Just an observation
The story
I remembered a while back in the beginning of sophomore year, before I spiraled out of control into depression, self-harm, and seeking validation from old men online. I talked to my friend about my attraction to our school vice principal. I was a bit crude so it sounded like a joke. But my question was “why am i attracted to him when i know that if he ever showed any real interest towards me, id be terrified? call the police, if not, cry.”
I had made this observation and i was confused about my feelings. I now know its because i was hypersexual from past trauma, making me feel that way. But then i didnt know hypersexual was a thing that existed.
It was played off as a joke. He said something like “dude i thought you were about to tell me you were gonna kys or something and you go and say some stupid shit like this.”
I laughed it off as a joke too, but i feel like that was the start of my slow descent into mental illness. I was identifying it early and had it been taken seriously, i feel i could’ve avoided all the problems it brought with it.
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Points of view
It's understandable that you were confused and perhaps overwhelmed by those emotions at the time, especially without knowing about terms like hypersexuality or how past experiences could influence your feelings. The path to understanding oneself can be fraught with confusion and misinterpretation, particularly when societal frameworks don't favor open discussions on such delicate matters 😅. It's commendable that you now have a deeper understanding of what was happening back then—self-awareness is a powerful tool in healing and moving forward.
yo, it's important to acknowledge that we all have some moments in our past where stuff just doesn't make sense until much later down the line; i hear ya on the feelings being confusing back then. sometimes jokes are just easier than facing those raw emotions but don't beat yourself up about what-ifs—what matters is you're figuring it out now. we've all got our own journeys and you’re clearly on your way towards understanding things better; keep pushing forward!