So me and my boyfriend just hit 1 year together, and I’ve been really wanting more intimacy. He has some medical issues that he’s insecure about and prevent him from directly engaging like that, but we’re long distance so the latter isn’t a problem.

But it’s still hard. I tried to initiate before and it was so close but he mentioned that he wanted to practice not masturbating because of his past porn addiction before we got together, and he wanted to do better for me. I respected that heavily, because that was a problem in my last relationship.

I love how we connect emotionally and intellectually, and those two things make me fall harder for him every day. But I also find him so attractive, even if he doesn’t see it. When he shaves, he looks like those South American hunks that they always joke about in movies. But he doesn’t see that. And I think it’s also why he doesn’t engage with me physically. I just got off the phone with him, because he didn’t want me to see his chest. I was a little sad thats the reason. But I’ve had my own experiences with SA, so I would never force him to show or do anything he’s uncomfortable with.

That being said, I desire him so much. He’s more than his body, but I also believe sex is more than just pleasure. Being vulnerable with him is so natural and he makes me feel so safe. Of course I also want to make his eyes pop out of his head but I also find that authenticity comes out during sex. Fantasies, kinks, fetishes, parts of us that (most of us) are kept away. I want to share that world with him.

And to no disrespect to those in open relationships and ENM, but that’s not for me. I enjoy having an emotional connection to someone, and only then will I be attracted to them, and I only have that capacity for one person. So getting it elsewhere is absolutely off the table, and I would rather die than cheat on my boyfriend. I just have no idea what I would do. I want to respect him and give him the time and space to come to me when he’s ready, but I also feel my heart ache and yearn to simulate being closer than we’ve ever been. And I refuse to break up over a reason like this one.

Any advice?

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