Need help to not be alone (Mental Health)
The story
My journey all started when I got knee surgery for my meniscus tear. In this story my empire was destroyed only to be rebuilt with unstable ruble.
I was an active person before my injury working out 14 hours a week and eating a well balanced diet, I got at least 8 or more hours of sleep each night. I also had all A’s in my classes and a wonderful group of friends. Overall my life was stable and perfect in all aspects. When I tore my meniscus and got the surgery I was still resilient and hopeful for a couple months after. I went to physical therapy every week and was progressing more than the average person would. It wasn’t until March that the downers of life started catching up to me. I was starting to get burnt out from school since I had to make up for the weeks I was recovering. I also felt more depressed. At the end of the school year things really lightened up. I got on an antidepressant called sertraline, However I never took the medication because I had the idea that it would mess with me. Day after day I skipped my medication and it finally became summer break. And not even a week into summer break I just broke down. Apparently my mind was on its last stilt and just fell and all the stress came crashing down with it. I started having symptoms like mood swings and suicidal thoughts. So my psychiatrist put me on abilify to stabilize my mood because it switched often. My mood swings were from crying to feeling like I was the coolest person on the planet, this would happen a couple times a day. I soon had my first visit to a mental hospitable due to suicidal actions. Once I finished my stay my psychiatrist took me off sertraline and put me on cymbalta. I actually took cymbalta, however another symptom showed up and I started to have extreme anxiety at the start of July. Everything seemed like they were trying to keep me in this dream called life and the only way I could end it was by killing myself. I also started to take substances like nutmeg and LSA. I felt really unstable in life. I then started a php program that was short lived before going to the mental hospital for my second stay. At the mental hospital I started prazosin and trazodone. I was also diagnosed with derealization and depersonalization By August things started to get better but I started to notice I couldn’t control my actions and impulses as well anymore, I didn’t feel like I was my usual stable self anymore. In an attempt to get a thrill and escape I took a plant called Datura on five different occasions. The drug put me into a place of delirium that felt confusing yet safe. Soon my parents found out and stopped me from taking it again. I was still struggling till the middle of September. I took 62 pills of benadryl to get the same delirium I had on Datura. I continued taking benadryl till my parents noticed my pupils dilated. Then the next day they sent me to the mental hospital again. When I got out I continued life, still struggling. I also seemed to gain 90 pounds in three months. My psychiatrist was at the point where they were about to diagnose me with Borderline personality disorder. However me and my family decided to send me to a residential school in California before anything could happen and take off the school semester. At the residential we found out that I had Hypothyroidism and was put on lamictal and thyroxine. After staying at the residence for 2 months I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. When I got home I was put into a php where at some point I ended up eating a benadryl ointment cream as a last resort to get that delirium. The next day it was found out cause I was acting weird. Thankfully they didn’t send me to the mental hospital. I soon finished php and moved on to Iop. This was the time school started. In the first week of school I decided to drink 300mg of caffeine a night to see what happens and then decided to not sleep for three days due to nightmares. At this point I was starting to go into a psychosis believing I was meant to be schizophrenic in my next life so I should kill myself. The world also started to glitch and I felt Euphoric as hell. However, I decided to sleep on Thursday to Saturday and then decided to try staying up for 5 days on Sunday. I am now finishing night two while writing this. All being said, I truly hate myself right now. My feelings for myself switch from feeling like I am superior to everyone to feeling like I am unlovable and I hate myself. I honestly hate my personality so much to the point I want to actually commit suicide. I don’t know if this is a personality disorder or if I am just actually stupid or crazy. I used to have this stable personality but now my personality is reckless and moody. If anybody relates to this please tell me because I don’t want to be alone in this. (I'm not necessarily looking for a diagnosis I am just looking for others experience similar to mine)
Stories in the same category
Points of view
yo man, i gotta say, i feel you on this, like seriously, been in a similar boat myself with all the ups and downs, and it ain't fun.... life gets hella tough sometimes, and our minds play all sorts of tricks on us, like no kidding, you described some real tough stuff, and it can feel like a never-ending rollercoaster... your story reminds me of when i hit rock bottom just a few years back, and i was all over the place too, tried meds and stuff, and they made me feel like i wasn't myself, so i totally get why you're hesitant with them. i dunno, sometimes i wonder if we ever really get back to the way we used to be, but you know what, at least we can try to figure it out bit by bit. just know you're not alone in this mess, and there's folks who gone through similar stuff. sometimes life just isn't fair, ya know, but we gotta keep pushing and finding those small wins, even when everything's feeling like a pile of rubbish.
I really gotta say, your story hit home for me and I'm truly impressed by your resilience and strength in facing so many challenges. You're on this wild journey and it's understandable to feel overwhelmed sometimes, but I just want to emphasize that you're doing an amazing job by reaching out and sharing your experiences. It reminds me a bit of my own journey and how we sometimes gotta navigate this maze of emotions and thoughts which can feel like we're lost at sea without a paddle, you know? It's always tough when life throws unexpected curveballs our way and we feel like we're losing control, but trust me when I say the storm passes and there's clearer skies ahead. You're not alone in this at all and there's people out here walking through similar paths. Keep holding onto that hope because even the littlest sparks can light up the darkest nights and bring about change we never thought possible. You have so much to offer and remember you're stronger than you realize!!
I get where you're coming from but it sounds kinda rough to me... the "rollercoaster of emotions" is real, but turning to drugs and skipping meds might not be the best approach??? you know, sometimes our neurotransmitters get all mixed up and professional guidance is key... it's important to stick with a treatment plan or else things can spiral... seen it happen before... i'm just not sure if going through all those extreme ups and downs is the way to rebuild your "empire"... take it slow, maybe try sticking to what the pros suggest... best of luck, really.