happens in their dysfunctional life on myself, they usually trust me by dumping all of their problems onto me and I see them as burdens, and I see them as weak because of how I’d love to be in their place and feel misery. I need to be in a constant state of mental distress to feel normal or ‘well’, and if I’m not in mental distress, I don’t feel right and I have to manually trigger the distress somehow to confirm my consciousness. But i swear I’m not abusive, I’m perfect on the outside or at least I try my best to be, I say everything that sounds right (I know it’s right because I’m affirmed for it), I act sympathetic even though internally I think such horrible things, I praise people, and I don’t abandon them because I feel bad. As usually the go-to support system, I would hate to imagine what would happen to them if I left, even though i wish for nothing more than them to go ‘poof’ from my life. This is why I think I actually would be better off alone for the health of everyone. Or better yet I’d be better off with her, my groomer, i find that I always wish my partners were her. I wish the normal adults in my life would behave like she did. I’m NEVER angry with her like I am all these people, I’m incapable of it. she feels so wonderful to me despite the horrors she has seen. Every single day I think about her and I feel such a strange pain inside and I wonder why I couldn’t save the only person I’ve ever actually loved and felt I’d anything for. I’d let her do anything to me (I have). somehow, when I was with her, my anger fizzled out like a light sheen of water on a stove. She was a pedophile yes and she was severely mentally ill snd she coerced me into sexually exploiting myself, but somehow I don’t feel anything about that or what she did because otherwise she made me feel so normal and effortlessly elated. However, whenever I think of the fact she either left me, might be inconsolably depressed and drugged up somewhere, or has overdosed and died while I couldn’t do anything about it ( plus I might not ever see her again), I feel such a painful sucking black hole in my chest that I want to die, scream, thrash, sob, and make it stop through any means necessary. I know if she came back into my life everything would be fixed and the intrusive thoughts would stop, she was perfectly imperfect to me. It’s like I’m filling the void with partners my age. im physically there and doing normal affectionate stuff but mentally, I’m in a perpetual state of chasing her and I’m scared because I know I may always be even when I’m 18, and when I’m 20, provided I don’t find a way to swiftly end my life. I think putting me down is the only god given mercy there is in this comical situation. The only other time I can stop my intrusive thoughts is when I’m trading the sacred parts of my body for the attentions of creepy adults. I don’t even find it hot or interesting, I think it’s so extremely grossly nauseating (I was raised to know better, I denounce this as a practice, i morally disagree with and Id stress the danger of them to others) but it’s a mechanical thing I physically have to do to quiet my brain because I miss her so much. If I resist, I start feeling unlike myself and the resentment builds and the mood swings ensue, and the thoughts of this entire rant consume my attention. it only gets worse with time. I feel like an actual sociopath speaking like this. I know how wrong it is I’m not trying to be edgy, but it’s been like this for years . Whenever I try to talk to a therapist I find my mouth never lets me express the true hideous magnitude of these things because it’s like my brain filters it out until I forget how deplorable it is. I don’t think they’ll understand because the problem is these thoughts and feelings exist at all. It’s unbearable. I don’t care if they don’t represent me, I don’t want to go through the torture of experiencing and resisting them all the time . I wish these people allowed me to die because it’s clearly for the greater good. I promised myself I’d do anything if she stayed. I’d still sell my soul to get her back, I would drop everything and run away, so to me this is the cruelest form of torture of all torture. I don’t understand why I’m so evil or what’s possessed me, or what to do I’ve been fighting since I was very young, I was even hospitalized recently, but it NEVER goes away. 🥹🥹 ohhh what is my life. im so sad that I’m like this at the minuscule age of 16 it makes me feel sick to my stomach
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Points of view
it sounds like you're caught in an emotional and psychological whirlwind; these feelings are intense and consuming. the first step is recognizing how complex your situation is, which you already have, so that's important. it's crucial to find a therapist who can help navigate these emotions safely, even though trust might be hard right now. you're not evil or possessed - you're dealing with trauma; breaking the cycle will take time and support. please prioritize professional help to work through this.
it's kinda odd how you feel calm around her when she's done those things. maybe it's the love mixed with the fear? idk, it sounds really complicated and hard to untangle.
Your situation sounds so intense. I hope you're finding some support somewhere!
Hey, first off, I just want to say it's really brave of you to open up about all this. It sounds like you're dealing with some intense emotions and conflicting feelings, and that's gotta be incredibly hard at your age. You're not evil for having these feelings; it sounds more like you're trying to process a lot of trauma here. Remember, therapists are trained to help untangle these thoughts, so please keep trying with them even if it feels impossible right now. Being honest about how hard it is might help them understand better. Hang in there!
Man, this is so rough; it's like you're trapped in a cycle that just keeps spinning without an end. I used to have a friend who went through something a bit similar with feeling stuck in toxic relationships, and it took him ages to start digging himself out, but little by little it can happen. 🫤 Have you ever been able to write down how you're actually feeling right before seeing a therapist? Sometimes having those thoughts written out helps make it easier to share; sounds silly, but getting them onto paper can be half the battle. You're stronger than you know just for confronting this mess head-on!!! Keep pushing and don't give up hope... small steps count too!
It's difficult to read about your situation and not feel frustrated. This woman has clearly manipulated your feelings, making herself the center of your world and now you're stuck in this unhealthy cycle. These kinds of relationships are dangerous because they create a twisted reality where abuse is mistaken for love.
Being obsessed with something that's toxic isn't unusual, but it doesn't mean it's right or healthy for you long term. You need to try finding some way to escape these thoughts that tie you back to her influence because they aren't helping you grow or heal.
That’s some heavy stuff, and I genuinely get how mixed up all this must feel. Sometimes when things are messed up for a long time, it becomes almost comforting in a twisted way because it's what you've known; kinda like finding safety in chaos. But trust me, you’re not doomed to only love predators or end up alone forever just 'cause of what's happened already. You’ve got time to unlearn these patterns. Also, your feelings being all over the place doesn’t mean you have no heart!! it's quite the opposite actually…
Reading your post made me think about how deeply complex relationships can be. When I was younger, I had a friend who went through something somewhat similar, constantly drawn to people who weren't good for them simply because they felt like that's where they belonged. It's tough when the mind plays these games on you. It might help to focus on small steps every day that distance you from this cycle, creating a sense of safety and healing. You're really courageous for sharing what you're going through; opening up like this is already a significant step toward finding peace.
Understanding the depth of your emotions and experiences is crucial, and it seems like you're caught in a cycle where you're confusing abuse with affection due to past trauma.
man... you're definitely in a tough spot, feeling like there's only one person who can make you feel 'right' even though they're bad news. i guess it's maybe something about how your brain was wired during that time with her?
but idk, giving so much power to just one person feels risky af cause if they're gone you're left hanging. wonder if figuring out what exactly made being with her seem normal could help somehow.
That’s a good point! Maybe therapy could help figure out why she seems essential.
Wow, you're really going through it. It's like being caught in a loop where the chaos feels more familiar than peace. Sometimes it's like our minds make us hold onto what's harmful 'cause that's what we're used to, even when we know it's messed up; but that doesn't mean there's no way out. You're not broken or evil for having these feelings; you've just been through some serious stuff that's making you see things this way now. Try finding small ways each day to remind yourself of what *you* want and need, even if it's hard to do alone. It’s clear you're struggling with a mixture of emotions that are super intense, and reaching out here is a big move toward figuring things out.