Renovation Rift: When Generosity Clashes With Control
The story
My father-in-law is undoubtedly generous but also possesses what he jokingly calls "the jerk gene," which means he often disregards others' desires. Ever since my husband, Alex, and I moved in with his brother, my father-in-law made a surprising move. He purchased the house next door, which was on sale for a bargain, intending it for us. After discussing with his financial advisor, it was agreed that the house title would be shared between him and Alex. We would handle all taxes and utilities, and eventually, the property would be Alex’s inheritance.
Here’s where it gets complicated. The house is quite rundown and needs significant renovations. Initially, Alex and I agreed that we would manage the renovations. Having a background in restoring old family homes, I was more equipped in this area than Alex, who isn’t too familiar with home improvements. Despite this, my father-in-law refuses to communicate with me directly about the house renovations. It’s incredibly frustrating as Alex becomes a go-between, passing messages and clarifications back and forth.
The tension escalated today when Alex told me that his father insists on approving any major renovations over $5,000, even though we are financing them. He wants to have a say in everything from the choice of tiles to the light fixtures. Fed up, I sent all my correspondence with our selected contractor (thankfully, no contracts were signed yet) to him, suggesting that if he wants full control, he might as well handle everything. This would mean turning the house into an officially rent-controlled property, adhering to local housing regulations.
Now, he's pretty upset, branding me ungrateful, selfish, and overly controlling. Honestly, I’m at my wits' end and no longer interested in the house. I’m seriously considering grabbing our cat and temporarily moving in with my brother. Of course, I don’t wish to leave Alex, but I'm exhausted from dealing with his father's caprices.
Imagine if this scenario unfolded on a reality show; the dramatic interactions and my eventual bold ultimatum would likely resonate with viewers. It's intriguing to think about how audiences might react to such familial tensions being aired publicly, perhaps rooting for underdogs or critiquing behavior. Reality shows thrive on this kind of intense personal drama, and our situation could easily be a pivotal plot twist!
Would you live in a house your FIL controls?
Would you live in a house your FIL controls?
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Points of view
I totally get where you're coming from. Your FIL’s micromanagement is over-the-top—especially with having to get his approval for everything above $5,000. 😓
As someone who's worked on home renovations, having autonomy is crucial, and what's happening here is just stifling. It's frustrating to deal with someone who disregards your expertise and makes everything a bureaucratic nightmare. Honestly, if I were in your shoes, I'd also consider moving out for a bit. Maybe detachment might bring some perspective or catalyze a change in how your FIL handles things. Staying sane in this chaotic situation is paramount. Good luck!
i don’t really get why you’re so mad??
tbh, your FIL bought you a house and all he wants is to have a say in the big stuff which seems fair to me 🤷♀️
it's not like he’s asking for much... considering he invested a lot into it! my uncle did something similar for my cousin and it worked out fine for them :)
I think you should try to see it from his side: maybe talk it out with Alex more calmly... hope it works out for you
I completely agree with you!
Your FIL seems to be overstepping his boundaries, especially considering you're the ones paying for the renovations; it's frustrating when someone tries to micromanage projects they aren't directly funding.
Having experience in home restorations myself, I know how critical it is to have clear communication and autonomy. Your situation must be incredibly draining 😓. My aunt went through something similar, and it led to constant friction; good luck navigating this tricky dynamic.
I don't understand why people have that kind of behaviour... helping is very nice but not in these conditions...
I completely understand your predicament and can empathize with your frustration.
Your father-in-law's involvement does seem overwhelming, especially given that you and Alex are funding the renovations yourselves. Maintaining effective communication and having some degree of autonomy is crucial in such situations. It's difficult to navigate these dynamics when someone feels the need to micromanage every decision. However, his original intent to purchase the house for you does show a generous spirit 😌.
I've experienced something similar with my own family, and while challenging, open dialogue and setting boundaries helped us reach a compromise. Hoping for a positive resolution for you all.
i kinda see your point but i don’t really agree 🤔 your FIL bought the house so he should have some say it’s his money after all 😅 doesn't seem fair to cut him out especially when the end goal is to have it as an inheritance maybe try a middle ground approach so everyone feels heard communication is key in fixing things good luck though
i understand your frustration with your father-in-law's involvement in the renovations 🙁 it can be challenging when someone feels the need to control every aspect of a project, especially when you are financing it yourselves his generosity is evident in buying the house; however, his micromanagement seems counterproductive. it might be beneficial to establish clear boundaries and ensure everyone's expectations are aligned 🤔 thereby, you can maintain a harmonious relationship while also addressing the necessary renovations. hope things work out for you!