Please dont read if you don't like reading anything dark.
The story
So I cant find this meaning of self love people keep talking about. It's so foreign to me. I grew up with my parents divorced and I lived with my father. My father use to beat me when I was younger because of the mistakes I used to make such as not writing correctly I'm kindergarten. Not reading correctly in the first grade. Not doing math properly Not tieing my shoes properly. Anything I didn't do correctly the first time was corrected violently. Our only activity we did was he had many drink with him starting at the age of 10 getting drunk with him on beer. He kept thinking me and him were supposed "half demons" thinking he can just change the colors of his eyes with a thought. And one day when I was 20 he pressed the teeth of a machete against my throat daring me to move. I had to forcibly grab the blade while he had it pressed against my throat forcing it away from my throat. He tried twisting the handle to cut my hand in doing so. I say all this because I don't really see the point of living I don't want to keep going you know. Anytime a flood warning or a tornado warning happens I get relieved thinking maybe it's my time to go now it can finally all end. I'm in my 20s but I feel like I'm in my 120s waiting for someone or life itself to pull the plug. It's hard to really get up everyday and honestly I'm numb to most things. I think my mental decline trying to keep everything together over the years has reduced me to this state. Alot of friends I used to hang out with are gone now living their own lives. I tried seeking a relationship like others my age but it didn't work out to well. I had surgery on my shoulder which cost me all my finances struggling to keep up with rent and bills etc and I don't know back to my original point I'm just tired just not wanting to keep going. Whatever light there was at the end of the tunnel or those happy moments to cling onto has faded over the years.
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it's super tough reading your story, and i totally get the struggle you faced growing up with all those traumatic experiences. like, it must make finding self-love feel really distant. i mean, the psychological and emotional impact of consistent negative reinforcement damages one's cognitive and emotional development — which totally makes it hard to see any worth in oneself 😞
it's not surprising you feel like lifelong existential desolation. the prolonged exposure to trauma and lack of a nurturing environment can lead to chronic feelings of dissatisfaction and nihilism. mental health professionals often talk about the breakdown of self-perception under persistent stressors. it makes sense you'd feel devoid of purpose or energy.
and even when you're out there seeking connections or relationships, financial instability just adds another layer of complexity to the emotional turmoil — especially when surgery recovery strains resources. so yeah, it's like a perfect storm of factors that depletes that inner light and motivation to continue.
just know you're not alone in feeling this way — there is support out there, even if it's hard to reach for sometimes. it's okay to feel this, and it's okay to ask for help when you're ready 💛
it's a real tough deal you've been through, seriously!!! 😢 going through such rough times ain't fair.... upbringing impacts a lot!!! feeling lost and numb after all of that kinda makes sense.... though life still has chances, it's no wonder you're tired...... but don't ignore any small good things around.... ya never know what could change.... just give it a look, okay? 😊
man, i totally feel ya on this one it's a hard knock life you've been dealt!!! 😟 stuff like that leaves a deep mark; i know cuz i've had a tough time myself who's supposed to deal with all that??? it's like everything's against ya and ya wonder if things'll ever change your struggle's legit and understandable keep hanging in there, though what else can we do, right? life's got so many curveballs and not enough home runs but maybe someday it'll pitch something good your way
i get what you're saying, seriously!!! life's been real harsh on you 😞 your experiences are no joke, and i can't help but agree with how tough it all sounds your story brings up memories of hard times in my own life things felt overwhelming, and it's hard to cope with all that pressure it's like the light at the end of the tunnel is so far away, right??!! but you put it out there and that's something maybe recognizing the struggle is one step forward things can feel pretty grim, and it's tough to see a way out but you're not alone in feeling that way
i gotta say, while your story's intense, i don't entirely buy into the outlook you're presenting!!! it's undeniable that your experiences have been harsh and taxing, but focusing solely on the negative aspects neglects the potential for resilience and recovery; it feels like you're oversimplifying a complex picture with just doom and gloom, and that ain't the whole story, you know? emotional resilience and psychological coping mechanisms are vital to addressing such profound adversity you've gone through a lot, and it's fair to feel overwhelmed, but perhaps consider there might still be avenues for growth or healing amidst all this chaos?!!
Been a minute since I've been on the website
Sorry accidentally sent the message before finishing it. But I do understand that its not all doom and gloomy as the way i represented it in the original post. Basically the original post was more of a emotional vent in sense. While all the traumatic things in my past did occur i am also fully aware that I focus far to much on the things in the past instead of focusing on the present. I was not exaggerating in a sense when I stated that I dont really see the point in going due to the fact most days I have intense negative feedback that cycles through my head but it doesn't help that most of my time off work is isolated in a way. Dont really go out much and due to the negative way I look at things or at life I have a hard time forming new relationships with people. I say all this because I never really took the steps outside of what I could do myself to get professional help all these years. But I have a appointment with a psychiatrist in a week. So ill go get evaluated and go from there. But thank you for your response.
sounds rough, but i'm not fully on board with your view!!! 😅 your experiences, while tough, are not all there is life ain't only about the bad stuff, ya know? sometimes we see things darkly, and it's hard to spot the silver lining maybe it's just my take, but dwelling too much can kinda keep you stuck there's more to come, and who knows, it could get better 😊
Thank you for your response. Sorry for the lateness I havent been on the website in a bit but yes my original post was more of a emotional vent in a sense. While yes the traumatic events that did happen in my past did occur i do tend to focus on the negatives that happened more than any positives. I havent ever took any steps to get help besides what I tried to do on my own ya know like (Korny inspirational YouTube videos lol, self help books, and just exercising ) but im going to my first appointment with a psychiatrist in a week and ill take the appropriate steps from there. Whatever that intels i dont know but it will work out.
glad to read you have a first appointment with a psychiatrist! take care!
totally feel you on this one 😢 your situation sounds really tough, and i'm with you on how you're feeling no one should go through that kind of stuff! "the longest journey begins with a single step," right?? life's been unfair, sure, but maybe there's still hope under all that turmoil whatever you do, hang in there and take each day as it comes we never truly know what tomorrow brings, and that's the silver lining!!! 🌟