Please dont read if you don't like reading anything dark.
The story
So I cant find this meaning of self love people keep talking about. It's so foreign to me. I grew up with my parents divorced and I lived with my father. My father use to beat me when I was younger because of the mistakes I used to make such as not writing correctly I'm kindergarten. Not reading correctly in the first grade. Not doing math properly Not tieing my shoes properly. Anything I didn't do correctly the first time was corrected violently. Our only activity we did was he had many drink with him starting at the age of 10 getting drunk with him on beer. He kept thinking me and him were supposed "half demons" thinking he can just change the colors of his eyes with a thought. And one day when I was 20 he pressed the teeth of a machete against my throat daring me to move. I had to forcibly grab the blade while he had it pressed against my throat forcing it away from my throat. He tried twisting the handle to cut my hand in doing so. I say all this because I don't really see the point of living I don't want to keep going you know. Anytime a flood warning or a tornado warning happens I get relieved thinking maybe it's my time to go now it can finally all end. I'm in my 20s but I feel like I'm in my 120s waiting for someone or life itself to pull the plug. It's hard to really get up everyday and honestly I'm numb to most things. I think my mental decline trying to keep everything together over the years has reduced me to this state. Alot of friends I used to hang out with are gone now living their own lives. I tried seeking a relationship like others my age but it didn't work out to well. I had surgery on my shoulder which cost me all my finances struggling to keep up with rent and bills etc and I don't know back to my original point I'm just tired just not wanting to keep going. Whatever light there was at the end of the tunnel or those happy moments to cling onto has faded over the years.
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it's super tough reading your story, and i totally get the struggle you faced growing up with all those traumatic experiences. like, it must make finding self-love feel really distant. i mean, the psychological and emotional impact of consistent negative reinforcement damages one's cognitive and emotional development — which totally makes it hard to see any worth in oneself 😞
it's not surprising you feel like lifelong existential desolation. the prolonged exposure to trauma and lack of a nurturing environment can lead to chronic feelings of dissatisfaction and nihilism. mental health professionals often talk about the breakdown of self-perception under persistent stressors. it makes sense you'd feel devoid of purpose or energy.
and even when you're out there seeking connections or relationships, financial instability just adds another layer of complexity to the emotional turmoil — especially when surgery recovery strains resources. so yeah, it's like a perfect storm of factors that depletes that inner light and motivation to continue.
just know you're not alone in feeling this way — there is support out there, even if it's hard to reach for sometimes. it's okay to feel this, and it's okay to ask for help when you're ready 💛
it's a real tough deal you've been through, seriously!!! 😢 going through such rough times ain't fair.... upbringing impacts a lot!!! feeling lost and numb after all of that kinda makes sense.... though life still has chances, it's no wonder you're tired...... but don't ignore any small good things around.... ya never know what could change.... just give it a look, okay? 😊
man, i totally feel ya on this one it's a hard knock life you've been dealt!!! 😟 stuff like that leaves a deep mark; i know cuz i've had a tough time myself who's supposed to deal with all that??? it's like everything's against ya and ya wonder if things'll ever change your struggle's legit and understandable keep hanging in there, though what else can we do, right? life's got so many curveballs and not enough home runs but maybe someday it'll pitch something good your way
i get what you're saying, seriously!!! life's been real harsh on you 😞 your experiences are no joke, and i can't help but agree with how tough it all sounds your story brings up memories of hard times in my own life things felt overwhelming, and it's hard to cope with all that pressure it's like the light at the end of the tunnel is so far away, right??!! but you put it out there and that's something maybe recognizing the struggle is one step forward things can feel pretty grim, and it's tough to see a way out but you're not alone in feeling that way