Internal suffering

I hate myself so fucking much. And no I'm not just saying this bullshit to be emo I'm saying it in a way where everytime I look in the mirror I'm genuinley disgusted at what I see.

I hate my body, the way I've got a rectangle body shape. I know it's not a desired one and many people want a girl with a waist. I hate the way my chest looks ugly and small, I hate the way my shoulders are wide, I hate my hip dips and my lack of ass. I hate the way I look without makeup. I hate the way I talk, I hate the way I smile. I hate the way my teeth are crooked and one of them had a gap in it. I hate that I'm scared of intimacy because I'm scared if my partner ever sees my body that they'll be as disgusted as I am when I see myself in the mirror. I draw a blade across my skin with every thought of disgust I get. I hate the way I'm scared of somebody ever seeing me naked. So much that it keeps me up at night. I stare at other girls bodies and silently curse myself because why couldn't I be like them? Why couldn't I be pretty, why couldn't I be curvy. Why couldn't I be happy with who I am and what I look like. I know why, I know it's because I'm insecure and scared. Sometimes I think to myself that I would be better if I was a man, maybe then my features would fit my gender. Nobody wants to date a feminine girl that doesn't have the figure to be feminine. I hate that I can't cry so instead I resort to addictions. Alcohol abuse, vaping, self harm. Suicide attempts. No matter what I do I still can't be pretty. I try so fucking hard, to be pretty, I wear makeup, I suck in my stomach, I press in my ribs hoping they'll break so I can get a better figure because nobody desires mine. They see my face and make up stories in their mind of a petit, small waisted, curvy girl. But no. I'm not. And for that reason I hate myself.

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