Slf harm relapse
The story
I don't know where else to say this. I've been doing really well for the past few years in terms of managing my mental health and avoiding self-harm, something I struggled with intensely during my younger years. However, last week at work, a situation came up that just threw me into a spiral of anxiety and stress. It was like all the progress I'd made vanished. Ironically, I've surrounded myself with incredibly supportive friends who truly care about me, yet in those moments when I'm overwhelmed, it feels like no one can reach me in my isolation.
A project deadline was looming closer and I felt under a tremendous amount of pressure to deliver results that were not only punctual but impeccable. The expectations mounted as my boss consistently emphasized 'quality assurance' and 'streamlined processes' during team meetings; each word seemed to heighten my stress levels exponentially. Despite knowing that perfection is unattainable, I became consumed by the fear of failure and disappointing others.
On one particularly tough night after another long day at work filled with endless revisions, I found myself reaching for old habits as a way of coping. It breaks my heart to admit that I relapsed into self-harm after maintaining such dedicated control over it for years (it’s a pattern I've fought hard against). But here we are; guilt rides heavy on me now because I should have reached out instead of turning inward. There’s an overwhelming sense of shame associated with failing oneself.
The reactions from those around me were mixed: some people were incredibly understanding while others seemed oblivious or unsure how to support someone in this scenario despite their good intentions. To have these feelings return has been distressing enough but feeling far removed from the empathy surrounding me adds another layer altogether; it's isolating in ways hard to articulate even though logically I understand nobody expects perfection from me but myself.
Every day since then has been a little better than the last one thankfully (a minute step forward), although there remains this gnawing voice within persistently reminding me that I've stumbled backwards along a path that's already taken so much strength just to walk down again... A part of recovery involves forgiving oneself too right?
