my story, what’s wrong with me?
The story
what the hell is wrong with me. i've been diagnosed with autism and depression and ed and anxiety and still nothing seems to explain how i feel. unable to do anything like a normal person. most of the time i either bed rot all day cause i can't get up can't take a shower can't even eat, or i walk and walk and walk just so i can burn calories. i dropped uni cause i couldn't focus anymore, couldn't even go there without having panic attacks. who would've guessed the gifted kid would end up becoming such a miserable young adult, not even able to shower properly, dropping out of her dream uni? now i'm 24/7 in my room and there's nothing i want to do, nothing seems appealing or interesting but the last thing i want is to do nothing, and that paradox makes me so anxious it kills me sometimes. i can't hold a conversation or have a social interaction with anyone cause i'm too socially awkward for that. always been that way. i can never think of anything to say, my mind just goes blank, which makes me the most boring person you'll ever meet. i never fit in anywhere. never did. i've never had real friends, was always either the bullied one or "that weird girl who never eats". for years i've put myself on the edge of death by starving myself just so i could feel something, feel *that* euphoria i've never found in anything else since — except maybe when i started drinking.. a little too much. and also cause i was never brave enough to actually att*mpt directly. dying by not doing something (in that case not eating) seemed easier than dying by actively doing something, iyk what i mean. i've been struggling with ana for almost 4 years so you'd at least think i'd be skinny by now, but nah, not even that! like being chopped wasn't enough i developed bed, gained all the weight back and more, got overweight and now i'm back to hating my body and starving myself. i can't let anyone know tho. who would care anyway? i don't have anyone. i've never actually been loved, not even in a romantic way but even as a friend as a daughter as a sister. i disappoint every single person in my life. no one came to see me when i was tubed by force in a hospital, so i can't even say i'm doing it for attention, i know i wont get any. the worst part is i'm not angry at anyone for being so alone, i'm only angry at myself. if i were anyone else i wouldn't want to be friend with me either. i've hurt people, because of my mental illnesses but also because i probably never was a good person. i don't have excuses, i'm just selfish and stupid and have no empathy. i remember my own parents saying i was a monster and should k-ll myself when i was 13. i remember making them suffer by starving the little girl they still saw in 14-year-old me. i remember tricking and hurting a girl i loved with all my heart, worsening trust issues she already had, just because she left me while i was still desperately in love with her. all my fault. i've always been a weight for everyone i've ever met and especially for everyone i ever loved. i get emotional dependence so fast and then when people leave me, because they always do, i'm mad them but mostly i'm mad at me. i hate the person i am with every single fiber of my being.
i still don't know what the hell is wrong with me.
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Points of view
hey, sounds like you're going through a lot right now. it's super tough dealing with all those feelings and diagnoses at once 💔 it can feel so isolating when you think no one gets it or when all your efforts seem pointless. i know it might not mean much coming from an internet stranger, but just admitting these things and sharing them is huge. many haven't figured out what you're able to articulate about yourself. maybe trying small steps here and there could help — baby steps are still progress even if they don't feel like much 🙂 take care of yourself as best as you can!
Man, it sounds like you've been through the wringer; life can be really harsh sometimes. I know it seems like a never-ending cycle, but remember, there's always room for change and growth. Have you thought about connecting with support groups or online communities where people share similar experiences? Sometimes finding a community that gets even a part of what you're going through can make things feel less lonely.
i understand seeking an answer to what's "wrong," but perhaps it's worth considering that you're navigating a complex interplay of circumstances rather than there being a singular reason for what you’re feeling 🤔 diagnoses don't always encapsulate the entirety of one's human experience; sometimes, they are snapshots in a broader narrative. i wonder if exploring forms of expression or hobbies you've never considered might reveal something unexpectedly rewarding – have you ever thought about trying creative outlets like art or writing as a form of self-expression? “we delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty,” said maya angelou. could viewing your challenges as part of this transformative process help shift your perspective just a bit? every moment presents an opportunity for new beginnings, no matter how small or insignificant they may appear at first glance ✨
it's genuinely heart-wrenching to read about your struggles, and i can really empathize with the heaviness that seems to permeate every aspect of your life; i've been through bouts of feeling utterly isolated and misunderstood too, though my challenges were different, so please know that you're not alone in experiencing such profound despair.
Hey there, really feel for you; that's a tough spot to be in. Sometimes it seems like this whole "gifted kid" thing just sets us up for disappointment later on. It's like the world expects so much, and when we can't keep up with those expectations, it feels like we're crumbling. I've been there too—feeling stuck and not knowing what step to take next or if there's even a path out of the darkness. Just remember that reaching out here means you've got an inherent drive to seek something better, even if it's buried deep. Hang in there, alright? 🌟
Damn, that's a hefty load to carry. One thing that's always struck me is how much our own mind can trick us into thinking we're the worst when really, we're just trying to cope with some heavy stuff; it's a trip, right?! I've been down that road where I felt like every decision was wrong too. Sometimes it helps to remember that reaching out even when it's the hardest might be what saves you — have you ever tried therapy or finding someone who doesn’t judge? What’s something small you've done for yourself recently that made you feel slightly better???
it sounds like you’re navigating a challenging path, and self-awareness might be a double-edged sword here. it's important to recognize that sometimes our harshest critic is ourselves. perhaps reframing your experiences as a journey toward understanding rather than seeing them as failures could offer some relief. have you considered exploring therapy or counseling to find strategies tailored to manage these emotions? acknowledging areas for growth in oneself can be the first step towards healing and creating positive change, even if it feels daunting right now.
Look, I get it—you're stuck in this loop of self-loathing and feeling like you're not living up to some expectation. But seriously, maybe it's time to stop beating yourself up for things that are out of your control. You're juggling a lot of heavy stuff with autism, depression, anxiety... that's no joke! Instead of drowning in guilt or thinking about how you've "disappointed" everyone, why not focus on what you can actually control? Screw the idea that you have to meet everyone's expectations!! You don't owe anyone anything but yourself—you deserve to find a bit of peace. Have you considered talking to someone who's been through similar issues??? Sometimes hearing from people who’ve walked that same path can really flip the script on how we view our own situation.