sometimes I sit here, in my favorite spot by the window, trying to figure out why emotions hit so hard. it's like a weight on my chest, yet those expected tears just won't come. outside, it's all alive and moving, while I'm caught up in this silent storm. it gets me thinking about that family event where I had to keep this strong front despite crumbling inside... you know that scene from 'The Great Gatsby', where everyone's partying but he's watching hopelessly? that's me, kinda; something you've seen in movies or read in books but never thought you'd be living through.

it's a bit of a paradox, isn't it? feeling everything at once yet nothing really shows on the outside. sometimes I wonder if it's like second-hand embarrassment just for being human. we're always told to hold them back during life’s pressing moments (tears are distractions), but when release is crucial, they abandon us. creates a dilemma you hadn't anticipated: an emotional bottleneck without any real outlet.

I remember last year when I helped organize the project launch event at work. man, it was intense! everyone relied on quick decisions and there I was maintaining composure; another instance of pretending all's well when internally questioning every choice made. what if these defensive mechanisms (so-called strength) take root deep within? could it mean we're detaching entirely as a coping strategy? sure hope not because all buttons must surely have their limits eventually...

honestly speaking, I've started wondering whether societal norms are tailored more for suppression than expression...doesn't fit our biological wiring though 🤔 but then again society often forgets this emotional misalignment until there's no clear path to offload safely anymore 😔 maybe collective acknowledgment is overdue so after silently battling alone others might extend mutual understanding instead:) till then staying holed up like now seems fitting;

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