before i start, i know im naive and stupid and unknowing when it comes to love, as i’m an incoming junior in high school and i’ve never even held hands with anyone. i’m just conflicted and a bit annoyed with myself and have no where else to really say this without annoying my one friend who knows about this. it doesn’t help either that im a lesbian in a relatively conservative small town so i know my chances were slim to begin with.

anyways, this passing summer marks around one year of me liking the same girl. we have been already good friends for a while. i’ve kept it a secret from her to keep our friendship strong. i’d rather have her not know and stay friends than her know and us not be too close. i know she’s not homophobic, but up until recently i didn’t know she’s was straight. well, i knew, i just didn’t wanna believe it because i get caught in my own head. there were signs, like the tik toks she reposted about a future husband, or the videos of fictional men she would show me, but then there’s also the fact she’s never been in a relationship. we’re close enough to talk about that stuff without it being awkward. and then i also caught her checking out my schools lgbtq+ poster for a new club, which i don’t know how it got passed our school board but whatever.

so i held hope that maybe she was bi or something. because i just didn’t wanna accept that i never had a chance. i still don’t really wanna. but, i had a good friend of mine text her sister and basically confirm she’s straight. i know there’s nothing i can do, ive heard the “you deserve someone who can actually reciprocate” more than enough times, but im stupid and don’t wanna accept that. she’s a great person, and now i kinda feel like a creep for feeling like this and she doesn’t even know. but i can’t tell her, this would ruin her, i have no clue how she would even react. it’s all me, and i kinda want this crush to go away so i can be normal with her. but i also don’t want it to go away. it’s fun to imagine if i didn’t know her orientation, even if it kinda hurts me when i remember.

the part of me that wants to hold on, i wanna say it also stems from the fact that ive never been in a relationship. i wanna know what its like. i see all my friends get cute hoco proposals or fun dates with each other, and im just here. i take care of myself, try to be kind, i get good grades and help a lot, but ive worked on myself enough. i think im ranked 9 out of like almost 400 students in my class in terms of gpa. i just wanna know what it’s like for someone to like you back. i know im also young and 16 isn’t the end of the world to never have dated, but i can still wish, can’t i? and i guess my wish with a straight girl is a little unrealistic too. i want to be loved, i really do. i don’t wanna wait, i feel so behind my peers when it comes to love. im not really too sure what to do with myself now.

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