i’m not sure if there’s an age limit on here so i’ll just say it from the get go: i’m a freshman in an american high school. that’s significant. i know this might sound childish to you guys.

since the start of middle school, i’ve played in band as a clarinetist. me and my friend who ill call E bonded quickly since i had prior knowledge of the instrument and he learned very quickly. there were 17 clarinetists at first, the. the next year there were 10, then 6, and now just the two of us are left. it doesn’t matter, since we’re in a larger band. there are like 9 clarinetists and we are all good friends.

i’m a gay guy, i figured that out mid seventh grade. i liked this one boy, we’ll call A, throughout 8th. i was low key obsessed. i had started to grow out my hair, and i didn’t put much effort into fashion, so looking back on it, it shouldn’t have been a surprise when i was rejected by A. over the summer and throughout the fall i’ve felt the agony, i mean i’d been rejected before but never so directly. I got a haircut and had a glow up imo after that.

a few months ago i could kind of feel that thing, like a nagging feeling telling me there’s someone i like. i don’t know how to explain it, but it always seems to happen a few months after you’ve started to lose feelings for someone. all of a sudden i feel some attachment and attraction to several people. it always happens, no big deal. eventually my brain latches onto one of them and the others fade. and that’s usually okay.

but this time, i can kind of feel my brain starting to latch onto E. i can’t stop thinking about him. he’s probably my best male friend, and he knows i’m gay, but we don’t talk about it a lot. he’s never outright told me he’s straight but he has told me about his various crushes on girls. he’s never acted on them, but maybe noticing that is part of my brain hoping for the best. the other clarinetists and us are a very tight knit group, and we talk and laugh a lot during class. i think one of them, a sophomore girl ill call C, has noticed something. E used to always wear his hoodie with the hood on. slowly, he started pulling the hood down. now he comes in with a puffer jacket (we’re in the pnw) and says “i only wear it so i can take it off.”

i’ll be honest. E is a much better clarinet player than me, and so is C. but E doubles on trumpet. he’s just so good. i’m sort of jealous. also he’s skinny, (i’ve imagined him before), and has recently had a glow-up. i’m just scared he’ll start getting an influx of girls and i’ll be left alone. C almost definitely notices my prolonged stares, like randomly during class i’ll just find myself looking at E, and maybe even making eye contact.

OKAY so here’s the point. i don’t want to tell anyone for these reasons:

-he’s straight(?)

-if i did it would make my feelings real

-were freshman, we’ll have to be awkward for the rest of high school. i adore our easy conversations

-i’m afraid he’ll think i’m weird

-not to mention i don’t even fully know if i like him, there are several other candidates

i’m on here so i can get this out with anonymity.

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