Yeah, uh, shocking thing coming up. Maybe in a few months we may be moving to a different home. We bought some property, we paid off a large amount of debt, and the houses are almost done! We made a good investment, since it's a larger house with I think joint houses, and it's larger than an apartment we live in. I'm also kinda scared, since I'm not in my familiar place anymore, I'm way farther than when we last moved, and what if the kids there think I'm still weird? Plus, next year, my class is getting shuffled, plus new kids are coming, so what if they also find their own groups without me, and even in the new neighborhood I'm alone and left out? If that will happen, then guess what, it's a sign the universe is telling me I'm destined for isolation, because who needs people anyways? I heard hermits can be happy being alone, and plus, I wanted to befriend a new kid in this grade earlier, it never happened, so I give up. At least it's easier than failing over and over again. I'd feel worse because even when we shuffled, I'd have no one miss me at all, or even cross their minds. I won't be missed by anyone from school at all. An incident yesterday, when I was reading a Naruto book, 2 kids were asking each other if they liked anime, both which said no and called it boring. Now, I don't care if you like or hate it, but in that context with me around, I felt bad, like they were talking about me.

I can be tough! I can be hard! Why are you suggesting I show vulnerability, if I can get hurt!? As a child, an adult, in life! Who'd wanna reveal all their weaknesses to a random person who's a friend? Maybe they're hiding their plan to hurt you, to humiliate you, to degrade and make nasty jokes about you online in spaces for months just to remind you you're an idiot, or leave you behind because they think you're a weirdo!? My brother is right, I never had a friend and never will! He's found his species, yet I'm the only one remaining. People hurt each other, and I'm not gonna be caught in their crossfires. I feel like Sid, from Toy Story. Braces, kinda angry, friendless cus they're scary, we both cut up toys and reattach their parts, but mostly, I feel like a dumb nerd. I can know too much of a few subjects, especially science, and my brother really hates the "try-hards", the ones who are quiet and get high marks. He calls them lonely people. Bria my doll feels like a bad kid's art project! God, this version of me is....not at all what my younger self wanted. When I told my mom I knew way more than the class about the uh...puberty chapter that even the teacher acknowledged (I was surprised even the girls didn't know the thing after your period was the ovulation cycle which is when you are able to get pregnant), my mom said I was a nice R&D kid, which I thought she said sarcastically, before mom said it was a real compliment. But yeah, 6 y/o me would've never wanted this as her future. 6 y/o me would've called me now a "friendless nerd" too.

I feel like such a nerd for reading JJBA, like, the show's there for a reason! I already feel like a big nerd. No friends, have a niche interest, I have braces, I'm kinda short at 5'4", not really that pretty, and now I'm reading a manga and not watching the anime because I can't watch Netflix because my dad thinks JoJo is weird (seriously, if I tell him that JoJo has scenes like Giorno caressing Mista or that DIO is bi, he'll say it's a "woke" show, when really Araki did this to be even more bizarre), and I don't even know if JoJo airs where I live on Netflix. I'm a bigger nerd for reading Jojo. You know what's my future? A friendless, short, ugly, nerd, smart-ass, snitch version of me. Yeah, no wonder I don't have friends. And mom's lying when she says I'll meet them as an adult! I won't! They'll only short-term friends and not good ones, like what dad said. In fact, screw even finding love at all, because right now, dad said him and mom are just lucky. Not everyone is lucky. They got lucky and managed somehow for 16 years. Seriously, whenever I hear mom tell me she sometimes hate some aspects about dad (he can get overly angry sometimes), I think they're gonna divorce because it all starts from there, right? Plus, mom is a child of divorce, so maybe the cycle repeats. 5 years down the line (I'm 13), I'll be friendless, and then my hobbies will go away forever because of immense IGCSE homework and whatnot, and bam! Next friendless person in the world's billion populated list of friendless, 25 y/o virgins! Even my classmates all have someone! And because of that, they all act like idiots in school! They all have fun and goof off! And those who score higher are just smarter than me. They're not try-hards, they're not-try-at-all because they're smarter than me. And you know what, I will become a lonely, 25 y/o virgin with no hobbies like every adult on Earth, movies say it and real people say it. Then when I turn 30, I'll become 70kg at 5'4" dwarf heights, I'll still be a virgin and I'll be called old with multiple skin tags and wrinkles. I even feel like a messiah next to my classmates because I predicted my true future! Theirs are different because they have people, I don't. Again, by 30, I'll be fat, still short, still ugly, I'll develop skin tags next and maybe my eczema will worsen, I'll be lonely, and I'll lose every time for any hobby and work away in a 9-9 job. Exactly like Bridget Jones! She's what every woman on social media is at 30! Heck, they make videos fearing when they turn 30! I won't find love by then unless I make myself the brothel-girl, because I've heard that's how you get pimped out by someone. Still, my future is dull. And 70kg at 5'4" is very bad, I'll weigh as much as my 43 y/o dad and he's 5'11"!

Anxiety is good for you. I'm not drained, I don't even know it feels to be drained. Maybe anxiety and this constant worrying is good, you're saying adulthood isn't bad because movies sell that. Adulthood sucks because you work 9-9, you lose hobbies due to exhaustion, and if you're a woman, please! I'll still be short at 5'4", and I won't remain 45kg, I'll become 70kg at 30! That's overweight territory! I won't have friends because office is a jungle of competition, so me worrying and giving up is normal! Dad finds those people at 30 like one of my uncles who lives with his parents because he's in a PhD kinda thing and he's super energetic "weird". I thought he was 20, not 35! So if this were the case, look what happens. Dad thinks they're weird. It's all a movie's lie when they say it'll get better. Dad may work 9-6, but I don't think every adult works for that long. I heard in some countries they slog for 9-9, and slogging is good. At least I'd be occupied by work and not people probably secretly wishing harm to me because I'm competition in the workplace! I ain't listening to mom when they say bonding is seen each other's strengths and as much you're both competition you shouldn't bring each other down. In the office, there's a war. There's a scheme where everyone wants to humiliate or berate you. I'm the only Bucciarati in a space of La Squadra Esecuzioni assassins! I have always had such a critical mind. As much as I hate having it, it's the only thing keeping me alive. It's like having a vegetable, you hate it but you gotta eat it to live.

Stories in the same category